Random Conversations
by Lizzy Lovegood
Summary: Do you like Harry Potter? Do you like randomness? Do you like conversations? If you have answered yes then you are welcome to delve into my mind and... Sirius, what are you doing? I'm trying to write a summary here. And Ron, pull your pants back up!
1. Narrative Hooks Galore

**Disclaimer: **Never have. Never will. Own Harry Potter that is. (This will stand for the entire story, mostly because I can't think of anymore creative disclaimers.)

Also, Remus. Why? Because he's awesome!

**Important Note (PLEASE READ): **Hello, readers! I know I haven't written anything in a while (I am working on _Distorted Reflections_, don't worry), so I gave you this. . . . But, _but_, this is the important part! I did not recently write this. In fact, there are several important things you should know about this fic.

**1.) **This was written BEFORE DH. That means that there is no Epilogue, no DH spoilers, none of Lucius's peacocks, _nothing _about DH. So I do _not _want to hear about how this doesn't follow the book (even if the conversations _are _random).

**2.) **Just as this fic was written before DH, it was also written in my junior year of high school, when I was sixteen years old. I was younger and therefore my writing style has not matured to what it is today. Most of this entire fic is just cheap laughs, anyway. Ah, well. . . .

**3.) **Also, at this age, I was still a little, innocent girl who was only interested in Harry Potter, just because he was the heroic Harry Potter. My obsession with Remus began soon after this fic was completed. If you squint, you can even see some in the last chapter of this fic. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.

_Bon Appetit!_

**Chapter 1: Narrative Hooks Galore!**

Hello and welcome to the reader of this. As you have undoubtedly read by the title this is a humorous Harry Potter fanfiction with _really _random conversations. However, before I get into that, I just want to do a brief summary of myself (and I will try my best not to be random!). I haven't written that much humor before, so just bear with me. . . .

Anyway, I am obsessed with Harry Potter as you have most likely figured out already - you know, posting on this site might have clued you in - although I will not be so arrogant as to claim responsibility for the whole (yet another one of my obsessions, I quote random characters at times - _Order of the Phoenix, The Lost Prophecy_, Albus Dumbledore). Yeah . . . anyway, I am sixteen years old and my life was changed by young Harry James Potter when I was a "deprived" ten-year-old and found _Sorcerer's Stone _at the book fair at my elementary school. I immediately fell in love with Harry, Ron, Hermione, and all the others.

However, at the risk of sounding mushy and making this into a romanticized fic about how I fell in love with Harry Potter, I will stop talking about that right _now_. But alas! Whoa, that sounded Shakespearean. . . . In my eagerness to tell the reader about my obsession, I have forgotten to mention my name, how foolish of me (once again my obsession of sounding like Dumbledore and other characters)! But too bad, I'm not going to tell you. I will only tell you my nickname, Liz, because suppose the reader is a serial killer who -shudder- hates Harry Potter and is looking for people who like Harry Potter to kill? CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!! I _have _to stop this, _that's _Mad-Eye Moody (_Goblet of Fire, The Unforgivable Curses_)!

Okay, now I've wasted about . . . wait a sec . . . I'm using Word Count (I _love _Microsoft!) 342 words talking about myself and I'm guessing most fan fic sites will want more words than that for one chapter so I'll have to waste some more words talking about what this fan fic is going to be about and giving you a prelude so that you'll go to the next chapter. I think it's called a narrative hook on the plotline of a short story (I give my English teacher all the credit for teaching me this), except this isn't really a short story. Like I said before, these are random conversations with myself and other Harry Potter characters. Well, no, I didn't really tell you that, so I'll tell you now. The following are conversations that I have thought of and sometimes just pop into my head while typing this with Harry Potter characters.

Sometimes these conversations come at very weird times too. For example, when I'm sitting in a class and I'm bored (I'm sorry, hard-working teachers out there but some teachers are _so _boring!). Anyway, I'm bored and my mind just wanders to . . . Harry Potter, obviously. Sometimes I think of fanfics I've read and look forward to finishing them or reading others but sometimes (I hate using this word so often, but I can't think of any others!), my mind wanders and I think of having a conversation with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall, or any other character in the novels and I begin to talk to them in my mind. If anyone here thinks I'm crazy, then stop reading _right now _because it's about to get crazier. I have _really _weird conversations sometimes too, like about these things, like whether Harry Potter is _really evil_, which it is _not_ (by the way, that's what the next chapter's about - narrative hook, yay!).

These conversations also occur at other weird times, like while I'm in the shower, at the dinner table, or in bed (which makes it hard to get to sleep) and I actually do sleep talk when I have dreams about it, or so my brother informs me. That's mostly Sirius interrupting my thoughts though, the others have the manners to stay away when I'm trying to sleep and they know they can bother me again once I'm asleep in my dreams where I can see them as well as hear them. Sometimes they get pretty annoying.

Sirius: "You mean you can't see us at the moment? I am appalled!"

Me: "Shut up, Sirius." _See what I mean?_

Sirius: "Ha, ha, I can hear what you're thinking too, and I am _not _annoying!"

Me: "Are too."

Sirius: "Are not."

Me: "Are too."

Sirius: "Are not."

Lupin: "Honestly Sirius, can't you give her a second's peace? Come on, leave her alone and let her finish this chapter. _Then _we can bother her."

Me: "Thank you, Moony."

Sirius: "Oh, _come on_, Moony."

Lupin: "But, Sirius, I think I know a hot girl who might be interested in you. She's already rented a room in Hogsmeade but if you'd rather stay with Liz. . . ."

Sirius: "No, no, I want to come! I'll bug Liz later. Coming, Moony."

See what I mean, the man's completely uncontrollable and annoying, especially if he keeps barging into your head all day! Anyway, when it happens at the dinner table and sometimes in classes (to my embarrassment), a manic grin sometimes spreads over my face and my family stares at me in a weird way (when it's at the table, obviously) but my classmates don't seem to notice, either that or they've gotten used to it and have realized that I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. And, seeing as I have never told any of them, I am not sure how this is possible. Maybe they are all highly skilled Legilimens. _That's _it!

Dumbledore: "Actually, Miss Grass, only very skilled witches or wizards can perform Legilimency and I doubt any of your professors or peers are."

Me: "Honestly, I should set up an away message for you guys - at the moment I'm writing a fan fic so please refrain from coming into my mind! And what have I told all of you about revealing my last name? It's Liz!"

Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Me: "Thank you, Moody."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, what's an away message? Is it on a pomcuter?"

Me: "Honestly, I try and have a conversation with one of you and. . . . In fact, I'm not trying to have a conversation with _any _of you. I'm _trying _to write a fan fic and you guys can talk in the next chapter!"

Mr. Weasley: "Aw, can't you just explain the pomcuter?"

Me: "NO!"

Mr. Weasley: -sigh-

Sirius: "Thanks a lot, Liz. You make me leave with Moony and you talk to all these guys!"

Me: "I didn't _invite _any of these people, just like I didn't invite_you_,Sirius! You guys just barge into my head while I'm _trying _to write a fanfic!"

Sirius: "But you _are _writing it. You're typing all this stuff down on Microsoft Word, or whatever that thing is that you love so much."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, is that on the pomcuter too?"

Me: -sigh- "Yes, but I don't have time to explain right now. I'll explain in another chapter."

Mr. Weasley: "Why not right now?"

Me: "Because I'm past 1000 words which I think the sites will be happy with." I love Word Count!

Mr. Weasley: -pouts- "Will you explain it in the next chapter?"

Me: "No, but in Chapter 3, I promise."

Mr. Weasley: -pouts again- "Why not the next one?"

Me: "Because next chapter is going to be devoted to how Harry Potter is good for Christians and how it's an allegory and not evil. Dumbledore, I'm going to need your help with that."

Dumbledore: "I will give you a half hour of my time, Miss Grass."

Me: "Hey, I'm not Fudge! If I need you for this fanfiction you'd better cooperate and use as much time as is needed for me to explain properly!" _Actually, I probably won't explain anything but will go off on a tangent as is my wont and as is the title of this fic._

Sirius: "What's an allegory?"

Dumbledore: "A story that has two levels of meaning, a concrete, literal level and an abstract, symbolic level."

Me: "How'd you know that?" _Wow, this fic is educational too!_

Dumbledore: "Miss Grass, I used to teach a Muggle high-school English class during my many years."

Me: "Jo never mentioned _that _in the books."

Dumbledore: "No, she did not. She found it better to focus on Harry."

Me: "Hey, you call _him _by his first name! Why not me? I'm the writer of this fanfic, I'm allowing you room in my head _and _I'm writing all this down!"

Dumbledore: "Because Harry is the main character in the Harry Potter novels and he is the Boy-Who-Lived so I have always favored him above all other students."

Me: Yeah, there's a topic for another chapter, Dumbledore's love for Harry.

Mr. Weasley: "I thought you said you were dealing with the pomcuters in Chapter 3!"

Me: -sigh- "Don't worry, Arthur. I'll put the _computers _in Chapter 3, but this will be in Chapter 4." Damn, I hate it when they can hear my thoughts.

Ron: "Hey, what's going on?"

Hermione: "Ron, are you in Liz's head again?"

Ron: "Yeah, it's great. What's happening, Sirius?"

Sirius: "Well. . . ."

Me: "OUT! All of you, _out_! Let me finish this chapter in peace and you can talk again in the next chapter." _Honestly, sometimes I think these people are hearing impaired._

Ron: "Aw, but Hermione and I hardly had any time to talk."

Me: "You can have some in the next chapter, okay? Now, just leave my head for now and let me finish this chapter, I'm at 1600 words now!"

Hermione: "Actually, you're at 1644 words."

Me: "I'm estimating, Hermione."

Hermione: "Oh, alright then. Can you and I have a chat about material only for intelligent people and shun everyone who hasn't read _Hogwarts, A History_?"

Me: "Fine, that'll be Chapter 5."

Mr. Weasley: "And pomcuters?"

Me: "_Yes_, Arthur, and computers. Now, will all of you_please _leave?"

Sirius: "_Fine. _Come on, everyone."

Ron: "But. . . ."

Mrs. Weasley: "Ronald Weasley, you leave that girl's head right now and give her some room to think! And you too, Arthur, I'm surprised at you!"

Mr. Weasley and Ron: -sigh-

Dumbledore: "Goodbye, Miss Grass. Miss Granger, come along."

Me: Alone at last.

Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Me: -sigh- "I knew I forgot _someone_. Moody, leave!"

Moody: -mumble- "Constant vigilance."

So, how many words is that? Wait a sec, I'm using Word Count . . . 1787, to be exact. Wow, so to the reader of this, if you read this and consider this a waste of your time then you do not have to continue and you may leave a nasty review about how crazy I am on the way out. However, if by some chance, some faint ray of hope, you _do _like this fic, then please continue reading and I hope that the characters become more intellectual than they were especially since I'm talking to Dumbledore next chapter, but then again, who knows who will interrupt and make it a totally random discussion?

**Note: **So, did you like it? Didja, didja?

There are twelve chapters in all and I will post one every few days to give you guys chances to review. A sequel may be plausible, but it will be far, far in the future. I have far too many plot bunnies hopping around in my head right now. Plus, I'm still working on _Distorted Reflections_ (which I hope to post within a few days of the next _Random _chapter).

~Lizzy Lovegood


	2. Alligators?

**Note: **Hi to anyone out there who is reading this! I am a bit surprised that the first chapter only got one review, especially when it was favorited/put on an alert list by two people.

What's more, that review was from my boyfriend who I begged to do it since no one else would. :(

Please review!

**Chapter 2: Alligators?**

Hello again to the reader of this if you have been brave (or foolish, depending on how you want to look at it) enough to come back and read the second chapter of this very random fic. I am very sorry that I am starting this chapter with "hello" the same as I did for the last one, but I'm not that good with intro's so make do with this and we'll get to the randomness soon (is randomness a word? It isn't underlined in red, so it's a word, yay!). Then again, I've made all the words in Harry Potter that were underlined in red, words in the computer's dictionary so does that really count for much. . . ? Yes, it does!

Okay, I think I'll vouch for my rights on whether randomness is a word another time and focus on the task at hand (if you can call being random a task). Anyway, if you remember correctly I was talking to Dumbledore in the first chapter and I said I'd talk to him about Christianity and Harry Potter, which will make it a highly philosophical discussion. If you do not remember this or if you decided to skip to Chapter 2 to see what this strange title was all about then you might want to read Chapter 1, although I cannot guarantee that you won't lose a few IQ points by doing so. I am serious.

Sirius: "Did someone just say my name?"

Me: "Sirius, that pun with your name is getting _really _old, so shut up about it."

Sirius: "_You _don't think it's getting old. It's in that You Know You're Obsessed With Harry Potter When. . . . list."

Me: "What? How'd you know that?"

Sirius: "Magic."

Me: "I want a real explanation, Padfoot."

Sirius: "Hey, you can't call me Padfoot. Only Marauders can call me that."

Me: "Well, _I'm _the one writing this totally worthless conversation down, so I can call you whatever I want, ha!"

Sirius: "Can't."

Me: "Can."

Sirius: "Can't."

Me: "Can."

Snape: "Is there _another _fight going on between you two?"

Me: "Yes, Snape. . . ."

Snape: "_Professor _Snape."

Me: Not _another _name problem. "Fine, _Professor _Snape, can you just get him out of here? I want to have a highly philosophical yet random conversation with Dumbledore."

Snape: "The headmaster is busy at the moment."

Me: "How do _you _know?"

Snape: "Because I saw him going off to an important . . . er . . . meeting with Professor McGonagall for all the members of staff."

Me: -laugh- "If it's for all the staff members, why aren't you there?"

Sirius: "She has a point, Snivellus."

Snape: "_Don't _call me that, Black."

Sirius: -barks-

Me: "Don't tell me he switched into his dog form."

Lupin: "He did."

Me: "This should be enjoyable."

Lupin: "Indeed."

There are sounds of smacking and cries.

Snape: -runs away wailing- "I want my mummy!"

Me: "Er . . . did Snape just say he wants his mummy?"

Sirius: "Yup, I sure taught him a lesson. He probably went off to play with his chemistry set!"

Lupin: "You didn't need to do that, Pads and that joke from the movie is _really_ bad."

Sirius: "It was fun and that line is one of my best lines in there. Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Lupin: -rolls eyes-

Sirius: "Hey, how'd you know if Lupin rolled his eyes if you can only hear us?"

Me: "Because I heard him sigh and that most likely means he rolled his eyes."

Sirius: "How'd you know that Moony didn't just sigh, hmm. . . .?"

Me: "Fine. Lupin, did you just roll your eyes?"

Lupin: "Yes."

Me: "_See?_"

Sirius: "Then why didn't you put '-sigh-' instead of '-rolls eyes-' for Lupin?"

Me: "Because it gets boring using the same words over and over. Ask the readers."

Sirius: "Fine, I'll e-mail them once I learn how to work that thingy on a computer."

Me: "You mean, the Internet?"

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, pomcuters? Is it Chapter 3 already?"

Me: "No, it's still Chapter 2, because you guys keep interrupting me and we are having thoroughly pointless conversations!"

Lupin: "Sorry about that, I think Dumbledore's back now."

Me: "You mean he actually _had _a staff meeting?"

Lupin: "I think so."

Me: "Then why wasn't Snape there?" _Ooh, there's a foreshadowing technique._ _ Could Snape be a Death Eater and he was on a mission for Voldemort which was why he missed the meeting?_

Lupin: "Sorry to crash your hopes and dreams on actually having a plot point, Liz, but I think he was fired."

Me: "Snape was fired?"

Harry: "Snape was fired? Yes! Ron, Hermione, Snape was fired!"

Ron: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Hermione: "Then _who _is going to teach Potions? What about my N.E.W.T.'s? I'll fail everything!"

Dumbledore: "What's going on here?"

Trio and Sirius: "Snape was fired!"

Dumbledore: "No, he wasn't. He just forgot to go to the staff meeting."

Trio: "WHAT?"

Me: "_Lupin!_"

Lupin: -shrug- "Sorry, I thought he was."

Sirius: "Stop assuming, Moony, now I'm depressed. I'm leaving."

Me: _Finally, thank God._

Lupin: "No, this isn't good. What if Sirius becomes suicidal in his depression about Snape not getting fired?"

Me: Ooh, a plot point!

Sirius: "Moony, you idiot, I'm not suicidal. Come on, let's go back to Grimmauld Place."

Lupin: "You read my mind."

Me: *sigh* "There go more hopes and dreams about having something interesting in this."

Dumbledore: "So, you wanted to talk to me, Miss Grass?"

Me: "Yes, thank you for coming so promptly." _Note: This is _sarcasm_, so I'm not being sirius er . . . serious._

Dumbledore: "I am sorry I was late. There were some matters that needed attending to."

Me: "Like what?"

Dumbledore: "Like the staff appointment for next year's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."

Harry and Me: "Who's it going to be?"

Dumbledore: "I am pleased to announce that the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be . . . -drum roll- Snape!"

Trio: "NO!"

Snape: "Yes! Mwahaha, now I can take over Hogwarts!"

Harry: "How can you take over Hogwarts just by having the Defense Against the Dark Arts position?"

Snape: "I don't know, Potter, but I'll think of something. Oops, was that out loud?"

Dumbledore: "Wait, did you just say you were going to take over Hogwarts?"

Snape: "Er . . . no."

Dumbledore: "Good."

Me: -face-palm- _But wait, here's a plot point! There is hope yet!_

Harry: "Yes he did, Professor!"

Snape: "_Potter!_"

Dumbledore: "Fudge, take him away!"

Me: "Where'd Fudge come from?"

Ron: "From batter, get it? Ha, ha, ha. . . . Hey, why isn't anybody laughing?"

Hermione: -sigh-

Fudge and Dawlish take Snape away.

Snape: "I'll be back!"

Me: There is hope yet for a plot point!

Hermione: "Er . . . Liz, didn't you write this chapter to talk to Dumbledore about Christianity in Harry Potter?"

Me: "Yes, but can you get out, this isn't _your _conversation."

Hermione: "I've never been more insulted in my life!" -wails-

Harry: "How dare you insult Hermione? 'Mione, wait!" -runs out-

Dumbledore: "There goes the hopes for a Ron-Hermione romance."

Ron: "Romance? Eww . . . girls are _gross_."

Me: "Professor?"

Dumbledore: "Yes, Miss Grass?"

Me: "Why is Ron such an adolescent idiot even though he's seventeen?"

Dumbledore: "Because Jo created him like that and we do not insult the creator."

Me: Okay, that's a bit strange. "Alright, whatever. Anyway, to the point." _If this _has _a point._ "So there _are _Christian concepts in Harry Potter, correct?"

Dumbledore: "Yes, it is an allegory."

Ron: "Alligators? Ha, ha, I have a funny story about alligators. Once Fred and George put me in the river and said if I waited there I would get three wishes from a genie but an alligator came and I thought it would give me three wishes so I asked it and uh. . . ." -drools-

Me: "Okay, he's a bit weird."

Dumbledore: "A bit?"

Me: "So. . . ."

Ron: "Oh yeah, now I remember, it bit me and I had to get stitches, it hurt . . . ha, ha, ha!"

Me: "Anyway . . . what are one of the Christian concepts in it?"

Dumbledore: "Well. . . ."

Ron: "So, I had to go to the hospital and it hurt a lot . . . and now it still hurts when I sit down because I got bit on the butt. It hurt a lot so that when I sit down I have to put my owl under my butt so it will take out the poison with its feathers. But it still hurts a lot, want to see?"

Me: "NO! Okay, I think this is the end of the chapter, we never even got to discuss Christianity in Harry Potter!" -wails- "You guys ruin everything!"

Harry: "It's okay, Liz. Don't worry. Hey, I know. Will you marry me?"

Me: "NO! Oh, no, what did I do! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Harry: "I've never been more insulted in my life! This is the end of our relationship! Hermione, want to marry me?"

Hermione: "Sure!" -passionate kiss-

Me: "NO!!!"

Sirius: "Is Chapter 2 _finally _over?"

Mr. Weasley: "Pomcuters!"

Me: "Why me, why, why, why?"

Ron: "Are you _sure_ you don't want to see it?"


	3. Illiteracy

**Note: **Thank you for the reviews **ObsessiveConcierge**, **MrsRadcliffe77**, and **QueenFreekiGeeki**! They are much appreciated!

Dedicated to my junior year Media Studies teacher who truly informed me about the illiteracy of the United States.

_Enjoy!_

**Chapter 3: Illiteracy**

This is it, the moment every reader of this totally pointless fic has been waiting for. It is the moment that I promised Mr. Weasley I would explain to him about computers. -applause- Hopefully, I will be able to do so without too many accidents with plugs.

Mr. Weasley: "I collect plugs. And batteries."

Me: -sigh- Yes, Arthur I know you do. You told the Dursleys in _Goblet of Fire_.

Mr. Weasley: "How do _you _know that? Have you been spying on me?"

Me: "It's from the books that 'your creator' wrote."

Mr. Weasley: "Ahhhhh! You're spying on me from the creator's books!"

Me: "I am _not _spying on you!" _Wait a sec, intelligent thought!_ "Mr. Weasley, if you feel really uncomfortable about this, then you can leave my mind and let me write this chapter in peace about something else."

Mr. Weasley: "_No!_ You promised you'd explain pomcuters!"

Me: _Ah, well, it was worth a try._ "Fine, but first Arthur, you need to understand something fundamental, the word is computers _not _pomcuters!"

Mr. Weasley: "So it's _com_puters?"

Me: "Yes! You've got it!"

Mr. Weasley: "Okay, so now can you explain the pomcuters?"

Me: -face-palm- _Why do I even bother?_  
Sirius: "Because without us, there wouldn't be any story."

Me: *sigh* "Hello, Sirius."

Sirius: "Hey, in the past two chapters, you've told me to shut up and leave. Now, you're greeting me! Hmm . . . you must be succumbing to my sexiness after all."

Me: "No, I'm just resigning myself to my fate."

Trelawney: "My dear, it is written in the stars that you shall die on January 1, 2005. That, my dear, is your fate. If only you were so lucky to be bothered by Mr. Black."

Me: "Er . . . sorry to disappoint you Professor, but it's 2006 now."

Trelawney: "Then, my dear, you should have died already."

Sirius: "Perhaps you are the imprint of a departed soul."

Snape: "That's _my _line, Black."

Me: "Hey, how'd you get away from Fudge and Dawlish?"

Snape: "I _told you_, I'd be back and now I am. Now I am going to take over Hogwarts! Mwahaha!"

Me: "How can you take over Hogwarts?"

Snape: "I don't know but I'll think of something."

Fudge: "Wait, did you just say you were going to take over Hogwarts?"

Me: Why is it that this reminds me of a conversation in Chapter 2?

Harry: "Yes he did, Minister!"

Snape: "_Potter!_"

Fudge: "We need to bring you back to Azkaban."

Snape: "_Stupefy!_ Mwahaha, I will be back!" -vanishes with a poof-

Fudge: "Well, I guess I'll just go and do nothing now."

Me: "Why is it that every time I try and have a conversation, I'm interrupted by these thoroughly pointless events?"

Trelawney: "It is your fate, my dear, aside from dying on January 1, 2005 that is. It is your fate to be interrupted by thoroughly pointless conversations and to write this fic, _Random Conversations_.

Me: _You know, that doesn't sound as far-fetched as usual._ "What about the rest of my life?"

Trelawney: "Well, aside from dying on January 1, 2005, you will marry Sirius Black at twenty years of age."

Me: "NO!"

Sirius: "NO!"

Both: "NO, WE CAN'T!"

Trelawney: "Will too."

Both: "Will not."

Trelawney: "Will too."

Both: "Will not."

Lupin: "What's going on here?"

Sirius: "Moony, mate, you have to help us! Me and Liz. . . ."

Dumbledore: "Liz and _I_, Sirius."

Sirius: "I'm not in the mood for grammar lessons, right now, Dumbledore! This is a Class-A Crisis!"

Lupin: "Oh, what has happened in the so dramatic life of Sirius Black _this _time?"

Sirius: "Ooh, Moony's in a bad mood. Near the full moon?"

Lupin: "NO! I'm in a humongous bad mood because you woke me up!"

Me: "How can we wake you up if you choose to come into my mind?"

Lupin: "I don't know but I'll think of something! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Dumbledore: "A bit?"

Ron: "Want to hear another story about alligators?"

Me: "Sure."

Ron: "Really?"

Me: "NO!"

Dumbledore: "So, what's the bad news?"

Me: "Sirius and I are going to have to get married!"

Lupin: "What the hell! Who told you that?"

Me: "Trelawney."

Trelawney: "I'll, er . . . just be going now, my dears."

Sirius: "Wait a sec, what about the rest of our future? Will we have kids, and will they be as hot as me?"

Trelawney: "No, my dear, I am sorry. You will get divorced the day after you get married."

Me: "YES!"

Sirius: "NO! My only chances for hot kids! My only chance!" *wails and runs out*

Me: _At least that got him out of the way._

Mr. Weasley: "_Now _will you explain pomcuters?"

Me: "Yes, Arthur, do you have a computer with you?"

Mr. Weasley: "_Accio Computer!_"

Me: "Oh, no! What about the Wizarding Statute of Secrecy?"

Mr. Weasley: "Yay, the computer's here!"

Muggle Voice: "What the hell's going on?"

Mrs. Weasley: "Arthur, what did you do?"

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . nothing, Molly, dear."

Mrs. Weasley: -growls and turns into a tiger-

Me: "Um . . . how can Mrs. Weasley turn into a tiger?"

Dumbledore: "It's another one of the things Jo forgot to mention."

Fudge: "Wow, I can actually _do _something now! Let's . . . er, take the tiger to Azkaban to act like we're doing something!"

Harry: "Yeah, just like you arrested Stan Shunpike."

Fudge: "Dumbledore's man through and through, I see."

Scrimgeour: "That's _my _line, Fudge."

Fudge: "So, can't I actually act important in a fic instead of being booted out of office at the end of _Order of the Phoenix_ and then doing nothing all year except talking to that idiot Muggle Prime Minister?"

Muggle Prime Minister: "I am _not _an idiot!"

All three Ministers start quarreling and having a cat fight.

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . Liz?"

Me: "_Yes_, Arthur, I will explain computers now."

Mrs. Weasley: "Arthur, why do you insist on dabbling in Muggle machinery like this?"

Mr. Weasley: "It's fun. Hey, want to see my collection of batteries? I have Triple As and Quadruple As, too."

Me: "Er . . . there are no such things as Quadruple As."

Mr. Weasley: "Yes, there are. Look."

I see a battery in my mind's eye.

Me: "Er . . . Mr. Weasley, you just drew 4 As on there using a marker."

Mr. Weasley: "I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Mrs. Weasley: -murmurs- "Please wail and run out, please wail and run out."

Mr. Weasley: "I will not do any such thing, Molly. I want to learn about pomcuters if it's the last thing I do."

Mrs. Weasley: "It probably will be if you don't stop with your backtalk."

Fred: "It's so nice to hear Mum yell at someone else now and then."

George: "Yeah, it makes such a nice change."

Mrs. Weasley: "Shut your mouths you two!" -chases the twins out-

Me: "Now, Mr. Weasley, do you see the mouse next to the computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "The mouse? What do you mean? We only had Scabbers but he turned out to be Peter Pettigrew. Then again, he was actually a rat."

Me: "Wait, how do you know about Peter being Scabbers? Did Ron tell you?"

Dumbledore: "It's. . . ."

Me: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention?"

Dumbledore: "Yes."

Me: "Wow, you guys should sue her. She's leaving out a bunch of important parts of the books."

Sirius: "It's important that Dumbledore was a Muggle high-school English teacher?"

Me: "Well, no, but. . . ."

Sirius: "Well then, Jo isn't really leaving out important parts, is she?"

Me: "Yeah, but what about Mrs. Weasley being a tiger Animagus? That could be a major plot point!"

Mrs. Weasley: "You mean I might be important in the novels? How?"

Me: _Hmm. . . ._

Sirius: "You won't, Mrs. W. Sorry to disappoint you and all."

Mrs. Weasley: "I've never been more insulted in my life! I should kill you, Sirius!" -growls and chases Sirius out of scene-

Me: "Actually, that's Bellatrix Lestrange's job."

Harry: "Thanks for ruining the book for me, Liz. I haven't finished yet."

Me: "What do you mean you haven't finished yet? It's your life and it's already past that part. This doesn't make sense!"

Dumbledore: "Who said this fic made sense?"

Me: "True."

Mr. Weasley: "Oh, is the mouse this little thingy attached by a wire to the pomcuter screen?"

Me: "Yes, Arthur, that's a mouse."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh!"

Hermione: "No, Crookshanks, no!"

Crookshanks leaps on top of the mouse and pulls the wire out. The computer shuts off.

Mr. Weasley: "NO! You killed the mouse! First, that ferocious cat kills Scabbers and now my mouse!"

Hermione: "Don't start _that _again! Crookshanks never killed Scabbers, remember? Haven't you ever read _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_?"

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . no."

Sirius: "_I've _read that one! I'm the main character in it!"

Harry: "_I _haven't! Don't ruin it for me!"

Me: "How many Harry Potter books _have _you read, Harry?"

Harry: "Um . . . I've read a few pages of the first one."

Hermione: "You guys are _so _illiterate! You're dumbing down the UK! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Me: "Hermione's right, Harry. Learn to read! Anyway, you're _one _of the main characters in it, Sirius. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are the main ones. Plus, for most of the time in that book you are a supposed murderer who's escaped from Azkaban."

Sirius: "Yeah, but. . . ."

Mrs. Weasley: "Come back here, you!"

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

Me: "Now?"

Sirius: "Yes, now!" -runs out of scene closely followed by Mrs. Weasley-

Mr. Weasley: "No, the pomcuter is ruined! It's ruined, ruined, I tell you, _ruined_!"

Me: _At least this didn't go as bad as the last chapter._

Mrs. Weasley: "Help, somebody help me!"

Me: "What did you do, Sirius?"

Sirius: "I trapped her in a cage! Ha, ha! And I _don't _have to go right now!"

Me: "Stop quoting that gross commercial!"

Sirius: -humming the commercial-

Me: "And stop humming it!"

Sirius: -whistling the commercial-

Me: "And stop doing anything that has to do with that commercial in general!"

Sirius: -sigh-

**Note:** To readers of _Distorted Reflections –_ Chapter Four (Potterholics Anonymous) is up! Plus, I am working on the next chapter (tentatively to be called "Bonfire") right now. I just figured I'd put this up and see if I get any more reviews. Me likey reviews. -nods frantically-

Sirius: "Liz, do you _really _think that acting that pathetic will help get you more reviews?"

Me: "I don't know. _Maybe_. Hey, why don't you do puppy-dog eyes?"

Sirius: "What? No! It's your job to get reviews, not mine!"

Me: "Do it or I'll kill you in the next chapter. . . ."

Sirius: "You already wrote the next chapter. You wrote this when you were sixteen, remember?"

Me: "Well, I'll change my mind and choose to kill you instead."

Sirius: "Then you'd just have a bunch of angry reviews about how you killed the handsomest, sexiest, best-looking-in-leather character in the entire series."

Snape: "Excuse me, Black, but I do believe that title belongs to me."

Me: "Shut up, both of you! We both know Remus is the sexiest!"

Sirius and Snape: "_What?_"

Me: "Anyway, please review!"


	4. Victoria

**Chapter 4: Victoria**

As the reader of this pointless and random fic undoubtedly knows, at the end of last chapter, Sirius was humming a very annoying and gross commercial. I'm not sure what the product is but it's about bladder control which is why it is gross. Who wants to hear about controlling your bladder, I ask you? Sirius Black is the answer. Anyway, due to threatening to write in Mrs. Weasley killing him as a tiger, he stopped talking about it. However, after you hear something a lot of the time, it sort of sticks in your brain (like _Hedwig's Theme_). I am humming that right now . . . yeah, _anyway_, you get the point. So, I ask your patience if I begin humming the bladder control commercial song while having random conversations.

Anyway, as Sirius hasn't interrupted me yet with something really stupid and pointless, I will go on talking. Hmm . . . oh, yeah, I forgot, Thursday, February 16, 2006 was Harry Potter Appreciation Day at my school (this is an unofficial day but you're welcome to celebrate it. Plus it doesn't have to be on February 16, it can be on any day that _you _think Harry Potter needs to be appreciated for its greatness!). Would you like to know _why_? Because Harry Potter was mentioned in homeroom _and _in my next class we watched _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_! It was _great_!

Sirius: "Why is it that it's always _Harry Potter_? Why isn't it _Sirius Black and the Boy-Who-Lived_? I _am_ one of the main characters in it!"

Me: "Sirius, I explained this to you in Chapter 3. It's because you're supposedly a mass murderer who escaped from Azkaban and Harry thinks you're evil and wants to kill you because you betrayed his parents."

Sirius: "I did not! Peter did it, not me!"

Peter: "No, I didn't!"

Sirius: "You little liar!"

Peter: "You ugly dog!"

Sirius: "Betrayer!"

Peter: "Murderer!"

Sirius: "_Don't _start that again! I _did not _murder James and Lily!"

Peter: "Yes, you did, you pig!"

Me: "Uh . . . excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt." _Yes, I do._ "But . . . why pig?"

Peter: "I couldn't think of anything better."

Sirius: "Ha, ha!"

Lupin: "Hey, why is Peter here?"

James: "Hey, didn't that guy betray us to Voldemort?"

Lily: "Oh my God, he did! Let's kill him!"

Peter: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Sirius: "Hey, that's _my _line!"

Peter: "Well, it's _mine _now! Mwahaha!"

Voldemort: "Come on, Wormtail. It's _my _line!"

Me: "Hey, where are all these people coming from? I mean, James and Lily are dead and Voldemort wouldn't want to be in the same room or whatever with all these people who hate him. How is this happening?"

All: "We don't know, but we'll think of something!"

Fudge: "Oh my God, it's Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew! I can arrest them and be able to _do _something!"

Fudge tries to put handcuffs on Voldemort.

Voldemort: "_Stupefy!_"

Peter: "Yay, Voldy!"

Voldemort: "I _told _you not to call me Voldy!"

Me: "Voldemort's nickname is Voldy?"

Sirius: "Yet another one of the things that Jo forgot to mention!"

Lily: "We should sue her, you know."

Me: Finally, a voice of reason!

Dumbledore: "We _do not _insult our creator!"

Lily: "Uh, oh."

Dumbledore: "Oh my God! What are James and Lily doing here? They're _supposed _to be dead!"

Harry: "Oh my God, my parents are alive!"

Dumbledore: "But they're supposed to be dead!"

Harry: "But they're _alive_!"

Dumbledore: "But they were killed by Voldemort!"

Me: "You mean Voldy?"

Harry: "Yeah, but they're here! Oh my God, I love you guys!" -group hug-

Sirius: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Dumbledore: "A bit?"

James, Lily, and Harry: "We must kill Voldemort!"

Dumbledore: "But James and Lily are dead!"

Harry: "No, they aren't."

Dumbledore: "Yes, they are."

Harry: No, they aren't!"

Dumbledore: "Yes, they are!"

Harry: "Hey, why am I arguing with you? I thought I was your favorite student!"

Dumbledore: "Well, you aren't anymore! Now, I like Draco Malfoy! Mwahaha!"

Harry: "NO!" -wails-

Me: _Well, there goes the point for this chapter._

Voldemort: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

James and Lily die.

Harry: "NO!" -wails again-

Voldemort: "YES!"

Harry: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Voldemort: "NO!"

Voldemort dies.

Harry: "YES!"

Me: "Whoa, did Harry actually _kill_ Voldemort?"

Dumbledore: "No, he didn't. That was actually Voldemort's evil twin, Moldy Wart."

Me: "Voldemort has an evil twin?"

Dumbledore: "Yup."

Sirius: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention."

Me: "I'm _really_ getting annoyed at all of the things she forgot to mention."

Peter: "Let's sue her!"

Sirius: "Why are you still here?"

Peter: "Hmm . . ." -tick-tock, tick-tock-

Sirius: "_Well. . . ?_"

Peter: "Because I like it here, pig!"

Me: "Not the pig thing _again_!"

Sirius: "I've never been more insulted in my life! Our relationship is over!"

Me: "Uh . . . we didn't _have _a relationship."

Sirius: "Well, if we ever _did _have one, it's over!"

Me: _Okay, whatever._

Harry: -wailing over parents dead bodies-

Dumbledore: "Well, they _were _dead."

Harry: "Shut up, Dumbledore! You don't understand how I feel!"

Draco: "He never said he did."

Dumbledore: "Thank you, Draco. Let's go." -walks off arm-in-arm with Draco-

Harry: "NO!" -wails louder-

Hermione: "It's alright, Harry. I don't know how you feel but it's alright, anyway."

Harry: "I'm _so _misunderstood!" -wails _still louder_-

Me: "Okay, this is getting _really _annoying."

Hermione: "Tell me about it. Hmm . . . I know. Harry, do you want to marry me?"

Harry: "I'd love to, Hermione. But a lot of the shippers are expecting you to get hooked up with Ron."

Hermione: "Oh, didn't you hear? Ron is engaged to the alligator that bit him!"

Harry and Me: "WHAT?"

Harry: "Well then, sure, Hermione. I'd love to marry you. Right now, in fact!"

Wedding music plays

Peter: "And do you, Harry Potter, take this woman, Hermione Granger as your wife through. . . ."

Harry: "I do."

Peter: "And do you, Hermione Granger, take this man, Harry Potter as your husband through. . . ."

Hermione: "I do."

Peter: "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Harry grabs Hermione and gives her a passionate kiss.

Me: _Find a happy place, find a happy place. . . . Ugh, I can't do it! It's too horrible! What happened to the Liz/Harry ships?_

Sirius: "Er . . . there were none, Liz. Sorry to disappoint you. I think Peter's open though."

Me: "_Very _funny, Sirius."

Sirius: "I know, I should work as a stand-up comedian! In fact, I think I'll do the show for this wedding!" -hops up on stage-

Harry, Hermione, and Peter: -applause-

Sirius: "Hey, everyone! Hope you're having a great time today! Hey, I have a joke for you! Why did the chicken use the toilet?"

Harry and Hermione: "Hmm. . . ."

Peter: "Twenty-four!"

Sirius: "Oh, so close! The correct answer was because it had to go, had to go, had to go right then!"

Me: "Sirius, I thought I told you to stop quoting that commercial!"

Sirius: "You did? I do not recall."

Me: "Well, I did. Oh, Mrs. Weasley!"

Mrs. Weasley: -growls- "You're mine!" -chases after Sirius-

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" -runs out of scene-

Hermione: "Aren't I supposed to get a ring, Harry?"

Harry: "Uh . . . well, since the wedding was on such short notice, I didn't have time. . . .so, uh. . . ."

Hermione: "You won't even get a ring for your wife? I'm divorcing you!"

Harry: "NO! Hermione, I love you!"

Hermione: "That won't be good enough for me! Oh, Ron!"

Ron comes in holding hands with an alligator.

Ron: "Hey, 'Mione, hey, Harry. Did you two just get married?"

Hermione: "No, we're divorced now! Harry won't even buy me a ring!"

Ron: "That's horrible! I'll buy you a ring, Hermione! I love you!"

Alligator: "What about me, Ron? We've been together so long!"

Me: "How can an alligator talk?"

Harry: "How can Ron be engaged to an alligator in the first place?"

Me: "Good point."

Ron: "Well, I'm dumping you now for my true love, Hermione Granger!"

Hermione: "You really mean it, Ronnie?"

Ron: "Yes, my sweet Hermy!"

Me: -gags- "Hermy? Ronnie?!"

Ron gives Hermione a passionate kiss and the two walk off into the sunset. How can a sunset be in my mind? Well, they walk out of my mind, I guess. Man, this is confusing!

Harry: "Well, at least he grew out of his adolescent idiot stage."

Me: "True." Wait a sec, now that Harry's a single? "Oh, Harry. . . ."

Harry: "She's so beautiful. . . ."

Me: _Finally, he notices!_

Harry: "I can't believe I never thought of it before. . . ."

Me: _The big question! He's going to ask me the big question and I'll get it right this time! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!_

Harry: "Miss Alligator, will you marry me?"

Alligator: "Of course, Harry!"

Me: WHAT? NO!!!

Harry: "Liz, will you be the priest?"

Me: "YES!" _ Oh, no!_

Wedding music plays once more.

Me: -grumbles- "And do you, Harry Potter, take this woman, Miss Alligator as your wife through. . . ."

Harry: "I do."

Me: -sigh- "And do you, Miss Alligator, take this man, Harry Potter as your husband through. . . ."

Alligator: "I do."

Me: -sniff- "You may . . . kiss the bride." -wails- _My Harry, not my Harry!_

Harry gives the alligator a passionate kiss.

Me: _NO!!!_

Peter: "_I'm _still open, you know, Liz."

Me: "Eww!"

Harry and Alligator make to walk off into the sunset.

Voldemort: "Wait a sec, I have a gift for the happy couple!"

Harry: "Didn't I just kill you?"

Voldemort: "No, of course not, Harry. That was my evil twin, Moldy Wart. Dumbledore explained that to Liz while you were busy wailing over your parents' dead bodies."

Harry: "Yeah, because _you _killed them!"

Voldemort: -face-palm-

Alligator: "Wait a sec, if this Moldy Wart guy was your evil twin, then doesn't that mean that you're. . . ."

Voldemort: "The good twin! I am good! Or at least partly."

Me: "Partly?"

Voldemort: "I am _partly _good, you see because Harry is _my _arch enemy, not Moldy Wart's. He is always stealing my glory, always! Ever since we were kids. . . ."

Me: "Okay, this isn't the time for reminiscence, Voldy."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: "Touchy."

Voldemort: "Alright, anyway, since Harry is _my _arch enemy, I want the chance to kill him and his parents. So, I will bring his parents back to life and. . . ."

Harry: "I thought Dumbledore said there was no spell that can bring dead people back to life."

Voldemort: "Well, there is. I just made it up, it's called, 'The Fake Latin - Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell."

Harry: "Nice."

Voldemort: "Exactly. So, I will bring your parents back to life so I can have a chance to defeat them and kill them and get all the glory for myself. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Wow! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me!"

Alligator and Me: -roll eyes-

Me: "Let's see it then."

Voldemort: "Fine. _Deadus Peoplus Bringus Backus tous Lifus!_"

James and Lily jerk and twitch for a moment and then come back to life.

Harry: "Yay! Mum and Dad are back!"

Lily: "What happened?"

James: "Yeah, I'd like to know that too."

Alligator: "Voldemort brought you back to life because his evil twin, Moldy Wart killed you guys and he wants the glory for killing you and Harry."

James: -murmurs- "Er . . . why is an alligator talking to us?"

Lily: -murmurs- "No clue, just back away slowly."

Harry and Alligator: -roll eyes-

Harry: "Mum, Dad, this is my wife, Miss Alligator."

Lily: "Your name's Miss Alligator?"

Alligator: "No, that's what Liz has been calling me because she doesn't know my name. My real name is Victoria."

James and Lily: "Victoria?!"

Victoria: "Yes."

Harry: "Oh, my sweet Victoria! My sweet Vicky! I love you!" -passionate kiss-

James: "This is just wrong. Our son is married to an alligator. This makes no sense!"

Lily: "Who said this fic made sense?"

James: "Good point."

Me: _Find a happy place, find a happy place!_


	5. Almonds

**Note: **This chapter is, once again, dedicated to my Media Studies teacher for eating almonds while I happened to be writing this chapter. Yay, almonds! You want to know what all this is about, then read the chapter!

**Chapter 5: Almonds**

Have any of you ever learned about the Great Depression? I have, and it was a very depressing time (which you should understand by the name). If you are worried that this chapter will be educational, then fear not. It will not. I am simply trying to make a comparison between the Great Depression and myself. For I am even more depressed than the people in the Great Depression were. _Why?_ you may ask.

The answer is simply my un-depressed friend, Harry is married to Victoria the alligator and there's nothing I can do about it! *wails* I mean, who would choose an alligator over me? _Me!_ Liz, the author of this fan fic, he chose to marry an_ alligator _instead of _me_! But Victoria will pay, I will make her pay for marrying my love! Mwahaha! There, now I'm a bit more stimulated and a little less depressed. I wish I could say the same about Harry's family. They are very depressed that Harry has married an alligator, James and Lily especially. I think they expected him to marry Ginny or Hermione, but definitely not an _alligator_!!! I'm not sure how Sirius is taking it though. Wait a sec, was I just worried about Sirius? I must be _really _depressed.

Sirius: "Hey, Liz. I'm not depressed at all! I'm feeling great about my godson marrying an alligator! Then, I can have mutant grandkids!"

Me: "Er . . . why would you want mutant grandkids?"

Sirius: "Because they'd look cool. And I could start a circus with them as mutant kids along with me being a stand-up comedian! Hey, do you know why the chicken used the toilet?"

Me: "Sirius, shut up with that joke. It's really annoying along with the joke about your name."

Sirius: "But me telling you jokes will help get you less depressed."

Me: "So now you're a psychologist?"

Sirius: "No, I am a stand-up comedian! However, I know how you are feeling anyway. You are feeling depressed because my godson married an alligator instead of you. . . ."

Me: "Yes, _me_!"

Sirius: "Okay, let me finish. So, therefore, you need to get un-depressed so telling you jokes will help you get stimulated from laughter and you'll get happy instead of depressed."

Me: _I'll pretend that made sense._ "Not when they're really bad jokes!"

Sirius: "What? My jokes aren't bad. They're really funny!"

Me: *murmurs* "To you."

Sirius: "I heard that! I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Me: _Yay! Now he'll wail and run out._

Sirius: "Will not! I am going to help get you stimulated and un-depressed. And I know one surefire way to do that."

Me: "And that would be. . . ?"

Sirius: "COFFEE!"

Me: "No, I _hate _coffee! My dad likes it but not me! No way!"

Sirius: "But coffee is _so _good! And it's healthy!"

Me: "No, it isn't, you idiot! It might be healthy to someone who eats junk food all day." *cough* "Sirius." *cough* "But not to me!"

Sirius: "But it _really _stimulates you! I gave it to James and Lily and they weren't the same since."

Me: "In what way?"

Sirius: "Um. . . ."

James: "I'M HYPER! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! I WANT TO HAVE MUTANT GRANDKIDS, SO SIRIUS CAN GET RICH AND BUY ME MORE COFFEE!!! HA, HA, HA!"

Lily: "I'M EVEN MORE HYPER! MWAHAHA, AND I'LL GET _MORE _COFFEE! MWAHAHA!"

James: "NUH-UH!"

Lily: "UH-HUH!"

James: "NUH-UH!"

Lily: "UH-HUH!"

Me: "Okay, I'm scared."

Sirius: *drinks coffee* "BUT IT'S _GREAT_, LIZ!!! I'M HYPER!"

Me: "Now I'm even _more _scared."

Hermione: "Hey, Liz!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I'm _not _drinking coffee!"

Hermione: "Er . . . I didn't ask you to. But, I was just wondering about the conversation we were going to have."

Me: "Oh, right. Sorry. . . ."

Ron: "Hey, Hermy! Want some coffee?"

Me: "Hermione, don't do it. You've got your whole life ahead of you!"

Hermione: "Sure, Ronnie!" *drinks coffee* "I'M _SO _HYPER!"

Ron: *drinks coffee* "I'M EVEN _MORE _HYPER!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Coffee is _so _horrible!"

All: "COFFEE IS GREAT!"

Me: "Okay, this is _really _scary."

Lupin: "What's going on here?"

Sirius: "Moony, mate have some coffee! IT'S GREAT!"

Lupin: "Ugh, no! I _hate _coffee!"

Me: "Finally, a voice of reason!"

Ron: "Why don't you like COFFEE, Lupin? It's GREAT!"

Lupin: "It stunts your growth and makes your blood cholesterol go up."

James: "It does?"

Lupin: "Yup."

James: "Ah!" *has a heart-attack and faints*

Lupin: "_That's _why you shouldn't drink coffee."

All: "Ah!" *all have heart-attacks and faint*

Me: "Are they dead?"

Lupin: "No, they just fainted."

Me: "Are you sure?"

Lupin: "Well, it looks like Sirius might be dead." *hits Sirius over the head with a frying pan but Sirius doesn't move* "Yup, he's dead."

Me: "We'll have a job explaining this to Harry."

Harry walks in holding hands with Victoria.

Harry: "Hey everybody. . . . What's wrong with everyone?"

Lupin: "They're, er . . . napping."

Harry: "Hey, people, wake up."

Everyone wakes up except Sirius.

Me: "There goes solving the problem the easy way."

Lupin: "The easy way?"

Me: "Writing in Sirius becoming alive. But my conscience won't let me do that."

Harry: "Hey, what's wrong with Sirius?"

Lupin: "He's er . . ._ really _tired."

Harry shakes Sirius by the shoulder. He doesn't move.

Harry: "Is he. . . .?"

Lupin: "Yes, Harry, he's dead."

Mrs. Weasley: "NO! That was _my _job, not coffee's!" *destroys the coffee machine thingy that I can't remember the name of right now, it might even be called a coffee machine but I can't remember*

Bellatrix: "Actually it was _my _job."

Mrs. Weasley: "No, it was _mine_. It was one of the things that Jo forgot to mention."

Bellatrix: "Mine!"

Mrs. Weasley: "Mine!"

The two women start having a cat fight about whose job it was to kill Sirius.

Harry: *wailing over Sirius's lifeless body* "This is all my fault!"

Me: "How is it your fault?"

Harry: *sniff* "Because I have to say that and be depressed because that's what a lot of people wrote fan fics about after _Order of the Phoenix_."

Me: "I thought you hadn't read _Order of the Phoenix_."

Harry: "I did now. Victoria taught me how to read."

Hermione: "Ooh! Did you read _Hogwarts, A History_?"

Victoria: "Are you kidding? That's one of my favorite books!"

Me: _Oh yeah, I forgot that that was the point of this chapter._ "Hey, did you two read _Half-Blood Prince_?"

Hermione: "Oh yeah, it was _so _sad!"

Victoria: "Do you know who R.A.B. is? I have no idea."

Hermione: "It's obvious it's Professor Binns, isn't it?"

Me: *sigh* "No, it isn't Binns, it's. . . ."

Harry: "You guys, we have to save Sirius!"

Hermione and Victoria: "No! Now we'll never know who R.A.B. is, _no_!!!"

Lily: "Is there any way to save him?"

James: "There has to be! He's my best friend, I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "Okay, that's really cheesy."

Hermione: "As cheesy as Harry's hysterical sobbing after he gets back from the graveyard in the _Goblet of Fire _movie?"

Me: "It's close."

Lupin: "I have an idea."

Harry: "What is it? I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "No more cheesiness, _please_!"

Lupin: "In my extensive reading I came across a book about coffee and it said that there was no cure for the effects of coffee-hyperactivity, stunting of growth, and heart-attacks."

Harry: "What was the point of telling us then?"

Lupin: "Let me finish. I didn't think that that was true so I did some research and found that there is one cure for coffee." *drum roll*

All: "What is it?"

Lupin: "The cure for coffee is. . . ." *another drum roll*

All: "Stop it!"

Lupin: *sigh* "Fine, the cure for coffee is . . . almonds!"

Me: "Almonds? Why almonds? Who wrote this book, anyway?"

Lupin: "It's almonds because their nutrient chemicals counteract the effects of coffee by producing a liquid in the body that is immune against the effects."

Me: _I'll pretend that made sense._

Lupin: "And the book is by some guy."

Me: "Well, this guy makes no sense, whoever he is."

Guy: "Yes, I do! It makes perfect sense if you read more and if you eat almonds!"

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Harry: "But where can we _find _almonds? Does anyone here have any?"

All: "Nope."

Harry: "Ahhh! All hope for saving Sirius is lost!"

Lily: "No, there is still hope!"

James: "How? My best friend is dead and there's nothing I can do!" *wails*

Guy: "I collect almonds, you know and I could give you some."

James and Harry: "_Please!_"

Guy: "But. . . ."

Me: "Uh, oh, buts aren't good. That usually means there's a consequence."

James: "But what?"

Guy: "But you must give me a computer."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, a pomcuter?"

Guy: "Yes, a computer so that I don't have to borrow my friend's ones all the time."

Me: "Um . . . where are we supposed to get a computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "I have one!"

Me: "Oh yeah!" _Wow, this is actually a plot point, I'm connecting things in different chapters instead of having them be totally pointless._

Guy: "So can I have it?"

Mr. Weasley: "I don't know. . . ."

James: "Give it to him, now!"

Mr. Weasley: "Sure!"

Me: "Wait, wasn't the mouse broken on the computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "It was fixed."

Me: "How?"

Mr. Weasley: "You wrote it in."

The computer was fixed.

Mr. Weasley: "_See?_"

Me: "Smart."

Guy: "Yay, I have my own computer now! And almonds! Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "So, will you give us the almonds now?"

Guy: "Oh yeah, here you go." *hands over bag of almonds* "And here's my book, _Almonds: The Defense Against Coffee's Evil Effects_. Only $19.95! Pick it up at any local bookstore today!" *exits with a flourish while pushing the computer*

James: "Yay! Now we can save Sirius!" *puts an almond into Sirius's mouth*

Sirius opens his eyes and hops up.

Sirius: "Whoa, what happened? COFFEE!"

All: "No, almonds!"

Sirius: "Almonds?"

All: "Almonds! They're great!" *each of them eat an almond and grin*

Sirius: *eats an almond* "These almonds are great! I love them, they get me stimulated! Hey, Liz, try some almonds!"

Me: *sigh* "Okay." *eat an almond from my kitchen* "They're great! They get me stimulated too!"

All: "ALMONDS!" *start doing a line dance* "We love almonds, we love almonds!"

Me: "This is a bit scary . . . yet cool!"

Guy: "I have a computer . . . and almonds!"

**Note: **Guy was loosely based off of my junior year Media Studies teacher. While I was writing this chapter, I saw him eating a bag of almonds. Here was my thought process:

_Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter . . . ooh, look almonds . . . Random Conversations . . . oh my God, almonds are the cure for coffee!_

Scary, I know.

**Note: **If anyone is keeping up with _Distorted Reflections_, the next chapter should be up by Friday at the latest. I would have liked to have it up earlier, but real life always seems to get in the way. Damn you, real life!


	6. Eating Out

**Note: **Thank you to VampiresWizardsCentaursOhMy, ObsessiveConcierge, Jen94, MichelleBlack a.k.a Elle, and crapmuffins for your reviews. They are much appreciated! :D

**Chapter 6: Eating Out**

This chapter marks a great point in this totally pointless fanfic, _Random Conversations_. Why? you may ask. The answer is simple, my brave friend. Up till now, the chapters have been planned by the characters and I in Chapter One by the character's wishes. However, their wishes weren't really fulfilled because we went off on a tangent . . . wait isn't that like stream of consciousness? _Yes_, this is educational too!

Dumbledore: "The stream of consciousness technique in literature is imitating the non-sequential thought pattern of a character - in this case, you."

Me: *sigh* "I know what stream of consciousness is, Dumbledore. I learned it a few days ago when _my _English teacher taught it to me. Now, wait a sec, I'm trying to write the intro and then we can get to the randomness." _Wow, I'm surprised it wasn't Sirius interrupting._

Sirius: "_I _was eating almonds. They're great and they really stimulate you!" *eats an almond and grins* "Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Me: "That guy created a monster."

Guy: "But almonds are _great_! And they're also good for you! Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Sirius: "Oh, yeah!"

Anyway, like I said before, the first five chapters were planned but now we enter the realm of speculation and guesswork (_Half-Blood Prince, The House of Gaunt_, Albus Dumbledore). So, if you thought the first five chapters were random, get ready for even more randomness! If you are too scared to continue on with this fic, then I understand. Just go and read another fic, but please leave a review on the way out.

Harry: "Why do you want people to leave reviews anyway, Liz?"

Me: "So that I can hear what the people think and try and improve it. For this fic is made for the people!"

Harry: "You mean you'll actually improve this fic?"

Me: Thanks for ruining the moment, Harry. "I'll try, but it's kind of hard with you guys and your totally pointless talk."

Harry: "What do you mean?"

Sirius: "Almondo's Best Almonds, try them today!"

Me: "See what I mean?"

Harry: "Um . . . no."

Me: "That was a rhetorical question, Harry."

Harry: "What's a rhetorical question?"

Dumbledore: "A question that isn't meant to be answered."

Me: "Thank you, Dumbledore. Victoria, I don't think you're doing your job right. Harry's still pretty stupid."

Victoria: *sigh* "I know, but I had a lot on my plate getting him to read the first five Harry Potter novels."

Me: "He didn't read _Half-Blood Prince_?"

Victoria: "No, I told him it was really sad before he read it and now he's refusing to open it."

Me: "Yeah, I know, with Dumbledore dying and everything."

Harry: "Dumbledore died? Yes! Who killed him?"

Victoria: "Er . . . Snape."

Harry: "Yes! Dumbledore died!" *reads _Half-Blood Prince _in a second*

Draco: "No, Dumbledore died! NO!"

Dumbledore: "What, I die? NO!" *he walks off with Draco, both of them sobbing*

Me: "Okay, that was a bit weird."

Hermione: "A bit?"

Harry: "Hey, Hermione, do you know who R.A.B. is?"

Hermione: "I thought it was Binns but Liz said that that was wrong."

Harry: "Who is it then?"

Me: "R.A.B. is Regulus Black, Sirius's little brother."

Harry, Hermione, and Victoria: "WHAT?"

Regulus: "That's right, everyone. _I _stole the locket Horcrux and have destroyed it. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Wait, a Horcrux is part of Voldemort's soul, isn't it?"

Me: "Yup."

Harry: "Yay! I only have three more to destroy."

Dumbledore: "Actually, Harry, I chose Draco for that task now, since you and I are mad at each other."

Hermione: "So Draco's the Chosen One?"

Dumbledore: "Yup."

Victoria: "But isn't Draco a Death Eater?"

Dumbledore: "Not any more."

Harry: "How do you know?"

Dumbledore: "I trust Draco Malfoy."

Me: "Isn't that what killed Dumbledore in the first place, trusting too much?"

Victoria: "Yup, he trusted Snape too much and Snape killed him."

Snape: "What? I would never kill Dumbledore!"

Sirius: "But you _did_, Snivellus."

Me: "Wait a sec, where'd Snape come from?"

Snape: "I am back . . . again. And _don't _call me Snivellus, Black."

Sirius: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivelly."

Snape: "And don't call me that either!"

Sirius: *barks*

Me: "Why is it that every time they meet, they fight?"

Lupin: "It's the way they are, they have a natural hatred of each other."

Me: "Well, we should fix that."

Lupin: "Good luck."

James: "Go Sirius!"

Regulus: "Wait a sec, did you just say Sirius?"

James: "Oh my God, Sirius, your brother's alive!"

Sirius: "Regulus?"

Regulus: "Sirius?"

Both: "Oh my God, you're alive!" *hug each other*

Me: _Okay, this is weird._ "I thought Sirius and Regulus hated each other."

Lupin: "They did, but when Sirius heard Regulus had been killed by Death Eaters because he tried to back out, Sirius felt bad and became sad that his brother had died."

Me: "Why didn't he tell Harry that?"

Lupin: "Because he wanted to act like he hated his whole family and didn't feel attached toward any of them."

Me: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: *sigh*

Regulus and Sirius: "Let's get Snivellus." *start punching and hitting Snape*

Snape: "Ow, stop it, stop it!"

Regulus: "Eat walnuts, fool!"

Me: "Walnuts? What do they do?"

Lupin: "They cause unbearable suffering when they are stuffed up a person's nostrils."

Me: "Well, wouldn't that hurt with any food stuffed up your nostrils?"

Lupin: "Probably, but they only had walnuts at the time so they made do with walnuts."

Sirius: "Eat Almondo's Best Almonds, fool!"

Snape: "Ahhhhh! I want my mummy!"

Sirius: "Well, go and play with your chemistry set, Snivellus." -kicks Snape who runs off wailing-

Lupin: "Why do you insist on saying that line from the movie, Pads? It's _really _bad."

Sirius: "No, it isn't. Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Cuaron: "Thank you, Sirius."

Me: "Where'd Alfonso come from? He's not a Harry Potter character."

Lupin: "Neither is Guy or Victoria."

Me: "_So? _I made those guys up. Alfonso Cuaron is a real person and not that good a director for _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_."

Sirius: "What? How can you say that, Liz? He was the _best _director ever!"

Me: *rolls eyes*

Cuaron: "I've never been more insulted in my life! My direction of _Prisoner of Azkaban _was great!"

Me: "Yeah, if you don't count all those really cheesy parts. And what about that ending, a freeze frame of Harry on a broom? _Way _too sudden."

Cuaron: "You just don't understand physics."

Me: "Er . . . what does physics have to do with directing a movie?"

Cuaron: "I don't know, but I'll think of something!"

Me: "You annoy me so much, you. . . ."

Harry: "Wait, Liz!"

Me: "What?"

Harry: "You want to be able to improve this fic, don't you?"

Me: "Yes."

Harry: "Well, what better way than to make a movie with Cuaron as the director?"

Me: "Not when he's a really _bad_ director."

Harry: "A lot of people think Cuaron's good, believe it or not."

Sirius: "Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Harry: "Think of all the publicity, our names in lights! Forget _Goblet of Fire_, it's the new and improved _Random Harry Potter_!"

Me: "No, don't forget _Goblet of Fire_. It's coming out in _four days_ and I'll watch it in _seven days_! Yay!"

Harry: "What then?"

Me: "How about _Order of the Phoenix_? Some people don't think it's worth a movie, anyway; I saw it on some message boards."

Harry: "Yes! Forget _Order of the Phoenix_, and see _Random Harry Potter_!"

Me: "Yes! Hey, Alfonso."

Cuaron: *sniff* "Are you going to insult me again?"

Me: "No, we want you to direct a movie, _Random Harry Potter_.

Cuaron: "Alright, I was thinking of directing another Harry Potter movie, anyway but this one sounds much better. Let's just lose the _Random Harry Potter _and make it _Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point_."

Sirius: "Great title! Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Me: "Whatever. Anyway, we have to have something with a point, what should the plot be in the movie?"

Cuaron: "How about we do a showdown between Harry and Voldemort?"

Me: "Yeah, right after he's destroyed all the Horcruxes he has to kill Voldemort and he goes after Voldemort without Ron or Hermione."

Dumbledore: "Destroying the Horcruxes is Draco's job."

Me: "Well, for the purposes of this movie, we'll make Harry do it because Draco's supposed to be the bad guy. So, what happens after that?"

Cuaron: "How about Voldemort captures Harry before Harry can kill him and is about to kill Harry. . . ."

Me: "But Harry saves the day in some strange and lucky way involving their two wands, phoenix tears, and Dumbledore."

Cuaron: "That works, it'll probably only be thirty minutes though."

Me: "Not if we do everything in slow motion."

Cuaron: "Perfect! Hey, Harry, Voldy, come over here!"

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Cuaron: "Touchy."

Harry: "So, are we going to make the movie?"

Me: "Yup. Okay, you and Voldemort go to some old graveyard or something and fight."

Harry: "How can a graveyard be in your mind?"

Me: "I'll imagine it in my mind's eye."

Trelawney: "Are you a Seer, my dear?"

Me: "_No_, Trelawney, it's my mind's eye, my imagination. Yours is an Inner Eye."

I imagine a graveyard in my mind's eye and Harry and Voldemort go there.

Harry: "Wait, don't we need someone to film this movie?"

Me: "Oh yeah, how about Guy?"

Cuaron: "Who's guy?"

Me: "Not guy – Guy – and he's some guy who eats almonds. Hey, Guy, want to be the cameraman for _Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point_?"

Guy: "Sure! Hey, and I can use my computer to put special effects in the movie."

Me: "How did you know it was a movie?"

Guy: "Because you were too lazy to explain the situation to me again on the computer."

Me: "True."

Harry: "Wait, where will Guy get a camera?"

Me: "It's attached to the computer."

Harry: "How?"

Me: "I wrote it in and I was too lazy to explain him getting one."

Guy has a camera attached to his computer.

Harry: "Smart."

Cuaron: "Enough chit-chat, let's start!"

Me: "Okay, Harry, you bring out your wand and be about ready to hit Voldemort with a spell."

Harry: "Um, alright. But won't it not work with the _Priori Incantatem_?"

Me: "For the purposes of this movie, we're making you come up with some thoroughly complicated potion that counteracts the effects of _Priori Incantatem_."

Harry: "You're doing a lot of weird things for the purposes of this movie."

Me: "_Who _is the director here?"

Cuaron: "Me."

Me: *sigh* "_Who _is the person who is writing this worthless conversation down?"

Harry: "You."

Me: "Exactly, now do it!"

Harry: *sigh* "Fine." *takes out his wand and points it at Voldemort*

Me: "Guy, are you taping this?"

Guy: "No, I can't."

Me: *sigh* "Why not?"

Guy: "I'm hungry, and a genius can't work on an empty stomach."

Me: "Why don't you eat some almonds, then?"

Guy: "I don't have any with me." *wails*

Harry: "I'm hungry, too."

Voldemort: "So am I."

Guy: "Let's go out to eat."

Harry and Voldemort: "Yeah!"

Cuaron and Me: *roll our eyes*

Voldemort: "Let's go to Subway!"

Harry: "Let's go to Burger King!"

Guy: "Let's go to Spike's!"

Voldemort: "Subway!"

Harry: "Burger King!"

Guy: "Spike's!"

Voldemort: "Subway!"

Harry: "Burger King!"

Guy: "Spike's!"

Sirius: "I have an idea, let's go to Ronzio's."

All: "That works."

All of them go to Ronzio's.

Muggle Girl: "Oh my God, are you Harry Potter?"

Harry: "Er . . . yeah, I am."

Muggle Girl: "Oh my God, can I like, have your autograph? I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, I can't believe this is happening!"

Me: _She isn't _really_ obsessed. Harry is mine, not Victoria's, not this Muggle Girl's, MINE!!! Wait a sec, how can a Muggle Girl be in my mind if I don't want her to be?_

Cuaron: "How can I have gotten into your head if you don't want me to be? Or Guy . . . or Victoria?"

Me: "Well, you're important to the plot. . . ."

Cuaron: "Guy is important to the plot?"

Me: "Yes! Almonds cure coffee!"

Sirius: "Not just almonds, Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Me: "Thank you, Sirius." _Wait a sec, did I just thank Sirius?_ *nearly faints*

Cuaron: "And how is Victoria important to the plot?"

Me: "Hmm. . . ."

Victoria walks in while Harry is making out with Muggle Girl.

Victoria: "Harry Potter! Have you forgotten you were married to me and can't go off making out with other girls?"

Muggle Girl: "You're married? You told me you were single! You liar, I hate you! I have never been more insulted in my life!" *runs off wailing*

Harry: "Muggle Girl, wait!"

Me: "You don't even know her name and you made out with her?"

Harry: "Her name's Muggle Girl."

Me: "How do you know?"

Harry: "Because that's what you've been writing down and she didn't tell me otherwise."

Victoria: *snaps at Harry*

Harry: "Ow, Victoria!"

Victoria: "Well, maybe that will teach you not to cheat on your wife." *snaps at Harry again*

Guy: "Let's get pizza!"

Voldemort: "Alright, let's get mushroom topping."

Harry: "No, pepperoni!"

Voldemort: "Didn't you ever think of anyone's feelings, Harry? Didn't you ever stop to think that I could be a vegetarian?" *wails*

Harry: "You're a vegetarian?"

Voldemort: "That's right, I hate to think of the poor little pigs and cows and sheep being killed and then us eating them and chopping them to pieces in our mouths."

Me: "The number one evil wizard in the world . . . is a vegetarian?"

Sirius: "Yup. It's one of those things that. . . ."

Me: *sigh* "Jo forgot to mention."

Guy: "Well, how about we get an almond topping? That'll suit everybody."

Sirius: "Great idea! This Guy is a genius, I tell you!"

Cashier: "Can I help you?"

Guy: "We'd like to order three large almond pizzas, please."

Cashier: "Er . . . we don't have almonds as a topping."

Sirius: "What? No almonds? Don't you ever think of the customer?"

Cashier: "Well, not many people want almonds on their pizza."

Sirius: "Well, you should try and please those people who _do _want almonds on their pizza! Did you know that almonds are a cure for coffee, and what if someone came in and was about to have a heart-attack because they'd had too much coffee, hmm? And if you didn't have any almonds, that person would die!"

Cashier: *sniff* "That's so sad! I'll do a petition about getting almonds as a topping for pizza! But right now we can't."

Sirius: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Voldemort: "Wait, don't you have that deal where you can order whatever you want on three large pizzas?"

Cashier: "Well, yes, but it's for _normal _toppings."

Sirius: "Do you have something against almonds?"

Cashier: "No, that almond story changed my life! But, well . . . the people I work for, they fear change. They only order three large pepperoni pizzas."

Voldemort: "NO! Those poor cows!"

Manager: "What's going on here?"

Cashier: "Well, these people want almonds on their pizza, sir."

Manager: "ALMONDS ARE EVIL!"

Guy and Sirius: "EAT ALMONDO'S BEST ALMONDS, FOOL!"

Voldemort: "COW-KILLER!"

Guy, Sirius, and Voldemort attack the manager and beat him up with frying pans and Almondo's Best Almonds.

Me: "Is someone taping this?"

Cuaron: "I am. This is even better than _Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point_. _This _is _Harry Potter and the Quest for Almond-Topped Pizza_! It will be the highest-grossing film since_ Titanic_!"

Me: "Somehow, I doubt that."

Trelawney: "My dear, do you have an Inner Eye?"

Me: "No, but it's kind of obvious."

Trelawney: "How? I foresee only good things for this movie."

Me: *roll eyes*

Voldemort: "COW-KILLER!"


	7. Sammy and Chuck

**Note: **Has anyone seen the _Half-Blood Prince _movie yet? I went to see it at midnight and it was so awesome!!! If you've seen it, leave your opinion on it in a review (please?).

**Chapter 7: Sammy and Chuck**

I have some bad news and some good news. The good news is that Cuaron has finally left my mind and I don't have to have conversations with that horrible director anymore. The bad news is why he left. As you know, in Chapter Six, Cuaron and I decided to make a movie, _Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point _which was changed to _Harry Potter and the Quest for Almond-Topped Pizza_. Cuaron got excited because he thought it would make loads of money. Money, money, money!!! Unfortunately, it only made $10.00, he gave it to the movie theaters for $10.00 and he was the only one who bought a ticket for $10.00. Sad, I know. So, right now Cuaron is probably depressed and probably drinking loads of coffee, I hope he has almonds with him. . . .

Sirius: "Almondo's Best Almonds! Try them today!"

Me: *sigh* "Hello, Sirius."

Sirius: "Hey, Liz! I have great news, I'm hyper!"

Me: _You're hyper 24/7._ "Why are you hyper?"

Sirius: "Why? You have to ask _why_? You don't know?"

Me: "Er . . . no."

Sirius: "Victoria is pregnant!"

Me: "Oh, yeah, now you can start your mutant circus, right?"

Sirius: "Yeah!"

Me: "How do you know if your grandkids even _want_ to be in a circus as mutant kids?"

Sirius: "Well, too bad if they don't! Because _I _want to make money! Big bucks!"

Me: "You won't even give them some of the profit?"

Sirius: "No, it's all mine! MINE!"

Me: "Okay, he's a bit weird."

Harry: "A bit?"

Me: "Thank you, Harry."

Sirius: "Oh, look it's my godson, soon to be a father!" *cheesy grin*

Harry: "I heard you, Sirius and if you want to start a circus like that with my kids as mutant kids, then. . . ."

Me: "Finally, a voice of reason!"

Harry: "You have to give me some of the money!"

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "Welcome to corporate England, Liz."

Me: *rolls eyes*

Victoria: "Hey, what about me? I'm the one who's going to go through hours of labor to bring kids into the world and you won't even give me some of the dough?"

Sirius: "You and Harry can split it."

Harry: "Hey, that's not fair! They're _our _kids and you want us to split the money you make on them?"

Sirius: "Yeah, that sounds about right."

Harry: "Why you. . . ."

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" *runs out of scene being chased by Harry*

Me: "Wow, Sirius sure has a lot of people after him: Bellatrix, Mrs. Weasley, and now Harry."

Mrs. Weasley: "I thought Sirius was dead."

Bellatrix: "So did I."

Me: "No, he lived by the power of almonds!"

Mrs. Weasley and Bellatrix: "Almonds?"

Me: "Not just almonds, Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Bellatrix: "That's a bit weird."

Mrs. Weasley: "A bit?"

Guy: "How dare you insult almonds, they are the thing that people live for, besides almond-topped pizza, that is."

Manager: "ALMONDS ARE EVIL!"

Guy: "No, almonds are great, aren't they, Sirius?"

Sirius: "Yup, they are."

Manager: "NO! They are evil!" *chases after Sirius along with Harry, Mrs. Weasley, and Bellatrix*

Me: "Well, he's dead."

Guy: "You think so?"

Me: "Yeah, but then again, I'll probably write him in as being alive again, so that I don't miss any characters."

Guy: "Would you miss me if I left?"

Me: "Not really."

Guy: "What? I've never been more insulted in my life!" *runs out*

Victoria: "So. . . ."

Me: "Yeah."

Hermione: "Victoria, congratulations! Ron and I just heard! Is it a girl or a boy?"

Victoria: "They're twin boys!"

Hermione: "Oh, that's so great! What are their names?"

Victoria: "We've basically decided on Sammy and Chuck but Harry wanted to call one of them Harry Jr."

Hermione: "That's dumb, I can't believe I ever married him."

Ron: "You only married him for a minute, sweet Hermy."

Hermione: *sigh* "Yes, and then I found you, my darling Ronnie." *passionate kiss*

Me: "Not Hermy and Ronnie again." *gags*

Ginny: "Wait, you and Hermione are married, Ron?"

Ron: "Yup, we've been married for around three chapters, now."

Hermione: "Why, didn't you know?"

Ginny: "Because Liz kept forgetting to write me in knowing about it. So, is Harry single?"

Ron: "Er. . . ."

Hermione: "Well. . . ."

Victoria: "He's married to me."

Ginny: "What? My love is married to an alligator?"

Victoria: "And we're having twins!"

Ginny faints.

Victoria: "Er . . . does anyone know CPR?"

Ron: "Nope."

Hermione: "Nada."

Me: "I couldn't do it even if I did know how because you guys are just in my mind, remember? Sirius, do you know how to do CPR?"

Sirius: "What's CPR?"

Me: *face-palm*

Harry: "Wait, I know how to do CPR!"

Me: "Finally, someone smart!"

Harry performs CPR on Ginny and she wakes up. Harry's lips are near hers.

Ginny: "Oh, Harry, I knew you cared! I knew you wouldn't marry an alligator!"

Victoria: "Er . . . he did."

Ginny: "NO! I thought that was only a dream! NO!!!"

Harry: "And we're having twins, would you like to come to the baby shower?"

Ginny: "NO! You're _my _love, Harry, _mine_, not Victoria's, _mine_!"

Me: "Welcome to the club."

Ginny: "What club?"

Me: *sigh* "That was sarcasm, Ginny, but if you want to join a club. . . ."

Hermione: "How about SPHW?"

Me: "How did you know about that?"

Hermione: "It's in your You Know You're Obsessed With Harry Potter When. . . . list."

Me: "How did you read that, though?"

Sirius: "The same way that I did."

Me: "Well, how did _you_ do it?"

Sirius: "Magic."

Me: *rolls eyes* "I want a real explanation, Padfoot."

Sirius: "Hey, you can't call me Padfoot. Only Marauders can call me that."

Me: "Well, I just did, ha!"

Lupin: "Why does this remind me of a conversation in Chapter 2?"

Me: "You weren't even around during that conversation."

Lupin: "Well, I read it."

Me: "How?"

Lupin: "Magic."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm tired of you guys doing everything by supposed magic!"

Lupin: "How do you know it's supposed? How do you know we're not actually doing magic?"

Me: "Because my brain, again - _my _brain - is impervious to magical spells, it's like Hogwarts being impervious to Muggle technology."

Harry: "Hogwarts can't have Muggle technology?"

Hermione: "No! Haven't you ever read, _Hogwarts, A History_?"

Harry: "Er . . . no, just the Harry Potter books."

Me: *face-palm*

Ginny: "What's SPHW?"

Me: "The Society for the Protection of Harmless Werewolves."

Ginny: "Ooh, I'd like to join!"

Lupin: "Me too!"

Manager: "You shouldn't join SPHW, you should join AWMBE!"

Ginny: "AWMBE?"

Manager: "All Werewolves Must Be Eliminated. Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "NO!"

Dad: "YES! Mwahaha! All werewolves will be eliminated and so will everyone from Harry Potter!"

Lupin: "He's evil."

Me: "No, he's just deprived."

Lupin: "But he said werewolves and all the characters from Harry Potter must be eliminated!"

Me: "Yes, I know that's evil, but he's the one pre-ordering the _Goblet of Fire _movie, so we call him deprived until then, _then _we can call him evil."

Lupin: "Good plan."

Ginny: "No, your dad isn't evil, Liz, it is Victoria that's evil! She has stolen my darling Harry and has married him and now they're going to have mutant twins and be a happy family and Ron has Hermione and I have no one!"

Peter: "I'm still open, Ginny."

Ginny: "Eww!"

Peter: "Why doesn't anyone like me? I'm just ugly Wormtail, James gets Lily and Sirius gets all the sexy girls, and Lupin gets Tonks. Who do I get?"

Lupin: "No one, Peter because you betrayed all of us to Voldemort."

Peter: "I d-didn't mean to!"

Lupin: "Do you know what a horrible line that is?"

Peter: "As bad as the one about Sirius saying to Snape to go off and play with his chemistry set?"

Lupin: "It's close."

Peter: *wails* "No one loves me!"

Me: "Yup."

Ginny: "No! I have an intelligent thought that can get rid of Victoria for good! Mwahaha!"

Me: "What is it?"

Ginny: "We set Victoria up with Peter!"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Hermione: "That's a great idea, Ginny!"

Me: "I thought you liked Victoria."

Hermione: "Well, now I don't! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Victoria: "A bit?"

Hermione and Ginny: "Victoria, where'd you come from?"

Victoria: "Er . . . I'm right here, remember?"

Ginny: *blushes* "Oh, yeah, sorry about that."

Hermione: "Yeah, sorry. Ha, ha."

Victoria: "Um, are you alright?"

Hermione and Ginny: "Yeah, we're fine."

Me: "Don't ask."

Victoria: "I won't."

Ginny: "Okay, back to the plan."

Hermione: "So, what's the plan?"

Ginny: "To set Peter up with Victoria."

Hermione: "How?"

Ginny: "I'm still working that out."

Hermione: *face-palm*

Ginny: "Wait, I have just had a stroke of genius!"

Hermione: "What?"

Ginny: "We write a love-letter to Victoria. . . ."

Hermione: "What are you, gay?"

Ginny: "No, fool!"

Me: "Isn't Hermione supposed to be the smart one?"

Ginny: "Well, right now she isn't, right now she's being a bit tactless."

Hermione: "Hey, that's _my _line, that's what I say to Harry when he goes on that horrible date with Cho."

Cho: "Oh, and am _I _the one who made it horrible? It wasn't my fault, I just wanted to talk about Cedric and my feelings, but Harry was _so _insensitive!" *wails*

Hermione: "I know exactly how you feel, Cho, Harry wouldn't even buy me a ring when I got married to him!"

Cho: "You were married to Harry?"

Hermione: "Only for a few minutes, then we divorced and I married my darling Ronnie instead!"

Me: *gags* "Not Ronnie _again_!"

Cho: "Oh, the Tornado-hater?"

Ron: "The Tornadoes are evil, they are cheating in the League!"

Luna: "Ronald is right, you know."

Ron: "Why do you always call me Ronald, instead of Ron?"

Luna: "Because I _love _you, Ronald! That's what some shippers say anyway, along with the Harry/Luna ships."

Me: "What about the Liz/Harry ships?"

Sirius: *rolls eyes*

Me: "Shut up, Sirius."

Sirius: "I didn't say anything."

Me: "Why, you. . . ."

Hermione: "Well, Ron's _my _husband, Luna, not yours, so you can just give up on him!"

Luna: "But Ronald is my one true love!"

Neville: "What about me? We're both weirdoes, aren't we?"

Luna: "Yes, but Ronald told such a wonderful alligator story." *sigh* "Daddy would love to put it in the _Quibbler_: _brave young man gets bitten by wild beast_. . . ."

Victoria: "That 'wild beast,' happens to be married to Harry Potter right now." *snaps*

Luna: "Uh, oh. Sure Neville, I'd love to marry you!" *runs off with Neville into the sunset*

Ron: "Thanks, Victoria, I sure wouldn't want to be married to Loony Lovegood all my life."

Hermione: "I wouldn't have let you, my sweet Ronnie. We'll spend our lives together!"

Ron: *gulp*

Me: "There's foreshadowing of future marriage problems."

Cho: "What about me? Ron and Hermione are together and Neville and Luna are together and Harry even has an alligator, but I have no one, _no one_!" *wails* "What's the point of being pretty, if you can't even have a boyfriend?"

Me: "I thought you had Roger Davies."

Cho: *sniff* "I did, but he went off to try and marry Fleur Delacour but Bill attacked him because it was near the full moon because he's part werewolf, so he got grumpy and he killed Roger!" *wails again*

Me: "Let me guess, Jo forgot to mention it."

Cho: *sniff* "Yup."

Manager: "That's why you should join AWMBE, werewolves are violent."

Dad: "And evil."

Me: "Well, wouldn't _you _have attacked someone if they tried to marry _your _wife?"

Manager: "I'm not married."

Dad: "And I'm divorced."

Me: *sigh* "That was a rhetorical question."

Dumbledore: "A rhetorical question is a question that's not meant to be answered."

Me: *sigh* "I _know_, Dumbledore. If you enjoy doing this so much, then why don't you go and get a Muggle job again?"

Dumbledore: "Was that a rhetorical question?"

Me: "No, actually."

Dumbledore: "Alright, then." *walks off to get a Muggle job*

Cho: "See, _that's _why I have to get married. I don't want to end up like Manager or Dad, making up pointless societies about werewolves, or answering pointless questions, like Dumbledore."

Dad: "AWMBE isn't pointless!"

Me: *rolls eyes*

Manager: "I have an idea, let's make up a whole new society!"

Dad: "What?"

Manager: "AAMBE, All Almonds Must Be Eliminated. Mwahaha!"

Dad: "Yes!"

Sirius: "NO!" *runs after Manager and Dad, throwing almonds at them*

Cho: "And I don't want to make up pointless societies about almonds, either!" *wails* "Why can't I have a normal guy who isn't afraid to show his feelings?"

Peter: "_I'm _open, you know, Cho."

Heavenly music plays.

Cho: "Oh, my true love, Petey!"

Me: *gags and nearly chokes*

Peter: "Oh, my sweet Cho, forgive me for not noticing you all these years!"

Me: "Um . . . you never met."

Peter: "Yes, we did. It was one of those things Jo forgot to mention. You see, during the years before I was a cowardly Death Eater, Cho's and my family knew each other, but I never realized she was my true love!"

Me: "This is just wrong. They're way too old to have a relationship together!"

Peter: "Who cares how old we are, we've found love! If I wanted to marry a goat, I could, couldn't I?"

Me: "Er . . . why would you _want _to marry a goat?"

Peter: "Suppose I fell in love with that goat and wanted it to share my medical benefits, I could, couldn't I?"

Me: "No."

Cho: "If you're trying to make a point, Peter, it's not working, so let's just get out of here."

Peter: "You're right of course, my sweet Cho." *drive off in a sexy sports car into the sunset*

Ginny: "NO!!! Peter was my only chance to get Harry, _no_!"

Sirius: "Hey, how come Peter and Cho got a sexy sports car, and the other couples just walked off?"

Me: "To prove a point, that even though they're a weird couple, they can still be cool!"

Sirius: "That's one weird point."

Me: "It's my attempt at symbolism in this fic."

Sirius: "Well, it's a pretty bad attempt."

Me: "Oh, shut up, Sirius."

Victoria: "Shut up, both of you." *screams and groans*

Harry: "Victoria, what is it?"

Victoria: "Our children, Harry."

Harry: "Harry II and Harry III?"

Victoria: *sigh* "No, Sammy and Chuck."

Me: "That was kind of sudden wasn't it?"

Victoria: "Hey, _you _wrote it in, because you had to make the twins be born in this chapter because that's the title or all this would have been totally pointless."

Me: *mumbles* "Wouldn't be the first time."

Sirius: "My mutant grandkids are born, yay! Let me see them, let me see them!"

Victoria hands Sammy and Chuck to Sirius.

Sirius: "Hey there, little guys. Do you want to make Grandpa Sirius lots of money, hmm?"

Sammy: *snaps at Sirius*

Sirius: "Ow!"

Chuck: *snaps at Sirius*

Sirius: "Ow, stop it! Don't you want to make your Grandpa Sirius loads of money?"

Both: *snap at Sirius and giggle* "Not unless we get some of the dough."

Me: "Okay, how can a few minute old infants talk?"

Victoria: "Hey, you're the one who wrote this."

Me: "Yeah, but it doesn't make sense even to my weird brain."

Sirius: "Then why did you write it? They're hurting me!"

Me: "I guess for that reason, then." *laughs*

Sirius: "Ow, stop it!"

**Note: **Around the time, I wrote this I came up with a society called SPHW (the Society for the Protection of Harmless Werewolves) because, hey, werewolves are awesome! I got my brother and sister to join, but my dad – who doesn't like Harry Potter – wouldn't budge. In retaliation, he came up with AWMBE (All Werewolves Must Be Eliminated).

I have also written a fic on SPHW called – you guessed it – _The Society for the Protection of Harmless Werewolves_. If you're interested, please read it and, if you would like to join SPHW, please tell me. It doesn't really mean anything. I just put your name under the SPHW Members list at the bottom of my profile, but hey . . . werewolves are awesome!


	8. SPUM

**Note: **I'M BA-ACK! Miss me? No? Either way, you guys will be receiving several updates in the next couple of days.

**Chapter 8: SPUM**

As you know, at the end of Chapter Seven, Sirius was being bitten by Sammy and Chuck, the mutant alligator twins of Victoria and Harry because they wanted some of the dough for his mutant circus. In the end, Sirius agreed to give the twins and their family some of the money he made (if he made any, that is, which I seriously doubt. Who would want to go and see a stand-up comedian with really bad jokes and mutant alligator twins? Not me!).

Sirius: "I don't have bad jokes, Liz, they're really funny! Hey, do you know why the chicken crossed the road?"

Me: "Not used the toilet?"

Sirius: "Nope. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "Um . . . to get to the other side?"

Sirius: "Nope! Because it had to get, had to get, had to get to the other side!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Sammy: "That's really funny, Godgrandpa Sirius!"

Chuck: "Yeah, your jokes are the best!"

Me: "You seriously think that?"

Both: "No, but he's giving us a bunch of money to say that."

Me: "That reminds me of in _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ when Aunt Marge gave Dudley money to let her hug and kiss him."

Sirius: "Yet another one of your obsessions?"

Me: "Yup, and I'm proud of it!"

Sirius: "Why are you proud of being so obsessed with Harry Potter that you relate everything in the world to it?"

Me: "Because I am, just like you're obsessed with almonds, Sirius."

Sirius: "And I'm proud of it, Almondo's Best Almonds!" *eats an almond and grins* "Try them today!"

Guy: "Oh, yeah!"

Me: "Hey, I thought you ran out wailing because I said I wouldn't miss you?"

Guy: "I got over it."

Me: "How?"

Guy: "The power of almonds!"

Me: "Merlin, this is getting annoying."

Hermione: "You think?"

Me: "Yeah, I do think! How can we get these guys to stop obsessing over almonds?"

Manager: "Have them join AAMBE. All Almonds Must Be Eliminated! Mwahaha!"

Hermione: "Somehow I don't think that will work."

Dad: "Why not?"

Me: "Because Sirius and Guy are already so obsessed with almonds that they would kill you if you tried to make them join AAMBE."

Dad: "They've already tried to kill us."

Hermione: "How?"

Dad: "By throwing almonds at us."

Me: "How would that kill you? They're just almonds."

Dad: "Because their nutrient chemicals are also like acid to people who hate almonds and they burned holes where they touched our bare skin."

Hermione: "That doesn't make one bit of sense."

Ginny: "Tell me about it."

Victoria: "How about we get them obsessed with coffee again?"

Me: "NO! I'm not going through that again!"

Victoria: "Going through _what _again?"

Me: "Having them all be hyper again. Then, I might as well Copy everything from Chapter Five and Paste it right here."

Victoria: "Good point."

Ginny: "Wait, I have just had a stroke of genius!"

Hermione: "What?"

Ginny: "Never mind, I just lost it."

Hermione: *sigh*

Ginny: "Wait, it's back!"

Victoria: "What?"

Ginny: "Um. . . ."

Me: *face-palm*

Ginny: "Wait!"

All: "What?"

Ginny: "Never mind."

Me: "Ahhhhhhh! How are we supposed to get her to remember?"

Lupin: "I have an idea."

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "In some more of my extensive reading, I came across a passage about amnesia and how you can make someone remember."

Victoria: "So Ginny has amnesia?"

Lupin: "Well, no, it's more like forgetfulness but it's basically the same thing."

Me: "So what's the cure?"

Lupin: "It said that the cure for amnesia was eggshells."

Me: "Eggshells? That's nearly as crazy as the cure for coffee being almonds, in fact, it's even more crazy!"

Hermione: "Does it work even if it's forgetfulness?"

Lupin: "Well, there is some debate amongst amnesiaologists about whether it will work with forgetfulness."

Hermione: "And if it doesn't?"

Lupin: "Then the victim usually dies from the eggshells."

Me: "How can you die from eggshells?"

Lupin: "They get trapped in your lungs and make your lungs make some weird liquid that kills you."

Me: "How can food get trapped in your lungs, I don't think it's even along the same passageway!"

Lupin: "Well, it does, at least that's what amnesiaologists say."

Hermione: "And you're telling us this _now_? You must be joking!"

Lupin: "Why does it matter if I told you now, it's not like you've fed it to her or anything."

Victoria: "Oops."

Me: *face-palm*

Lupin: "You seem a bit tense."

Hermione: "Do I?"

Me: "Why are you guys quoting from the _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire _movie?"

Hermione: "I just saw it last night, along with some of the special features."

Lupin: "So did I."

Me: "Wow, you guys are as bad as me."

Hermione: "No, we aren't, at least we don't relate everything we see or hear to Harry Potter."

Me: "True."

Ginny: "Wait, I just had a stroke of genius!"

Me: "Whoa, the eggshells actually worked?"

Lupin: "Obviously."

Me: "Whoa, who's this book by, anyway?"

Lupin: "Some Muggle Girl."

Me: "The same Muggle Girl who made out with Harry?"

Muggle Girl: "That's me."

Me: "NO! Now I have to listen to this Muggle Girl, too!"

Hermione: "What was your stroke of genius, Ginny?"

Ginny: "How about we make Sirius and Guy obsessed with something else besides almonds?"

Hermione: "Like what?"

Ginny: "Hmm. . . ."

All: "Hmm. . . ."

Victoria: "How about walnuts?"

Me: "No, because then they could stuff them up our nostrils and cause us unbearable suffering if we ever criticized them. Remember what happened to Snape?"

Snape: "Ah, I want my mummy!"

Sirius: "Well, go and play with your chemistry set, Snivellus!"

Me: *face-palm*

Lupin: "What did you do, Sirius?"

Sirius: "I stuffed almonds _and _walnuts up his nostrils and ears! Mwahaha!"

Hermione: "Okay, walnuts are definitely out."

Ginny: "You think?"

Muggle Girl: "Wait, how about eggshells?"

Me: "No, not eggshells

Muggle Girl: "Why not?"

Me: "Wouldn't they get trapped in Sirius and Guy's lungs and produce some weird liquid to kill them?"

Guy: "Liz, I didn't know you cared!"

Me: "I don't."

Muggle Girl: "What, you don't even care about your friends?"

Me, Sirius, and Guy: "Friends?"

Muggle Girl: "Yes, friends! In fact, you probably don't like my idea because I went out with your _darling _Harry."

Me: "Don't start that again." *clenches fist*

Muggle Girl: "I've never been more insulted in my life!" *runs out wailing*

Guy: "How could you do that, Liz? How could you be so insensitive when she was so pretty?"

Me: "She made out with Harry when he was mine!"

Victoria: "Ahem."

Me: "Er . . . I mean Victoria's." _But he should have been mine!_

Guy: "Well, you were really insensitive anyway. Muggle Girl, wait!" *runs out*

Me: "Wow, a lot of people like this Muggle Girl, whoever she is: Harry and now Guy. Ooh, there's a plot point, Harry and Guy could have a fight over Muggle Girl!"

Harry: "Muggle Girl? Where?"

Me: "Um . . . she just left."

Harry: *starts to run out*

Victoria: "Don't you _dare_."

Harry: *pouts* "But Guy got to. . . ."

Victoria: "Guy is unmarried while _you _are. _Plus _you're a father now!"

Harry: *pouts again* "Please?"

Victoria: "NO!"

Me: "Or not."

Ginny: "Wait, how about moths?"

Harry: "What are you talking about?"

Ginny: "We need to get Sirius and Guy obsessed with something else besides almonds so how about moths?"

Me: "What's so great about moths?"

Ginny: "They're really cute and easy to catch."

Me: "How are they cute? They're the ugliest colors I've ever seen in my life! Who would want a moth for a pet?"

Ginny: "She didn't mean that, Barry, don't worry."

Hermione: "Yeah, she didn't mean that, Buster."

Me: "Who are Barry and Buster?" _Dare I ask._

Hermione and Ginny: "Our pet moths!"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Dad: "Pet moths? Cool!"

Manager: "Oh my God, those are awesome!"

Me: "But moths are _so _boring!"

Sirius: "How dare you say that, Liz! Moths are great, even better than almonds. I remember I had a pet moth when I was little. . . ."

Me: "Yet another one of the things that Jo forgot to mention?"

Sirius: "Yes, and don't interrupt. His name was Justin and he was the best moth in the world! But, then. . . ."

Ginny: "What?"

Sirius: "He died because of some evil spider!" *wails*

Manager: "It's alright, man, I know exactly how you feel. I had a pet moth named Juliet and she was killed by a fly swatter."

Sirius: "Oh, no!"

Me: "But who cares about moths, they're dull colors and one of the dumbest creatures I've even seen in my life!"

Dad: "How dare you say that, Liz! Moths are awesome! I remember I had a pet moth, named Mothy, but I accidentally dropped him out the window before my family moved."

Me: "Didn't that happen with your toy whale when you were a kid?"

Dad: *sniff* "Yes, Mothy was on top of Whaley."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Ginny: "Stop being so mean to moths, Liz. When did they ever do anything to you?"

Me: "They didn't, but they're so dull. . . ."

Ginny: "They are _not _dull! Stop being so mean to moths. You guys, I think we should form a society for moths, like Liz has a society for werewolves."

Sirius: "Yes, to avenge dead Justin, and dead Juliet, and dead Mothy!"

Manager: "That works."

Hermione: "Let's call it SPUM, Society for the Protection of Un-Boring Moths."

Me: "Is un-boring even a word?"

Ginny: "Is it underlined in red on your computer?"

Me: "No."

Ginny: "Then it's a word, just like randomness is."

Me: "Yeah, but I made all the words in Harry Potter words in the computer's dictionary because I couldn't stand them having red lines underneath them."

Hermione: "I don't think 'un-boring' or 'randomness' are words in Harry Potter."

Ginny: "So un-boring is a word!"

Sirius: "Yay!"

Dad: "So . . . what were we talking about?"

Sirius: "About SPUM and how moths were un-boring which is a word! Yay!"

Manager: "So this is our first official meeting."

Dad: "Yup, I'll take down the minutes."

Ginny: "What are the minutes?"

Dad: "Um . . . some thing in a meeting where the minute-taker person writes down things."

Hermione: "Oh, no, he has forgetfulness!"

Manager: "Now we can't have the meeting!"

Lupin: "Wait, I have eggshells!"

Manager: "Eggshells?"

Lupin: "They help cure forgetfulness. Here, feed them to Dad."

Dad eats the eggshells and remembers what he had to say.

Dad: "Oh, yeah, the minutes are what happens in the meeting during each of the separate minutes or what you do during the meeting."

Manager: "How'd you know that?"

Dad: "I'm the manager of a Burger King."

Manager: "Cool, I'm the manager of a Ronzio's, why doesn't Liz call you Manager 2, then?"

Dad: "Because I'm her Dad, idiot."

Manager: "Don't call me idiot!"

Dad: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivellus."

Sirius: "Hey, that's my nickname for Snape."

Dad: "Well, it's my nickname for Manager now, Snivellus."

Sirius: "Why are you calling _me_ Snivellus? I hate Snape."

Dad: "Well, I didn't know, I just saw it in this fic and thought everyone you hated was called Snivellus."

Hermione: "Do you even like Harry Potter, Dad?"

Dad: "No, actually."

Manager: "And I thought you were my friend, but if you hate Harry Potter we can never be friends. In fact, I like almonds now, too!" *throws almonds at Dad*

Dad: "No, not the almonds, not the almonds! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" *runs away with Manager, Sirius, and Hermione throwing almonds at him*

Ginny: "Well, I guess this meeting is over."

Me: "Yup."

Ginny: "Okay, what were the minutes again?"

Me: "Um . . . that thingy."

Lupin: *face-palm* "They weren't a _thingy_, they were an um. . . ."

Me: "Oh, no, we all have forgetfulness! We must eat eggshells!" *eat an eggshell from my kitchen*

Ginny: "There, so the minutes are, Sirius, Dad, Manager, and Hermione fight because Dad calls everyone Snivellus."

Me: "And then they chase Dad out because he doesn't like Harry Potter."

Ginny: "That sounds about right. Except. . . ."

Me: "What?"

Ginny: "I was just wondering about what those poor chickens felt like when their eggshells were cracked open so we wouldn't have forgetfulness. Wouldn't that hurt them?"

Voldemort: "Finally, someone who understands me! Wouldn't you like to be a vegetarian now?"

Ginny: "Not really, I couldn't live without BBQ chicken from KFC."

Me: "Eww, I hate KFC."

Voldemort: "Do _you _want to be a vegetarian?"

Me: "No, my sister is though, along with my freshman English teacher."

Voldemort: "Yes! I will go recruit them as vegetarian Death Eaters!"

Me: "Um . . . I doubt they'll want to be Death Eaters, Voldy."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivellus."

Sirius: "That doesn't even make sense."

Me: "I know, but it's to infuriate him and make him forget about recruiting my sister and teacher as Death Eaters."

Sirius: "Didn't he just hear you?"

Voldemort: "You got me so mad, I'm just going to give up on recruiting Muggle Death Eaters now!" *leaves*

Sirius: "How did that work?"

Me: "Because I was too lazy to have him do that right now. I need to end this chapter soon, anyway."

Ginny: "Wait, don't end it yet, you forgot to do one thing in the summary!"

Me: "What?"

Ginny: "We have to discuss what came first, the chicken or the egg."

Me: "I know, I kept trying to slip that in but when Voldemort came in, it was basically impossible."

Ginny: "Well, now we can discuss it, I think it was the egg that came first because the dinosaurs evolved into chicken-like things and then they laid an egg which was the first real chicken."

Me: *sigh* "No, it was definitely the chicken, because God made all the animals first and the chicken would be an animal, even if it was a chick, I doubt God would just drop down an egg."

Ginny: "Egg!"

Me: "Chicken!"

Ginny: "Egg!"

Me: "Chicken!"

Lupin: "Here, I got BBQ chicken from KFC and scrambled eggs from Scramblers."

Ginny and Me: *roll our eyes*

Lupin: "What? What?"


	9. Cheesy and Cheddar

**Chapter 9: Cheesy and Cheddar**

Time for another History analogy, people! I hope you remember in Chapter Five, when I related the Great Depression to myself and how depressed I was because Harry had married Victoria the alligator instead of me. If you don't remember this, then please read Chapter Five again, or read it if you accidentally or purposely skipped ahead, because, believe it or not, I kind of, sort of relate things in different chapters so you can understand the jokes. Now, if you have learned about the Great Depression, then that probably means you have learned about the American Revolution and how happy the colonial Americans were after they gained their freedom from England (if you are British and are reading this, then no offense). You may ask what the analogy is. . . . Well, you see my friend, I am as excited as those colonial Americans were because . . . *drum roll* _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire _is out on DVD! Yay!!! Not only that, but I was able to see Dan in the bath!

Harry: "Don't you mean Harry?"

Me: *sigh* "No, I mean Dan. That's the name of the actor who plays you, Harry."

Dan: "How do you know we're not the same person?"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Ron and Rupert: "Or us."

Hermione and Emma: "Or us."

Me: "Okay, I'm confused now. Can't you guys just merge together, or something. You know, mitosis?"

Emma: "Actually, I think mitosis is separation."

Me: "Well, the other one! Osmosis, or something."

Hermione: "Osmosis is something else altogether. Didn't you take biology?"

Me: *sigh* "Yes, I did. But I had one of the most boring teachers in the world, and I don't remember what the other thingy besides mitosis is."

Ginny: "Was the teacher even more boring than moths?"

Me: "It's close."

Ginny: "What was their name?"

Me: "For the purposes of this fic, I will not reveal their name." _Plus I don't want he/she to read this and figure out who I am._

Ginny: "Why don't you tell us? You modeled Guy after one of your teachers."

Me: "Yes, but I didn't use his real name. Guy is just the name we use because I don't want to put his teacher name and get in trouble if he reads it."

Ron: "Why would you get in trouble?"

Me: "Because if I make him do something really dumb." _Actually, I've already made him do really dumb things, anyway. . . . _ "And if he reads it, that could be slander or something."

Rupert: "What's slander?"

Dumbledore: "When you abuse someone verbally in print."

Me: "Hey, I thought you went and got a Muggle job."

Dumbledore: "No one wants to hire me, strangely enough, they say I'm too weird. Can you imagine?"

Me: Yes.

Dumbledore: "But I will persevere!"

Draco: "Yay, Dumby!"

Dumbledore: "DON'T CALL ME DUMBY!"

Voldemort: "Touchy."

Dumbledore: "Shut up, Voldy."

Voldemort: "Make me, Dumby."

Sirius: "Whoa, those two are as bad as me and Snivellus."

Snape: "_Don't _call me that, Black."

Sirius: *barks*

Me: *face-palm* "We _really _have to get those guys to settle their differences and be friends."

Sirius and Snape: "Friends?"

Me: "Well, maybe not _friends _exactly, more like . . . acquaintances who put up with each other."

Dad: "Okay, that'll be Chapter Ten."

Me: "What are you doing, Dad?"

Dad: "Taking down the minutes, what else?"

Me: "This isn't an SPUM meeting, you know."

Dad: "I know, but I decided to be the minute-taker for _Random Conversations_. You really need some organization in this pointlessness."

Me: _Since when has Dad been organized?_ "Er . . . this isn't really taking down the minutes. This is more . . . organizing chapters."

Dad: "Well, I'll be the chapter-organizer then."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Dumbledore: "Eat pepperoni, fool!"

Voldemort: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Me: "What are you doing, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore: "Defeating Voldy for calling me Dumby."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Dan: "Wait, I thought it was Draco's job to defeat Voldemort."

Gambon: "It was."

Dan: "Was?"

Gambon: "Yes, _was_. I'm giving it to _you _now, Dan, because Draco keeps calling me Dumby."

Tom: "NO!"

Me: "Wait a sec, why are all the actors talking to each other instead of the characters?"

Lupin: "It's the law of _Random Conversations_. When actors start talking to characters, the characters must go to their actor's/actress's name."

Me: "This fic has a law?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: "Even though it's totally random?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: "But this fic doesn't even have a point! How can it have laws, wouldn't that mean the laws would be pointless?"

Hermione: "Isn't the point of this fic, its being pointless?"

Lupin: "But that would mean it didn't have a point, if its point was its pointlessness!"

Me: "Man, this is confusing, it's like paradox."

Dan: "What's paradox?"

Gambon: "A contradictory statement."

Me: "Oh, yeah, I had a vocabulary quiz on that today."

Gambon: "How did you do?"

Me: "I got a 27/25 I think."

Dad: "That isn't good, you should've got a 28/25!"

Gambon: "I agree."

Fiennes: "So do I."

Me: "Whoa. My deprived father who doesn't even like Harry Potter, Dumbledore, and Voldemort agreeing on something, it's a miracle! Wait a sec, I have an idea which is somewhat like a plot point. Dumbledore, Voldy. . . ."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: *sigh* "Fine. Dumbledore and _Tom_, if you like teaching so much, why don't you both go and get Muggle teaching jobs?"

Voldemort: "No, I wouldn't want to work with someone who calls me Voldy." *pouts*

Me: "But you could get a job in the cafeteria and make vegetarian food."

Dan: "And then feed it to Dumbledore!"

Me: "Yeah, I guess so."

Fiennes: "That's a great idea, thanks, Dan!"

Gambon: "NO! I don't want to work with someone who gives me vegetarian food, no! I couldn't live without BBQ chicken from KFC!"

Me: "Then bring a bag lunch or something." _Just get out of here, please!_

Dan: *whisper* "But Voldemort, why don't you sneak veggie food in there, too? Mwahaha!"

Gambon: "Why is Dan whispering when he's saying 'Mwahaha!' with an exclamation point?"

Dad: "Because he's overdramatic and overplays everything!"

Dan: "How dare you insult me like that! I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Gambon: "How dare you insult, Dan. Him and I have just gotten over our fight and now you're insulting him!"

Dad: "And you also overplay everything!"

Gambon: "I have never been more insulted in my life, I should kill you, Dad!" *Gambon and Dan run after Dad, hitting him with random spells*

Me: "Okay, this is getting really confusing. Can't you guys just switch back to your character form and be the same person, you know, meiosis?"

Hermione: "Actually, Liz, I think meiosis is separation."

Me: "_No_, we just discussed this a while ago, mitosis is separation and meiosis is merging together."

Rupert: "Isn't estrangement separation?"

Me: "Yes, but that's another form of separation, that's like a couple divorcing."

Ron: "How'd you know?"

Me: "It was on that vocabulary quiz I had and it was one of the few words that I knew without a doubt was the answer. So, can't you guys perform meiosis, _please_?"

Emma: *sigh* "Fine, but can't you put Emma instead of Hermione. Hermione is too hard to pronounce for some of the readers."

Me: "Well then, they should read _Goblet of Fire_ in _The Yule Ball _when Hermione teaches Viktor to say her name."

Ron: "He's using her."

Hermione: "Shut up, Ron."

Me: "Ooh, marriage problems!"

Rupert: "What?"

Emma: "We get married? No, I love Dan, not Rupert with his long, lion-like hair!"

Rupert: "And I like that chic who plays Fleur."

Ron: "Okay, I think it's time to perform mitosis."

Hermione: "You mean meiosis."

Ron: "Whatever."

Harry/Dan, Ron/Rupert, and Hermione/Emma merge into one person, so from now on I'll refer to the Harry Potter characters/actors as their character name so it doesn't get confusing to anyone (including me!).

Oldman: "Wait a sec, how'd Dan get back here? I thought he was chasing Dad with Gambon."

Me: "Well, he came back, Sirius, and you should merge together with your character, too."

Oldman: "Why?"

Me: "Because it gets confusing writing the character's name and the actor's name as two separate people and saying different things even though they're the same person. Plus, some people might not know who Oldman – as in Gary Oldman – is, but whoever's reading this probably likes Harry Potter and knows who Sirius – as in Sirius Black – is. However, they might not know the actor's name who plays Sirius, especially if they're a twelve-year-old boy who happens to be my brother."

Oldman: "Well, I'm not going to merge with Sirius and be one guy. Blah!"

Hermione: "Blah?"

Oldman: "It was the only word I could think of on such short notice, so blah! I'm not going to merge!"

Me: "Why not?"

Sirius: "Because I got _way _too little screen time in _Goblet of Fire_, so I should have the right to be two people in this fic and have more, er . . . text time."

Me: "You already have a lot of 'text time' to begin with, Sirius, so that makes up for there not being that much for you in _Goblet of Fire_. Plus, you'll have some in _Order of the Phoenix_."

Oldman: "Yeah, but I _die _in the end!"

Sirius: "So that isn't really fair."

Me: "STOP IT!"

Lupin: "You know, Liz, you're being a tiny bit unfair."

Me: "What am I doing wrong _now_? It isn't my fault that you guys choose to come into my brain and I have to have these pointless arguments. . . ."

Lupin: "Stop with your self-pity, please, and let me explain."

Me: "What. . . .? Me, self-pity? Never!"

Lupin: "Well, first off, it isn't really a fault that we come into your brain because without us there wouldn't really be any story and no one would want to read it if it was just you talking."

Me: "Okay, Lupin, you asked for it. I'm going to write in something really nasty happening to you now, involving Peter hurting you with that silver hand of his."

Lupin: "But then you'd feel bad and write me back in being alive anyway, so let me explain my point, please, and then you can choose whether you want to write me in being killed or not."

Harry: "Wow, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Dumbledore in _Order of the Phoenix_."

Me: "Shut up, Harry."

Lupin: "Can I explain my point now?"

Me: *sigh* "Fine."

Lupin: "You see, Sirius needs to feel wanted 24/7, that's why he comes into your brain first so often. He needs to be wanted and feel recognized, because he has a pathological need for attention, you see. . . ."

Rita: "Like father, like son, I see. Let's see, what should the headline look like? How about, **Sirius Black: Mass Murderer Shares the Love of Attention Like His Twelve-Year-Old Son Harry Potter**.

Bozo: "Loving it, Rita!"

Harry: "Er . . . it's seventeen, Rita, and I was fourteen in _Goblet of Fire_, _not _twelve."

Rita: "Say whatever you want, if it makes you feel better, Harry."

Sirius: "Plus, I'm his godfather, not his father."

Rita: "Ah, well, it has the word father in it."

Sirius: "But I'm _not_, and I'm tired of you printing all these false stories."

Hermione: "Yeah, wait a sec, didn't I blackmail you into not printing any more nasty stories?"

Rita: "Not anymore, because _I've _blackmailed Scrimgeour about telling everyone he's a Death Eater if he tells anyone about me being an unregistered Animagus!"

Me: "Scrimgeour's a Death Eater?"

Rita: "I shouldn't have said that, I _should not _have said that!"

Hagrid: "That's _my _line, Rita."

Rita: "Well, it's _mine _now, you half-breed oaf!"

Hagrid: "_What?_"

Bane: "Do not call us half-breeds, woman!"

Umbridge: "She can call you what she wants, half-breed. You only live on your territory because the Ministry of Magic allows you to!"

Bane: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!"

Magorian: "Mars is bright tonight."

Bane: "What does that have to do with insulting centaurs?"

Magorian: "I don't know, but Mars is bright tonight, plus Jupiter is dull tonight."

Bane: "Awesome."

Magorian: "Totally."

Sirius: "And that was _Totally Magorian_!"

Magorian: "Totally." *plays the guitar*

Hagrid: "Er . . . I don' mean ter be rude but what the bloody hell was that all about?"

Sirius: "It's _Totally Magorian_, a new show debuting _right now_!"

Oldman: "With your hosts: Gary Oldman and Sirius Black!"

Lupin: "See what I mean?"

Me: "Yeah. Wait, is that why Sirius complained about not having enough screen time in _Goblet of Fire_?"

Lupin: *sigh* "Yes, he got mad about the way Newell depicted him in the fire."

Me: "You're right, he really did look like something from hell."

Lupin: "And that's why he likes Cuaron so much, because Cuaron gave him a larger role."

Me: "Wow, I actually feel sorry for him now. Sirius, you can be two people because you didn't have enough screen time. . . ."

Lupin: "Liz. . . ."

Me: "Don't stop me, Lupin, I'm on a roll here. Plus you can do that show, _Totally Magorian_, and you can do a video diary of yourself and Oldman, _and _as a special bonus feature, I won't complain about anything!" _Actually, I probably will, but there's my good deed for the day._

Oldman: "Thanks, Liz!"

Lupin: "Er . . . Liz?"

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "Er. . . ."

Fleur: "Oh, and this 'Serious' man, _he _gets to be two people and _I _do not?"

Me: *sigh* "Fleur, you already get a lot of screen time or enough at any rate."

Fleur: "But I was not made pretty enough, now Bill will never want to marry me!" *wails*

Hermione: "Oh, get over yourself. It's not like you're the main character or anything."

Actress Who Plays Fleur: "Oh, and of course _you _don't care, do you Hermy-own-ninny? _You _get to be pretty in the Yule Ball _and _you get to go out with Viktor Krum!"

Viktor: "Do not insult Hermy-own-ninny, Fleur."

Hermione: "Um, guys it's Her-my-oh-nee, not Hermy-own-ninny."

Actress Who Plays Fleur: "Oh, and _now _you are telling us how to pronounce your name!"

Hermione: "I'm just trying to teach you how to say it _right_, so you don't sound like idiots in this fic."

Viktor: "Fic?"

Hermione: "You know, fan fiction?"

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "You mean people are actually _reading _these pointless conversations?"

Me: "Yup."

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "Awesome! I can be famous now and make up for me not having enough screen time in _Goblet of Fire_."

Sirius: "Not you, too! It's only _me _who gets to be two people because I'm one of the main characters and deserve a larger role than Newell gave me."

Hermione: "You already _are _famous, Viktor, you're an international Quidditch player, and you're always famous in my eyes." *sigh* "My sweet Vicky."

Me: "Vicky? And I thought Ronnie was bad."

Viktor: "No, that's me."

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "And _I'm _not that famous, I only got a little screen time in _Goblet of Fire_."

Me: "But if you merge together with your character, then you can be a famous Quidditch player." _Please let this work, please let this work._

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "No! I want to be famous in _two _ways: I want to be an international Quidditch player and be two people in this fic."

Hermione: "That's a bit greedy, you know, Vicky."

Ron: "Vicky? Hey, we're married Hermione, you can't go off with other guys."

Hermione: *sigh* "I know, Ron."

Me: "Ooh, not Ronnie? Marriage problems, anyone?"

Dad: "I think so, too, so we'll put that in Chapter 11 and the debut of _Totally Magorian _in Chapter 12."

Harry: "I am _not _overdramatic!" *runs at Dad*

Dad: "But that's just Harry, I can kill him with an ashtray."

Me: *shakes head sympathetically* "No, he merged with Dan, so now he's DOUBLE-ANGRY and DOUBLE-POWERFUL." _Why is it that that sounds like something from Power Rangers or Pokemon?_

Dad: "I'll use _two _ashtrays, then!" *throws two ashtrays at Harry*

Harry: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Harry dies.

Dad: "Mwahaha!" *runs off*

Me: "NO!!!"

Victoria: "NO!!!"

All: "NO!!!"

Cedric: "YES! Now _I _can be the hero!"

Voldemort: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Cedric dies.

All: "NO!!!"

Lupin: "Wait, there _is _a solution!"

James: "What? He's my son, I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "Okay, that's really cheesy."

Sirius: "It's not cheesy, it's cheddar."

Me: "Cheddar?"

Sirius: "Yup, when something's not cheesy, it's cheddar. That's part of the physics of movie-making."

Me: "It is?"

Newell: "Yes, it is. PHYSICS!"

Sirius: "You!"

Newell: "What?"

Me: "Uh, oh."

Sirius: "You gave me only a little screen time!" *runs at Newell*

Newell: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" *throws an ashtray at Sirius*

Sirius dies.

Newell: "PHYSICS!" *runs off*

James: "Oh, no, my best friend is dead now!"

Lily: "What's the solution, Lupin?"

Lupin: "In still more of my extensive reading, I came across another book by Guy."

Me: "What was it about?"

James: "Is the answer almonds?"

Lupin: *sigh* "No, it's not almonds. The book was about smoking and how bad it is for your health."

James: "And?"

Lupin: "It mentions ashtrays and how they can kill a Harry Potter character when thrown by a deprived person."

Lily: "_And?_"

Lupin: "It said that the cure for ashtrays being thrown at you is the opposite of an ashtray."

Hermione: "And that would be?"

Lupin: "I'm surprised at you, Hermione. You, the Number-One-Know-It-All don't know?"

Hermione: "No, I don't, because these cures make no sense."

Lily: "Neither does anything in this fic."

Hermione: "True."

Guy: "The cures make sense if you read more, you know."

James: "So, what is it?"

Guy: *sigh* "The opposite of ashtrays are coasters."

Lily: "Coasters?"

Guy: "Yup, you just have to throw a coaster at the people who have been killed by ashtrays and they'll come back to life."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

James: *throws a coaster at Sirius and misses*

Lily: "Men." *throws a coaster at Harry and misses*

Tonks: "Let me try."

Mrs. Weasley: "Er, I don't know, dear."

Me: "How do you know what's happening, Mrs. Weasley?"

Mrs. Weasley: "I was here all along, I just wasn't speaking."

Me: "Oh, is that how everyone is, just waiting in the wings until they come forward at a really inconvenient time." _God, it must be crowded in there._

Mrs. Weasley: "Basically."

Me: "Wow, that must be how Sirius and everyone's been reading my You Know You're Obsessed With Harry Potter When. . . . list and the earlier conversations."

Tonks: *throws a coaster at Sirius and Sirius hops up*

Me: "Whoa, isn't Tonks supposed to be really clumsy?"

Tonks: *throws a coaster at Harry and Harry hops up* "I used to be a pitcher for baseball on the Red Sox."

Wood: "Baseball?"

Me: "It's a Muggle sport, Oliver. Is that one of the things that. . . ."

Tonks: "Jo forgot to mention?"

Me: "Yup."

Tonks: "Yup, it is."

Harry: *launches himself at Cedric's dead body and begins sobbing uncontrollably*

Me: "Not _again_, it was bad enough listening to this in the movie."

Lily: *sniff* "Why? This is the best scene."

Me: "But it's so cheesy."

James: "_No_, it's cheddar."

Me: *sigh*

Harry: *wails*

Dumbledore: "Harry, what's wrong?"

Harry: "I promised I'd give him more screen time, I couldn't leave him!"

Dumbledore: "It's alright, Harry, he's getting more now, everyone's reading this."

Harry: *sniff* "Really?"

Me: "This is really cheesy."

Hermione: "As cheesy as Harry's fake sobbing after he finds out that Sirius is his godfather in _Prisoner of Azkaban_?"

Me: "It's close."

Amos: "That's my boy, NO!!!"

Me: "He just noticed? Cedric's been dead for a while now."

Mrs. Diggory: "He's a bit slow on the uptake, sometimes."

Hermione: "A bit?"

Lupin: "I have an idea!"

Amos: "What?"

Guy: "Almonds?"

Lupin: "We can ask Voldemort to do 'The Fake Latin-Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell.'"

Me: "I don't think he'll do it."

Amos: "Why not?"

Me: "Because Voldemort killed Cedric, he won't bring him back to life."

Mrs. Diggory: "He'd better, VOLDEMORT!"

Voldemort: "You called?"

Me: "Since when has Mrs. Diggory been able to cow Voldemort?"

Harry: "Cow? What cow?"

Victoria: *sigh* "Harry, it's a term, not a real cow, but it means that Mrs. Diggory is able to act superior to Voldemort and make him inferior to her."

Harry: "_Oh._"

Fred: "Oh, I was going to say. . . ."

George: "That was what we did for our seventh-year prank."

Me: "I thought you made that swamp on a school corridor."

Fred: "That was _one _seventh-year prank."

George: "But since the Toad Lady was here. . . ."

Fred: "We thought she deserved more than one."

Umbridge: "Do not call me that, Weasleys! I am an official from the Ministry of Magic and deserve to be treated with proper respect! I am not and will never be a toad!" *croaks and turns into a toad*

Ronan: "Who is the half-breed _now_, woman?"

Bane: "Kill the toad woman!"

Umbridge hops off, closely followed by the band of murderous centaurs.

Me: "Umbridge was a toad Animagus?"

Hermione: "When Jo repeats something in the novels, she obviously wants you to remember it."

Me: "I knew I should have remembered that in the _Ultimate Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter_."

Galadriel Waters: "Thanks, Liz."

Ron: "So what did you do?"

George: "But we also. . . ."

Fred: "Led a cow up to the Astronomy Tower."

George: "So no one could go up the stairs."

Fred: "Because as everyone knows cows can go upstairs. . . ."

George: "But can't go down them."

Fred: "But Flitwick finally levitated it out of the way to Garelick dairy farm."

George: "Once Umbridge had left, of course."

Me: "Let me guess, Jo forgot to mention it?"

Both: "Yup."

Ron: "Hey, do you guys know how to pronounce Garelick?"

Harry: "Isn't it pronounced Garlic?"

Hermione: "No, I think it's Gear-lick."

Fleur: "Oh, and _now _you are telling us how to pronounce the name of a dairy farm?"

Hermione: "I'm just trying to teach you how to say it the _right _way, so you don't sound like idiots."

Fleur: "I do _not _sound like an idiot!"

Hermione: *rolls eyes*

Viktor: "Neither do I! I just didn't get enough screen time in _Goblet of Fire_, so everyone thought that I was strong and silent."

Wood: "In other words, too thick to string two words together."

Viktor: "Shut up, Oliver, the Bulgarians will beat Puddlemere United, anytime, anywhere!"

Wood: "No way, Puddlemere United is the best team and I was the best Quidditch Captain Gryffindor ever saw!"

Viktor: "Well, at least you had a kind of important role in the movies, while I had nothing and I only had _two _lines! Plus, Newell cut my most important line out of the movie!"

Wood: "And that would be?"

Viktor: "When I am asking about Hermy-own-ninny and tell Ron to tell her that if he sees her, I haff drinks."

Ron: "That's a horrible line, it shows how much you're using my precious Hermy and you're _much _too old for her!"

Hermione: "But Viktor's so sweet and he knows how to pronounce Garelick right. Plus, he's not using me, he really cares about our happiness, Ron!"

Ron: "Humph!" *storms out*

Viktor: "Humph?"

Hermione: "He _is _hard to understand sometimes."

Viktor: "Tell me about it. Did you read that alligator story of his?"

Hermione: "Yes, it _was _a bit strange, Vicky."

Viktor: "Hey, how about we go to Madam Puddifoot's and discuss Ron's stupidity?"

Hermione: "You've got yourself a date."

Me: "Marriage problems _definitely _Chapter 11."

Fleur: "Definitely. Hey, since Hermione gets Viktor, Ron can have my little sister Gabrielle and cause _even more _marriage problems. Mwahaha!"

Ron: "What? Isn't she like, nine?"

Gabrielle: "I am eleven as a matter of fact _and _part veela."

Ron: "What do you say we go to the Three Broomsticks and get to know each other's ages better?"

Gabrielle: "Sure. But before we leave, I have a question."

Me: "What?"

Gabrielle: "How do you pronounce Garelick."

Dad: "Guh-re-lick."

Gabrielle: "Thank you, I shall be eternally grateful!" *kisses Dad*

Dad: "Er . . . you're welcome."

Ron: "Come on, Gabrielle." *murmurs* "Rosmerta, here I come."

Dad: "I love that girl."

Fleur: "And what about _me_? I am older."

Dad: "Ooh!"

Bill: *growls*

Dad: "Eat ashtrays, evil werewolf and Harry Potter character!" *throws an ashtray at Bill*

Bill dies.

Cedric: "_Deadus Peoplus Bringus Backus tous Lifus!_"

Bill: "Whoa, that's awesome."

Amos: "My boy is alive! How?"

Mrs. Diggory: "I made Voldemort use 'The Fake Latin-Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell' on him."

Amos: "How?"

Mrs. Diggory: "The power of almonds!"

Dad: "No, not almonds, not almonds!"

Bane: "Awesome."

Magorian: "Totally."


	10. Wallowing

**A/N: **Dedicated to my junior year English teacher who passed out the EVIL STATE-TESTING and inspired (part of) this chapter.

**Chapter 10: Wallowing**

From this moment on, I have decided to make the introduction a kind of diary on what's happening in the world outside of Harry Potter (oh, the horror!). Unless, of course, nothing interesting is happening in the outside world (which is quite often), then I'll put in something random and put this 'diary' in a few random chapters (hence the name _Random Conversations_) when something interesting is happening.

At the moment, I am writing this in my notebook and I will copy it over to my computer. _Why _am I writing this in a notebook? you may ask, when I have a perfectly capable and nice computer. Nice computer, _very _nice computer! Sorry, but I have to do this, so my computer doesn't decide to be mean (don't worry, you're still a nice computer!) and decide to be unresponsive when I try and open the file for _Random Conversations_ on it. And if you think I'm crazy, I also yell at my printer and my floppy disk (which I obviously offended in some way, for it decided to delete some of Chapter 9 yesterday). Well, what else would you expect from a girl who has conversations with Harry Potter characters in her head? I am hoping you would not expect her to be normal, because I am _not _normal, I am crazy. Mwahaha!

Okay, I'm going off on a major tangent now. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, what I'm doing at the moment. Well, I'm obviously writing this, but in the background is a YMCA soccer game between the Crocodiles (which my sister plays on and I have _no idea _why they're called the Crocodiles when their uniforms are red), and the yellow team. I'm not sure what their name is and I'm too lazy to ask. I play soccer too, and my game is at three and it's 1:27 now, so approximately an hour-and-a-half more until I am publicly humiliated. Hooray!

You see, I'm really bad at soccer, but it's a way to lose weight, so I stick with it until it ends in about a month. Our team is called the Dolphins (why? I have no idea), but personally I'd rather be a Chaser on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team.

McGonagall: "Tryouts for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team will be held on the first Friday of the term, if you would like to join, Miss Grass."

Me: "How am I supposed to join the Gryffindor Quidditch team if I'm not even a student at Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore: "You can picture it in your mind's eye, can't you?"

Me: "Yeah, but that can only go so far. I can't bring myself to play Quidditch in my mind. I can only hear you guys and I can only see and interact with you during dreams, but I doubt that anyone would want to hold practice at ten-thirty at night."

Trelawney: "My dear, use your Inner Eye to play Quidditch."

McGonagall: "And how, my dear Sibyll could Miss Grass seeing the future help her play Quidditch?"

Trelawney: "I don't know, but I'll think of something. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Is she having another vision, Professor?"

Dumbledore: "No, Harry, that's just Professor Trelawney being her usual weird self."

Harry: "I see."

Sirius: "But can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"

Me: "Er . . . what does this have to do with the topic?"

Sirius: "I don't know but I'll think of something. Mwahaha! So do you know why?"

Harry: "Because it has lightning-bolt swirls?"

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Yeah right, Harry. It's because there are cinnamon swirls in every bite! A healthy part of this complete breakfast."

Harry: "I see."

Sirius: "Yeah, right."

Oldman: "Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the taste you can see!"

Ron: "What the bloody hell was that all about?"

Sirius: "It's the newest commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

Oldman: "The taste you can see!"

Magorian: "Totally."

Hermione: "How can Cinnamon Toast Crunch be healthy if it's loaded with sugar and cinnamon?"

Me: "Yeah, I've wondered the same thing. I mean, how can Cookie Crisp and Cocoa Puffs be considered healthy?"

Sammy: "Welcome to corporate England, Liz."

Chuck: "All the companies care about is making money. They don't care how obese they make everyone."

Sammy: "Haven't you ever seen _Supersize Me_?"

Me: "Yes, actually. It was very illuminating . . . but then I got bored and wrote more of this."

Both: *roll eyes*

Victoria: "You know, Sirius, instead of making a mutant circus of these two, you should advertise how smart they are."

Sirius: "No, no one wants to hear about smart kids, they want to hear about how weird they are and how mutant they can be."

Sammy: "So basically, Godgrandpa . . ."

Chuck: "You're giving people the information on us . . ."

Sammy: "And aren't having them think anything out for themselves?"

Sirius: "I'm glad you figured it out so quickly."

Hermione: "Honestly, Sirius, you and Harry are dumbing down the UK _so _much."

Guy: "Definitely."

Sirius: "You should talk, it's you that comes up with these pointless cures. I mean, almonds instead of coffee? Come on!"

Guy: *pouts* "I thought you liked almonds."

Sirius: "Well, I don't anymore. Moths are what's hot now, not almonds."

Oldman: "And coffee!"

Me: Oh, God.

Sirius: "Yeah, and coffee. But not gross black coffee without cream or sugar."

Dad: "Hey, that type's good!"

Sirius: "No, it isn't."

Dad: "Yes, it is."

Sirius: "Isn't."

Dad: "Is."

Oldman: "Is."

Dad: "Isn't."

Oldman: "Ha, ha, I made you say it isn't good."

Hermione: "But didn't you just say black coffee without cream or sugar _is _good?"

Oldman: "Not anymore, that was just to trick Dad."

Dad: "I've never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Guy: "So do you like _almond _coffee?"

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "No. I like that stuff that they sell at Dunkin Donuts now that's basically sugar, with the name cappuccino attached to it."

Oldman: "Yeah, that stuff makes you HYPER!"

Me: _Oh, please God, no._

Sirius: "Oh, yeah!"

Oldman: "Hey, let's go get some now!"

Me: _Good, at least you'll leave._

James: "Don't worry, I already got some. Here."

Me: _And even those feeble hopes are dashed on the spiny rocks of fate. Whoa, I like that line, I should write poetry. I'm a poet and I don't even know it, tee hee._

Sirius: "How did you know?"

James: "I'm a man of many talents."

Lupin: "Hey, that's _my _line."

James: "Well, it's _mine _now. Mwahaha!"

Lupin: *growls*

Sirius: "Here Moony, mate, have some cappuccino."

Lupin: "Isn't that coffee?"

Sirius: "No, it's basically a bunch of sugar with the name cappuccino added onto it."

Lupin: "Cool."

Me: "Don't do it, Lupin. You're my only hope!"

Lupin: *drinks latte in slow-motion*

Me: "Noooooooooooooooooo! My only hope! Wait, Guy, what do you think of this?"

Guy: *eye twitches*

Me: "Guy?"

Guy: *mouth opens*

Me: "Er . . . Guy?"

Guy: "Sirius, I thought we were friends. You don't even like almonds, anymore?"

Sirius: "Nope."

Guy: What about you, Oldman?"

Oldman: "Nope, I never really liked almonds in the first place."

Guy: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have never been more insulted in my life, I thought we were friends Sirius, but now I see that I am mistaken."

Snape: "How could you be so insensitive, Sirius?"

Harry: "You should talk! You're insensitive to me every day."

Sirius: "Plus, you killed Dumbledore, and that's the epitome of insensitiveness."

Snape: "I did _not _kill Dumbledore!"

James: "But you _did _Snivellus."

Snape: "_Don't _call me that, Black."

Sirius: "Wait a sec, _I'm _Black."

James: "And _I'm _Potter."

Snape: "Stupid typos. _Don't _call me that, Potter."

James: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivelly."

Snape: *screech*

Me: "What's that?"

Lupin: "A bat."

Me: "Whoa, Snape's a vampire?"

Lupin: "Yeah. Jo dropped a bunch of hints about it throughout the books. Wasn't it kind of obvious?"

Me: "Not really."

Sirius: *barks*

James: *changes into a stag and I'm not sure what sound a stag makes*

The three start fighting and there are a bunch of random animal noises.

Lupin: *rolls eyes* "This is really getting annoying."

Hermione: "Then why don't you stop it? That's what a good prefect would do."

Lupin: "Because I'm wallowing in passivity and self-doubt." *wails*

Me: "Whoa, and you told me to stop wallowing in my self-pity?"

Lupin: *sniff* "Because I didn't want you to make the same mistake as me, Liz."

Me: "Whatever, I'll save my emotional upheaval at this statement for another time."

Hermione: "Why are there elephant trumpeting noises coming from those three's fighting when none of them is an elephant?"

Dumbledore: "Because that's what happens in cartoons, it shows that there is a lot of fighting going on."

Me: "I was going to say that it was random noises because that's the title of this fic, but that explanation makes more sense."

Harry: "But this isn't a cartoon, Professor."

Dumbledore: *sigh* "I know, Harry, but that's what Liz decided to do, so that we could have yet another pointless discussion about this before we get to the real point."

Hermione: "And then we'll have a few other pointless discussions during our discussion of the point and a pointless ending."

Me: "What? You guys think I _enjoy _when you do this?"

All: "Yes."

Me: "Alright, I do, but it's for the benefit of the readers. I mean, they can't just have a dry and dull conversation without randomness in it. Everyone needs randomness in their life!"

Sammy: "Plus, no one would read it."

Chuck: "Corporate England, once more."

Sammy: "Well, corporate America in your case."

Chuck: "No offense."

Me: "None taken."

Hermione: "So basically, you put in random scenes to get people to read this?"

Me: "Yeah, basically. But this also leads to the point."

Victoria: "That being?"

Me: "The Marauders and Snape becoming friends."

James, Sirius, and Snape: "WHAT?!"

Lily: "I think that's a great idea, Liz."

Me: "A voice of reason. Yay!"

James: "Lily, how can you think that? This is Snivellus, Snivelly, Severus Snape, the slimy, greasy-haired git who we went to Hogwarts with."

Sirius: "And now, Liz, being the crazy person that she is, is asking us to become _friends _with him!"

Me: "Well, maybe I wouldn't be so crazy if I didn't have _you _in my head, Sirius."

Sirius: "Shut up."

Me: "No, _you _shut up."

Sirius: "No, _you _shut up."

Snape: "Shut up, both of you and let me make a point! Liz, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

Lily: "It makes sense, Severus."

James: "Since when have you called Snape, Severus, Lily?"

Lily: *blushes* "Well, er. . . ."

Snape: "Shut up, you filthy Mudblood."

Lily: "Well, it does, Severus. And as an added bonus, if you become friends, that way you would be nicer to Harry when he came to Hogwarts. It could change the future!"

Snape: "Yet another reason for me not to like it."

Lupin: "I like the idea, too."

Me: "Yay! Another voice of reason."

James: "Moony, you're crazy. I am _not _going to become friends with Snivellus."

Me: "How about acquaintances that put up with each other? That's what is says in the summary."

James: "Not even that."

Sirius: "No way, Jose."

Snape: "Once again, Liz, you are out of your mind."

Me:_ Hmm . . . wait a sec, intelligent thought. _ "Hey, you guys can be two people, the teenage you and the adult you. Plus, Sirius can be _three _people. That would satisfy your pathological need for attention, wouldn't it?"

Oldman: "Wait, can't _I _be a teenager, too? That way Sirius can be _four _people."

Me: "No, because I don't know what you were like as a teenager and I don't want to make you sound dumb."

James: "And you _definitely _haven't done that already."

Me: "Yeah, I . . . wait, that's sarcasm, isn't it?"

Sirius: "Bit slow, today?"

Me: "Yes, I _am _a bit slow, today, Sirius Lee Black! My brain has just been melted and is spewing out my ears from the Math state-testing and MY BRAIN HURTS!!! IT BURNS TO THINK OF MY BRAIN HURTING! IT BURNS TO THINK OF _ANYTHING! _Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Harry: "Whoa, you must really hate it."

Me: "YES, I DO! WHOEVER INVENTED THE STATE-TESTING SHOULD DIE A _VERY _PAINFUL DEATH, INVOLVING STARVING BLAST-ENDED SKREWTS AND A THREE-HEADED DOG!"

Sirius: "Oh, so you just want to relax and do something totally mindless, such as writing this fic."

Me: "Basically, but it's kind of hard when you guys are forcing me to think after my brain's been thoroughly fried by pointless questions, that we'll never, _ever _use in the 'real world.'"

Lupin: "Like what?"

Me: "Great, now you're asking me for examples. Can't you people see that my brain has just been fried?"

James: "Oh, just wallow in your self-pity some more, Liz. We'd all _love _to hear it."

Me: "STOP IT! It's too hard to realize whether you're being sarcastic or not. My brain is literally _thumping _with trying to."

Lupin: "Well, then give us an example."

Guy: "I used to be a lawyer. I could help you with your case against state-testing. In fact, why don't you make a petition against it at your school?"

Me: "No, I'm too busy wallowing, wallow, wallow, wallow. Whoa, try saying that five times fast."

Fred: "Hey, that's _our _line."

George: "We say it when McGonagall's giving the Gryffindors dance lessons in _Goblet of Fire_."

Fred: "Except it's something else. . . ."

George: "That we can't remember."

Me: *rolls eyes* "Hey, I think that my brain is un-melting."

Hermione: "You mean solidifying?"

Me: "Whatever, my brain is un-melting, I'm getting smarter. Yay!"

James: "Or as smart as you can get in this fic."

Sirius: "Which is for geniuses only. Sorry, idiots out there who are reading this."

Me: "Ah, ha! _That _is sarcasm. I'm getting smarter by the minute, in fact, by the second, no the millisecond, no, the thingy that's even shorter than a millisecond!"

Hermione: *rolls eyes*

Me: "In fact, I think I'm smart enough to give an example of a pointless problem, right now!"

Guy: "So. . . .?"

Me: "Hmm, oh, yeah, this one has _no _relevance to everyday life whatsoever, and I think that the people just put it there because they enjoy torturing high school juniors."

Lupin: "Stop wallowing and tell us already!"

Me: "Okay, fine, I was just trying to build the suspense."  
Hermione: "Suspense?"

Me: "Okay, the pointlessness so that the people reading this get excited."

Sirius: "Excited?"

Me: "Okay, I can't think of the right word! I'll just tell you the problem."

James: "_Finally._"

Me: "It's a spinner game that has these two girls - Carol and Alba – playing it at the fair and you have to multiply the numbers you got from the two spinners and if they equal between 10 and 50, you get a stuffed animal or whatever."

Harry: "How is that irrelevant?"

Me: "YOU DON'T REALIZE IT?!"

Harry: "Er . . . no."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhh! First of all, who would name their daughter, Alba? ALBA?! That is one of the ugliest names I have ever heard in my life, it sounds like Alpha. You might as well call her Wolf!"

Lupin: "And do you have something against wolves?"

Ginny: "I'm surprised at you, Liz, you were the founder of SPHW, too, and now you're prejudiced against wolves?"

Me: "I have _nothing _against wolves! But the name Alba is _so _weird!"

Sirius: "If you're trying to make a point, Liz, it's not working."

Me: "I'm not finished. Second of all, why would these two play a game where you have to do math? Why didn't they just play something else, so I didn't have to do the stupid problem?"

Harry: "Er. . . ."

Me: "Because they enjoy torturing us, that's why. These Carol and Alba girls must be working for the Superintendent of Schools to create pointless questions about the probability of a spinner!"

Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Me: "Thank you, Moody. And what type of idiots would have a discussion about whether the probability they would win a prize was fifty percent or higher in the game?"

Harry: "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Dumbledore: "Yes, a question that's not meant to be answered."

Me: "GET OUT, DUMBLEDORE! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WALLOWING?"

Sirius: "Ah, so you admit it."

Me: "Yes, I am wallowing."

Dumbledore: "Why?"

Me: "Because of the EVIL STATE-TESTING!"

Harry: "Ha, ha, _I _don't have to do state-testing."

Dumbledore: "Yes, you do Harry. You only answered Question One on it, though."

Me: "HA!"

Harry: "No . . . er, that was Malfoy's test."

Dumbledore: "Draco!"

Draco: "Yes, Professor?"

Dumbledore: "You did not finish your state testing. Now, the school governors will think that I don't teach you properly!" *wails*

Hermione: "But I thought you went off and got a Muggle job."

Dumbledore: "I'm still looking, but everyone _still _thinks I'm too strange. But I will persevere!"

Voldemort: "There is still hope!"

Dad: "There is _always _hope."

Dumbledore: "I am _not _overdramatic!" *runs after Dad with a frying pan*

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Me: "And do you know what the seniors did while I was forced to do pointless problems about kids named Carol and Alba?"

Lupin: *groan* "You mean that interruption didn't stop you in your wallowing?"

Me: "No, and I am _not _wallowing now. I'm making a point."

Sirius: *mumbles* "Are too."

Me: "Shut up, Sirius. And do you know what the seniors watched?"

James: "No, we don't, but, more importantly, do we care?"

Me: "_Yes_, you do!"

Sirius: "You're right, Liz, we do care. We really care about your corrupt and unjust high-school, so go ahead and wallow all you want."

Me: "Sirius, I knew you cared!"

Sirius: *face-palm*

Me: "Oh . . . that was sarcasm, wasn't it?"

Sirius: "Bit slow?"

Me: "STOP IT! MY BRAIN IS BURNING AGAIN!"

Lupin: "So, can you get on with the point, because now we're really off topic and you'll end up making this chapter even longer than the last one."

Me: *pouts* "Insensitive jerk."

Lupin: "You're wallowing again."

Me: "Are not."

Lupin: "Are too."

Me: "Are not."

Lupin: "Are too."

Me: *pouts and scowls* "Fine. Now I won't tell you _why _I'm wallowing."

Lupin: "I already know why, anyway."

Me: *rolls eyes* "What, then?"

Lupin: "You're wallowing because you were stuck in a classroom with a bunch of other miserable and wallowing juniors while the seniors watched _Goblet of Fire_."

Me: "How did you. . . .?"

Lupin: "I was in your mind when you were talking to your mom on the phone and when you were IM-ing your friend about your corrupt and unjust high school. And I do not like the wallowing werewolf."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Can't I have a moment's privacy?"

Sirius: "No."

Me: "GET OUT!" fjkdfjkly984739743rujelfjdd3j4$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$43j437r837483urf $j3rj3krjekjrkejfkd789738473438478374ffjakejkj$$$$$$$$$4434221jk4j3 *whispers* "Are you still there?"

Sirius: "Hi!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Someone pity me, I'm wallowing."

James: "So you admit it!"

Me: *moan* "Yes."

James: "Whoa, that actually makes me pity you, Liz."

Lupin: "How can you pity her when she's wallowing?"

Snape: "I can't believe you could be so insensitive, Lupin! I pity you too, Liz."

Lupin: "Er . . . guys?"

Sirius: "Quiet, Lupin. Can't you see Liz is wallowing and we're _trying _to pity her."

Lupin: "Not you, too!"

Lily: "Oh, my God, you three actually agreed on something!"

James, Sirius, and Snape: "No, we didn't."

Lily: "Yes, you did."

James, Sirius, and Snape: "No, we didn't."

Lily: "Yes, you did."

Lupin: "You should change to your teenage selves, now. You want to be more people, don't you?"

Sirius: "YES!"

Lupin: "Well, then do it."

James, Sirius, and Snape: *sigh* "Fine."

Snape: *mumbles* "I still say Liz is out of her mind, though."

They change to their teenage selves.

Me: "You, too Lupin, and you, Lily."

Lupin: "Aww, but I don't even hate Snivellus that much."

Me: "You just called him Snivellus instead of Snape, so you obviously hate him somewhat."

Lupin: *pouts* "But in _Half-Blood Prince _I told Harry that I put up with him."

Me: "Well, in your case we'll try and make you friends."

Lupin: *pouts again* "Aww."

Lily: "Why don't you want to be a teenager, Moony? I'm sexy as a teenager."

Lupin: *sigh* "Yeah, but _I'm _not. No girls liked me or anything, at least now I have Tonks." *sighs again*

Me: "You're wallowing."

Lupin: "Are not."

Me: "Are too."

Lupin: "Are not."

Me: "Are too."

Tonks: "What's happening, you two?"

Lupin: "Liz is making the other Marauders, Snape, Lily, and I change to our teenage selves so that we can become acquaintances that put up with each other."

Tonks: "What? Are you crazy, Liz?"

Me: "Yes. If you read the intro, you'd know that."

Tonks: "Well, this isn't fair, you're getting rid of my darling Lupin just before we're about to be married."

Me: "Fine. I'll make you a deal, I'll have the adult selves still be around and you can be married with the adult self."

Tonks: "Good enough."

Lupin: "Why is it that I'm not even being asked about this?"

Lily: "Because women have the brains, so change Lupin."

Lupin: "No!"

Lily: "Think of it this way, Lupin. At least you weren't as ugly as Peter at Hogwarts."

Peter: "No one loves me!" *wails*

Me: "What about Cho?"

Peter: *sniff* "She went on a trip to Bulgaria."

Me: "To do what?"

Peter: "See Viktor Krum."

Hermione: "WHAT?" *runs off to Bulgaria*

Ron: "I thought my sweet Hermy was in love with _me_."

Me: *face-palm* "Did you just take the state-testing or something, Ron?"

Ron: "Yes, as a matter of fact."

Gabrielle: "Oh, so you don't realize I'm your girlfriend now."

Ron: "Oh, yeah, the part-veela girl."

Rosmerta: "Wait, I thought you were in love with me, Ron. We made out and everything. Plus, I loved that joke you told."

Dad: "And I thought we were going steady, Gabrielle."

Me: "Forget the fact that you're way too old for her."

Ron: "What?"

Gabrielle: "What?"

They each slap each other then run off, wailing.

Me: "Wow, the relationships sure are going fast in this fic. Usually, they last for the whole fic."

Lupin: "Yeah, it went from Harry-Hermione and Ron-Victoria to Harry-Victoria and Ron-Hermione, then to Ron-Gabrielle and Hermione-Viktor, and then to Ron-Rosmerta and Dad-Gabrielle along with all those other random ones like Peter-Cho and Guy-Muggle Girl."

Me: "Hey, that's a spoiler for a future chapter!"

Lupin: "Well, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean, we haven't heard from those two for a few chapters now and Guy ran off to 'comfort' Muggle Girl."

Me: "Hey, you're right."

Lupin: "Of course, I am. Hey, how about we have a conversation about how smart Remus J. Lupin is instead of making me turn into a teenager?"

Me: "No. That pointless and plot-point revealing conversation was for the benefit of the readers."

Lupin: *sigh*

Me: "So change!"

Lupin and Lily change into teenagers.

Teenage James: "Wait, what about Peter?"

Me: "Oh, yeah. Peter, you too."

Peter: "Don't want to!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Ow, now I have a headache."

Peter: "Ha!" *stomps feet a lot*

Me: "OW! God, I have a splitting headache, now!"

Peter: "Ha, ha!"

Teenage Lily: "Peter, stop it or I'll hex you."

Peter: "_I'm _older."

Teenage Lily: "So? I'm still better at magic than you'll ever be."

Teenage Lupin: *reminiscent sigh* "Ah, she's so hot when she threatens people like that."

Teenage James: "Are you moving in on my girl, Lupin?"

James: "Because she's my wife, you know."

Teenage James: "What? You mean we get married? YES!"

James: "Uh, yeah, and we have a son."

Teenage James: "Cool!"

Harry: "Hi, teenage Dad."

Teenage James: "What? My son's name is Harry? _Harry?_ What kind of weird name is Harry? It's so dull!"

Harry: "What would you have named me, then?"

Teenage James: "Something cool like, like . . . Reginald!"

Harry: "Reginald?"

James: "Reginald?"

Me: "Reginald Potter?"

Teenage James: "Yup."

Reginald: "That's a great name, teenage Dad!"

Harry: "Who are you?"

Reginald: "I'm Reginald, the son your teen Dad wishes he had."

Harry: "No one loves me!"

Teenage Sirius: "Basically."

Harry: "NO!" *runs out wailing*

Teenage Snape: "There we go with the insensitivity again, Black."

Teenage James: "Wasn't _I _insensitive?"

Teenage Snape: "Yes, even more so, in fact."

Teenage James: "YES! I was more insensitive than you, Padfoot!"

Teenage Sirius: "Oh, yeah?"

Teenage James: "Yeah!"

Teenage Sirius: "Oh, yeah?"

Teenage James: "Yeah!"

Teenage Lily: "Stop being so immature, you two."

Teenage James: "We're teenagers, Evans. We can be immature if we want."

Teenage Lupin: "And are you saying all teenagers are immature?"

Teenage James: "Yeah, basically."

Teenage Lupin: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Victoria: "This is going well."

Me: "Stop it, Victoria. I can't deal with your sarcasm, right now."

Victoria: "You can _never _deal with sarcasm."

Me: "Are you insulting me?"

Victoria: "Yeah, basically."

Me: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *just wails because I can't run away from these people*

Dumbledore: "Why did you just use the same two sentences within a few lines of each other?"

Me: "Because I'm always repetitive like that."

Dumbledore: "Well, maybe you should make this more intellectual."

Sirius: "It's much too late, now."

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, this has been un-intellectual since the first chapter."

Sirius: "Since before the first chapter, even. When Liz first wrote the title of this, it was un-intellectual!"

Teenage Sirius: "_No_, when Liz first got the _idea _for this, it was un-intellectual."

Me: "You know, I'm right here, guys, and I can hear you insulting my writing."

Lupin: "It's constructive criticism, Liz."

Me: "Stop it, Lupin, I'm trying to wallow in anger at their criticism."

Sirius: "_Constructive _criticism."

Me: "It is not 'constructive.' It's insulting me as a writer and this fic which you guys are in."

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, because you put us in it."

Me: _God, I hate having two Sirius's to deal with, it's hard enough with just him._

Oldman: "What about me? Don't I count?"

Me: "No, you're just the actor."

Oldman: "Oh, so now I'm 'just the actor'? What about all the things I've done for you?"

Me: "You didn't really _do _anything. You just created further problems in Chapter 9 when you and Sirius wanted to be two separate people."

Thewlis: "Yeah, but he also made it interesting to the readers, so stop wallowing, Liz."

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Not you too, Lupin. I have enough to deal with right now."

Lupin: "Like what?"

Me: "Like you getting married and the Marauders and Snape becoming friends which we _still _haven't gotten to, _and _how to pronounce Garelick."

James: "That was last chapter, Liz."

Sirius: "Plus, you don't have to deal with Lupin getting married. That's an automatic thing."

Me: "No, I _must _do it."

Teenage James: "I think the stress is getting to you a bit."

Teenage Sirius: "So why don't you let us take over for a bit?"

Me: "No thanks." _Not in my wildest dreams!_

Teenage Lupin: "Why are you so reluctant about this?"

Me: "Because with you guys in charge, this thing would be purely pointless and we would never get to a point."

Teenage Sirius: "Like this?"

Me: "No, not like this! _This _has a point, if you would just let me get to it!"

Sirius: "We are, you're choosing to have this conversation."

Me: "No, I'm not. You guys are leading me into it."

Sirius: "Yes, you are."

Me: "No, I'm not."

Sirius: "Yes, you are!"

Me: "No, I'm not!"

Teenage Lily: "You know, you two are really immature."

Me: "Well, I'm just trying to get him to agree with me."

Teenage Lily: "Well, why don't you be the responsible one and walk away?"

Me: "_He _started it."

Teenage Lupin: "And I won't even mention how immature that was."

Me: "Hey, I'm a teenager. You guys are adults in the bodies of teenagers, so you have more maturity."

Sirius: "Ah, so you admit you're acting immature."

Me: "No, I don't. I was _not _being immature. I am simply trying to make a point to you thick-headed idiots."

All: "We aren't thick-headed!"

Hermione: "Especially me!"

Me: *sigh* "Okay, besides Hermione, you're all immature, thick-headed idiots."

Hermione: "Much better."

All Besides Hermione: "Are not!"

Me: "Are too!"

All Besides Hermione: "Are not!"

Me: "Are too!"

Teenage Snape: "SILENCE!"

All: *gape*

Snape: "Everybody please _don't panic_."

Dumbledore: "That's _my _line, Severus."

Teenage Sirius: "Shut up, Dumbledore."

Teenage James: "Snape said it this time."

Teenage Lupin: "And for good reason."

Fluffy: "ME!"

Me: "Get out, Fluffy!"

Fluffy: *sigh* "Insensitive jerk."

Dumbledore: "Is it Fluffy?"

Fluffy: "No, it's something much worse."

Dumbledore: "What? What is it?"

Teenage Sirius: "It's. . . ."

Teenage James: "Er. . . ."

Teenage Lupin: "Just look."

Dumbledore: *looks at Teenage Snape* "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: "What is it? I can't see."

Dumbledore: "You don't want to know."

Me: "Yeah, I don't, but the readers probably want to, I've kept them in suspense for too long, and they are probably clamoring to know what's wrong with Teenage Snape."

Dumbledore: *gulp*

Harry: "Oh, my God! It's Teenage Snape in a Speedo!"

Me: *sees a mental image of . . . that* "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror! It burns, it burns!"

Teenage Lupin: "How could you write this in, Liz? Little innocent kids who read this are going to have nightmares now."

Teenage Snape: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!"

Snape: "Yes, you have. What about when Potter and his friends humiliated you in fifth year?"

Teenage Snape: "You're right, I was scarred for life by that encounter. I actually have a scar on my left buttock from that. Want to see?"

All: "NO!"

Me: "Okay, there's unwanted information."

Ron: "Ha, ha, I have a scar on my butt from an alligator."

Teenage Snape: "Awesome!"

Ron: "Want to see?"

Teenage Snape: "Sure!"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: "Okay, that's _even more_ unwanted information."

Ron: "How can you be so prejudiced against people with scars on their butt, Liz? What if _you _had a scar on your butt?"

Me: "Well, I wouldn't want people to see it and I wouldn't advertise it in public."

Ron: "I'm not advertising it."

Hermione: *face-palm*

Teenage Snape: "Wait, I know this weird guy who could probably advertise the scars on our butts."

Ron: "Dude, that's awesome."

Teenage Snape: "Let's go!"

James: "Wow, Snivellus. Your teenage self was _really _scary."

Snape: "Oh, come on, he isn't _that _bad."

James: "No."

Teenage James: "He's worse."

Snape: "Is not."

Sirius: "Is too."

Snape: "Is not."

Teenage Sirius: "Is too."

Me: "Shut up, Snape! Your teenage self is a VERY scary person and I'm going to have nightmares about him for the rest of my life!"

Snape: "Then why'd you write it in?"

Me: "I didn't. This was out of my control."

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Uh-huh. We all know that you like seeing Snape like that, Liz."

Me: "Yeah, right, Sirius. I know that _you _like him like that, you don't have to admit it, but don't blame it on me!"

Sirius: *gags*

Snape: "Well, actually, I look kind of good like that."

Teenage Marauders: "WHAT?!"

Me: *gags*

Teenage James: "Are you crazy, Snivellus?"

Teenage Snape: "NO!"

Teenage Sirius: "We all know _you're _crazy, but we're talking to the adult you."

Snape: "NO, I am _not _crazy!"

Teenage Lupin: "That was a rhetorical question."

Snape: "Oh."

Teenage James: *mumbles* "Idiot."

Teenage Snape: "I am _not _an idiot!"

Teenage Sirius: "We're talking to the adult you, Snape, but you're an idiot, too, don't worry."

Snape: "Are not!"

Teenage Sirius: "Are too!"

Snape: "Are not!"

Teenage James: "Are too!"

Teenage Lupin: "This is going well."

Me: "Shut up, Lupin."

Dad: "Oh, so you finally realize how bad Lupin really is."

Me: "No, we're just having a disagreement."

Dad: "A disagreement that will make him attack you because he's an EVIL WEREWOLF! Mwahaha!"

Me: "He wouldn't be able to attack me, Dad. He's in my mind, remember?"

Dad: "Well, he could attack your mind! Mwahaha!"

Teenage Lupin: "That doesn't even make sense."

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, an evil werewolf. I must kill it!" *runs after Lupin with ashtrays*

Teenage Lupin: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs out*

Teenage Lily: "You know, Liz, you're _really _going off on a tangent now and this chapter is going to be even longer than the last one."

Me: "It's you guys, not me."

Teenage Lily: "Still, you should have the power to overcome the pointlessness and make this have a point!" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "You're right. That's _really _inspirational. I will _do _something now, or at least try." Keyword - TRY.

Guy: "Don't just try, _do _something instead of just talking and dreaming about this fic having a point for dreams are just dreams; you have to actually _do _something to make your dreams come true." *heavenly music plays again*

Teenage Sirius: "Wow, that was beautiful."

Guy: "Thanks, I've been working on it." *heavenly music plays _yet again_*

Me: "Okay, that heavenly music is starting to annoy me. There wasn't even a reason for it that time."

Guy: "Yes, there was." *heavenly music plays _still more_*

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, stop it! No more heavenly music for this chapter. That's the second law of _Random Conversations_."

Guy: "See, you have _done _something!"

Teenage Sirius: "Aww, but I miss the heavenly music. It's so . . . so. . . ."

Guy: "Heavenly?"

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah!"

Me: *face-palm* "Okay, let's get started." *cracks knuckles and then winces* "Okay, Marauder people, I am going to do some weird psychology method now. I am going to show you some ink blots and you have to tell me what you see in them."

Dumbledore: "Actually, Miss Grass, I believe that that is called the Rorschordt Test."

Me: "Whatever, they're ink blots, so I call them ink blots. They don't need another name that's hard to pronounce. It's like Ostakievicz diamonds. Why don't they just call it the Diamond Store or something? Why do they have to have a name like . . . that?"

Teenage Lupin: "Liz, you're wallowing again."

Me: "I'm not finished, what about that college basketball coach - Kryshewski. It's pronounced a totally different way, in fact, it sounds like it begins with an S when it begins with a _K_! A _K_, goddamn it! The English language is _so _annoying sometimes."

Teenage Snape: "Are you done?"

Teenage Sirius: "So that we can get this over with."

Me: *mumbles* "Insensitive jerks."

Teenage Snape: "Excuse me, but _who _is being insensitive here? You're the one who made us change into our teenage selves in the first place."

Harry: "So? Liz isn't nearly as insensitive as _you_. You're insensitive to me every day!"

Teenage Sirius: "They've got a point, Snivellus."

Snape: "How many times do I have to say not to call me that?"

Teenage Sirius: "I was talking to the teenage you."

Teenage Snape: "So you stole my line! Insensitive jerk."

Snape: "That doesn't even make sense. We're the same person so you're basically calling yourself an insensitive jerk."

Teenage Snape: "Whatever. So I'll say _my _line now. How many times do I have to say not to call me that?"

Teenage Sirius: "Er . . . I don't know, quite a few. Liz, why don't you count it up?"

Me: "Nah, I'm too lazy to."

Teenage Snape: "But of course you don't care, you insensitive jerk."

Sirius: "No, I don't. And _don't _call me insensitive!"

Teenage James: "I thought you _liked _being called insensitive."

Teenage Sirius: "No, that was me."

Teenage Snape: "Oh, yeah. _You _were the insensitive jerk."

Teenage Sirius: "Yay! I said Harry was unloved!"

Reginald: "And I _am _loved. Yay!"

Harry: "NO!" *wails*

Teenage Sirius: "I'm more insensitive than you, Prongs."

Teenage James: "Are not, Padfoot."

Teenage Sirius: "Are too!"

Teenage James: "Are not!"

Me: *hits head on desk* "Why me?"

Teenage Lupin: "You're wallowing."

**A/N: **I apologize for my extreme dramatics/wallowing throughout this chapter. As you could probably tell, I wrote this chapter around the time of the state-testing and I was just in a bad mood in general. Thankfully, randomness is always there to cheer me (and you guys) up!

I also apologize if your name is Alba . . . and if you have nightmares about Teenage Snape. -shudder-


	11. Penguins in a Bathtub

**Disclaimer: **Alright, you guys already know I don't own Harry Potter. However, I _also _don't own Pokemon or random movies that are referenced in this chapter. You know, just in case you were confused. . . .

**A/N: **This chapter is dedicated to my brother (henceforth to be referred to as 'Brother') who I promised I would hook up with Hermione in this chapter.

**Chapter 11: Penguins in a Bathtub**

It is said by wise people that for a teenager to admit that their parents are right is the hardest thing in the world. This is true. I know you may be surprised that, as the weird person I am, I did not contradict this statement with something random. So, if you are hyperventilating or about to have a heart-attack, please relax, because I don't want to lose readers this early in the chapter.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, how hard it is for teenagers to admit their parents are right. You see, it is a hard thing, especially in this case. I hope you remember in Chapter 10, when I was having a disagreement with Teenage Lupin about how my plan to make the Marauders and Snape acquaintances who put up with each other was working well or not. Then, Dad came in and said that Lupin was an EVIL WEREWOLF and that he would attack my mind if I got him angry again. I dismissed it with my usual sarcastic statement, but for once, my deprived father was right!

You see, at the end of Chapter 10, Lupin told me I was wallowing (yet again), and I had an argument with him after the chapter ended about whether I was wallowing or not which I cut out, and you will understand _why _in a moment. After a while, I got so fed up with Lupin saying I was wallowing (when I was _not_!), that I threatened to write in an extremely painful death for him and that was a little too much for Lupin, so he got mad at me and . . . guess what? attacked my mind. Plus, there was a lot of violence and blood spillage (or describing of blood spillage by me), so if I had put it in, it would have had to be rated M, instead of T, and if I had rated it T, it would have been "inappropriate for class." Sorry, if you don't understand that part, it's an inside joke.

Dad: Ha! I _told _you he was an evil werewolf. Now you should join AWMBE!"

Me: *winces* "Ouch, don't shout. My brain is still tender."

Dad: "Well, werewolves _are _evil."

Lupin: "Are not."

Dad: "Are too."

Lupin: "Are not."

Greyback: "You're an idiot, Lupin. The point of werewolves is to be evil. Don't you understand physics?"

Dad: "Wait, are you an evil werewolf?" *suspenseful music plays*

Greyback: "Yup."

Dad: "But you don't like Lupin?"

Greyback: "Basically."

Dad: "AWESOME!"

Magorian: "Totally."

Greyback: "Hey, let's study PHYSICS together!"

Dad: "And destroy all almonds."

Greyback: "Plus, we can have pet moths!"

Dad: "You like moths?" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "No heavenly music, please! We had enough of that in the last chapter."

Dad: *sigh* "Fine." *music that isn't heavenly plays*

Greyback: "Yeah, I do like moths. I have a pet moth named Dustox."

Brother: "Oh, my God. You like Pokemon, too?"

Greyback: "Yeah! Did you capture Moltres?"

Brother: *sigh* "No, not yet."

Dumbledore: "_I _captured Moltres."

Fawkes: "No, you didn't, fool. I may be a phoenix, but my name isn't Moltres, it's Fawkes."

Dumbledore: "What about Bob?"

Me: "Bob?"

Fawkes: "Why would my name be Bob?"

Dumbledore: "Larry? Steve?"

Fawkes: "Okay, this is just getting stupid, I'm leaving."

Dumbledore: *sigh* "Fine. I'll capture Latios instead. Go, Torchic!" *Torchic appears*

Brother: "You think Torchic can defeat a strong Pokemon like Latios? It's _obvious _you should use Mightyena."

Greyback: "Yay for wolves!"

Dumbledore: "I don't have Mightyena. I only have bird-type Pokemon."

Greyback: "I do. Go, Mightyena!" *Mightyena appears*

Ash: "Are you challenging me?"

Greyback: "Yes, I'm the Pokemaster of the Magical Gym."

Misty: "The Magical Gym? Oh, no!"

Brock: "You have to beat Greyback, Ash, so you can be the best Pokemaster EVER!"

Me: _Does Greyback have ADD or something? He totally forgot about capturing Latios._

Lupin: "All werewolves have ADD, Liz."

Me: "One of the things that Jo forgot to mention?"

Lupin: "Wait, what did you say?"

Ash: "You're right. Go, Pikachu!" *Pikachu appears*

Misty: "Go, Staryu!" *Staryu appears*

Brock: "Go, Onyx!" *Onyx appears*

Brother: "Hey, you guys can't all challenge Greyback at once! That's not fair!"

Misty: "How about a three-on-three battle, then?"

All: "That works."

Brother: "Go, Zigzagoon!" *Zigzagoon appears*

Dumbledore: "Go, Bob!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

There is a very uncomfortable pause.

Dumbledore: *clears throat* "Go, Bob!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Fawkes: "My name is Fawkes, you idiot! And I'm not a Pokemon!"

Dumbledore: "Go, Fawkes!"

Fawkes: "Why do I even bother?" *Fawkes appears*

Me: "Now, what?"

Ash: "Now . . . we play."

Ron: "That's _my _line!"

Ash: "Who said so, pal? Charizard, attack him!" *Charizard runs after Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A Hungarian Horntail!" *runs away*

Hermione: "_That _is why I love you, Viktor. You're so sweet and brave."

Viktor: "I know, my sweet Hermy-own-ninny."

Cho: "What about _me_, Vicky?"

Viktor: "Um . . . twenty-four!"

Hermione: "What?! You like Cho, _still_?! I hate you!" *slaps Viktor and storms out*

Brother: "Yes, Hermione is single now! Yes! Oh, Liz. . . ."

Me: *sigh* "I _know_, Keenan, but you're going to have to give me ten dollars for this."

Brother: "What, ten dollars? Why not nine dollars?"

Me: "Why did you go down one dollar?"

Brother: "It's from _Full House_. I love that show!"

Me: *face-palm*

Misty: "Um . . . can we battle now?"

Ash: "So that I can defeat Greyback, the Magical Gym leader and be the best Pokemaster there ever was!" *the Pokemon theme song plays*

Greyback: "Don't bet on it. Mightyena, attack!" *Mightyena attacks*

There are roars and random sounds of attacking. To those of you expecting a big action scene, I'm sorry, because I can't write big action scenes, I'm VERY bad at it.

Dumbledore: "Larry is victorious!"

Fawkes: "It's Fawkes, you idiot!"

Dumbledore: "I am _not _an idiot! This is just the way Liz depicted me!"

Me: "Yeah! Wait a sec . . . did I just support Dumbledore when I want the people to be intellectual? I'm confused now!"

Sirius: "And we all know that it doesn't take much to do that!"

Brother: *laughs* "Good one, Sirius."

Me: "Shut up, both of you! You're _so _annoying!"

Brother: "Ha, ha!"

Me: "And Brother, if you don't shut up, I won't hook you up with Hermione!"

Brother: "Well, it isn't _my _fault that you made Dumbledore an idiot in this chapter."

Me: "Yes, it is."

Brother: "No, it isn't."

Me: "Yes, it is."

Brother: "No, it isn't."

Lupin: *sigh* "You guys are as bad as us and Snape. Liz, _why _is it Keenan's fault?"

Me: "No psychology, please!"

James: "You did it enough on us."

Lupin: "So. . . .?"

Me: *sigh* "It's the third law of _Random Conversations_. When Keenan is in the story, Dumbledore must act like an idiot, otherwise, the chapter will be pointless."

Lupin: "_All _the chapters have been pointless."

Sirius: "And that law doesn't even make sense."

Me: "Does anything in this fic make sense? Does the world make sense? Does _life _make sense?"

Sirius: "You're going all philosophical on me, Liz. Stop it!"

Me: "Who's confused _now_, Sirius Lee Black? Hmm?"

Sirius: "Well, it isn't my fault that I had to take the state-testing."

Me: "Why did you have to take the state-testing? You're not even in school!"

Sirius: "Dumbledore made me do it for Draco when he was still smart."

Draco: "Are you calling me stupid?"

Sirius: "No, I'm talking about Dumbledore."

Crabbe: "But you _are _pretty stupid, Draco."

Goyle: *snort* "Yeah, even stupider than us."

Draco: "Why me? Why, why, why?"

Dumbledore: "I'm not stupid though, either!"

Fawkes: "Sure you aren't."

Dumbledore: "Shut up, Steve."

Fawkes: *sigh*

Aberforth: "There has to be some way to cure this stupidity."

Lupin: "There is!"

Fawkes: "Let me guess, more extensive reading?"

Lupin: "Well, yes."

Aberforth: "Red balloons won't work."

Lupin: "How'd you know what I was thinking?"

Aberforth: "Because I am Aberforth!" *fanfare of trumpets*

Dumbledore: "Hey, that's _my _catchphrase!"

Aberforth: "Well, now it's _mine_! Mwahaha!"

Dumbledore: "Er . . . goats?"

Brother: "I know!"

Hermione: "What?"

Brother: *drools*

Hermione: "Keenan? What is it?"

Brother: "Ha, ha, ha." *drools again*

Me: "Brother, snap out of it!" *hits Brother on the back of the head*

Brother: "Ow!"

Hermione: "What?"

Brother: "Oh, my sweet Hermione, Aberforth and Dumbledore have somehow switched brains due to a Switching Spell, that is why Dumbledore is talking about goats, because Aberforth performed illegal charms on a goat which was revealed in _Goblet of Fire, Rita Skeeter's Scoop_. So, all we have to do is do another Switching Spell on them!"

Hermione: "You're so smart. How'd you know that?"

Brother: "Um. . . ." *whispers into a microphone* "Muggle Girl, how did I know that?"

Muggle Girl: "Er . . . the power of almonds!"

Guy: "YAY, ALMONDS!"

Muggle Girl: "YAY, ALMONDS!"

Brother: "Er . . . the power of almonds?"

Hermione: "You got that from Guy and Muggle Girl, didn't you?"

Brother: "Well, yeah_._"

Hermione: "What? I can't believe you, Brother! I thought you liked me, but now I can see that you're in love with Muggle Girl!"

Brother: "Wait, what?!"

Guy: "You're in love with Muggle Girl? No way, she's mine!"

Muggle Girl: "Ew, Brother's in love with me?! Ew!" *runs out wailing*

Guy: "I hate you, Brother!" *smacks Brother and runs after Muggle Girl*

Hermione: "I hate you, too, Brother!" *smacks Brother and wails*

Brother: "No one loves me!"

Ron: "Want a donut?" *hands Brother a donut* "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away from Charizard*

Brother: "Sure!" *starts playing with the donut*

Doughnut (Hermione): "Oh, I love you Keenan!"

Brother: -starts kissing donut-

Doughnut: "Why are you kissing me? I'm taken!" *rolls away with guy donut*

Brother: *wails* "No one loves me!"

Peter: "No one loves me either!"

Me: "Yup."

Dumbledore: "What's happening? Goats!"

Aberforth: *moans* "Can someone perform the Switching Spell, _please_?"

Hermione: "Took you a while to ask." *performs the Switching Spell*

Aberforth: "Bob, you're back!"

Fawkes: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *flies off*

Dumbledore: "I'm smart again! Yay!"

Neville: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my ears are on a cactus!"

Luna: "It's better than having your ears be kumquats, isn't it?"

Neville: "I guess."

Luna: "But I'm hungry for a kumquat, so I'll turn your ears into them." *turns Neville's ears into kumquats* "Yum!"

Neville: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs out*

Me: "What was that unnecessary interruption about?"

Dumbledore: "_You _wrote it in."

Draco: "Dumby's right, you know."

Dumbledore: "Don't call me Dumby!"

Brother: "Stop, Dumbledore, you're my only hope!"

Dumbledore: "What are you talking about?"

Brother: "You, mini-man. Taking on the jellies, you have serious thrill issues, dude."

Me: "Why are you quoting from _Finding Nemo_?"

Brother: "It's awesome, dude!"

Magorian: "Totally." *plays the guitar*

Oldman: "Remember, the debut of _Totally Magorian _is next chapter!"

Random English Teacher: "A narrative hook, yay!"

Me: "What are you doing here, ? Hey, why can't I say your name?"

Random English Teacher: "Security issues, Miss Grass."

Me: "Whatever."

Brother: "Stop going off on tangents, I need to get back together with Hermione!"

Me: "As if you don't."

Sirius: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Hey, why are you sticking up for Brother?"

Sirius: "Because we both annoy you and he's awesome."

Brother: "Ha, ha!"

Me: "Is that the only line you say when you're with Sirius?"

Brother: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Or that."

Brother: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Urgh!"

Sirius: "Hey, let's form an Annoy Liz Club!"

Brother: "Yeah. Ha, ha!"

Me: "What was your reason for saying 'Ha, ha!' that time?"

Brother: "I don't know."

Me: *roll eyes* "Now, I just won't hook you up with Hermione, because you're being so annoying."

Brother: "You can't hold _that _over me anymore, Liz."

Dumbledore: "_I _have the power now! Mwahaha!"

Aberforth: "Goats! I want to marry a goat!"

Peter: "Well, too bad, bud. _I'm _marrying a goat because I want it to share my medical benefits, whereas, _you _do not have medical benefits for your goat wife to share. All you do is run a smelly pub in Hogsmeade."

Goat: "No, I love Aberforth and I will help him get medical benefits!" *runs off with Aberforth*

Peter: "NO!!! No one loves me!"

Fleur: "_I _love you, Peter."

Peter: "Yay! I love you too, Fleur, my flower." *whispers* "That's what Fleur means in French."

Me: _See, this is educational, for all you teachers out there!_

Cho: "Hey!"

Peter: "That's what you get, Cho!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Ow, stupid foot-stompers."

Brother: "No more tangents, _please_. I need to hook up with Hermione!"

Ron: "No way! Hermy is _mine_!"

Rosmerta: "But what about _me_, Ron?"

Ron: "Um. . . ."

Charizard: "Come back here, you!"

Ron: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" *runs out*

Brother: "Ha, ha!"

Sirius: "Hey, _I _had to say something before you can say, 'Ha, ha!'."

Brother: "Well, that's the fourth law of _Random Conversations_."

Me: "What new law _now_?"

Brother: "Freedom of speech! Blah, blah, blah! I can say what I want!"

Guy: "Freedom of speech is awesome!"

Firenze: "Dude."

Parvati: *romantic sigh* "He's _so _dreamy."

Hermione: "He's a horse."

Parvati: "A centaur, which is a big difference. Centaurs are part human and part horse, _beautiful _horse."

Umbridge: "They are half-breeds!"

Herd of Random Centaurs: "We are not half-breeds, toad-woman!"

Hagrid: "And I'm not either!" *turns Umbridge into a half-toad, half-kumquat with his pink umbrella*

Luna: "Mmm, kumquats!"

Umbridge: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *hops away*

Rita: "Wow, the half-breed just changed a Ministry of Magic representative into a toad! Wasn't he expelled and isn't supposed to have his wand? I can see the headline now: **Rubeus Hagrid, Violent Half-Giant of Hogwarts Does Magic.**"

Bozo: "Loving it, Rita!"

Muggle Girl: "_And _for newspaper ethics! Hagrid isn't violent, he's a kind, loving half-giant man."

Rita: "Is he like a father substitute for you, Muggle Girl?"

Muggle Girl: "Father substitute? He isn't even my father!"

Rita: "Say whatever you want if it makes you feel better." *mumbles* "Headline: **Rubeus Hagrid-Father to a Muggle Child?**."

Muggle Girl: "Urgh! You horrible, unscrupulous woman! You have no ethics!"

Guy: "Yeah, you should read _our _newspaper that I generated on my computer!"

Me: "You guys write a newspaper?"

Guy: "Yeah, it's really great. It's called _Random Conversations Quarterly_."

Random English Teacher: "And I do the editing."

Me: "Er. . . ."

Lupin: "Sounds good."

Brother: "Wait, I have just had this great idea!"

Dumbledore: "What?"

Brother: "Why don't Guy and Muggle Girl write something for Hermione, like a romantic poem or something that I can give to her?"

Guy: "I don't write poetry, but I am a romantic at heart!"

Muggle Girl: "Oh, Guy!" *swoons*

Guy: "For you, my dear!" *gives Muggle Girl a diamond ring*

Muggle Girl: "Oh!"

Guy and Muggle Girl walk off into the sunset.

Lily: "That was _so _sweet!"

Brother: *pouts* "Why can't I do that with Hermione?"

Me: "Brother, you want to do more than just that with Hermione."

Brother: "True."

Ginny: "I have an idea for a poem. How about, her eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad, her hair is as dark as a blackboard. . . ."

Harry: "Hey, that was a poem for _me _in _Chamber of Secrets_."

Victoria: *snaps at Harry* "Don't forget that you're married to me, Harry Potter!"  
Me: "And that doesn't even sound like it would be talking about Hermione."

Brother: "What if we dyed her hair black and put green contacts in her eyes?"

Harry: "And why didn't they do that for me? It clearly shows that I have blue eyes in the _Prisoner of Azkaban _movie. Blue eyes! Why couldn't they just put in green contacts, I ask you?"

Sirius: "Do not insult Cuaron's genius, Harry."

Brother: "Shut up, both of you. I need to get with Hermione by the end of this chapter!"

Hermione: "And why am I not being asked about this? I am not a prize to be won!"

Me: "Why are you quoting from _Aladdin_?"

Brother: "Leave her alone, Liz. She is quoting from _Aladdin _just as I quoted from _Finding Nemo_. Hey, 'Mione, how about we discuss Disney movies over a soda, or something?"

Hermione: "NO! I will not love someone who loves another! Especially if that person happens to be a Muggle!"

Guy: "I hate you, Brother! Muggle Girl is _mine_, mwahaha!" *smacks Keenan*

Hermione: "See?" *wails*

Brother: "But I _don't _love Muggle Girl!"

Hermione: *sniff* "And now you're a liar, too, Brother! I wouldn't marry you even if you were the last penguin on Earth!"

Brother: "I'm not a penguin, though."

Ron: "How do _you _know? Maybe you're a penguin that was Transfigured into a human!"

Greyback: "You know, that actually makes sense."

Me: "It does?"

Greyback: "It does if you understand physics!"

Me: "So I won't understand it. I don't study physics until next year."

Lupin: "Wait, I have an even better idea! Maybe Keenan and a penguin had a Switching Spell put on them, so that Keenan has a penguin's brain now!"

Me: "That would explain his stupidity."

Galadriel Waters: "And it would also explain why Lupin is James Potter!"

James: "What? That doesn't even make sense!"

Lupin: "Why would _I _be James?"

James: "And why would I be Lupin?"

Galadriel Waters: "It's kind of obvious, Jo's dropped a bunch of hints about it throughout the books."

Me: "Yeah, but she also put it on her website that James and Lupin did not use a Switching Spell."

James: "Yeah. I wouldn't just leave my wife and son to die!"

Harry: "I didn't die."

James: "Well, how was _I _supposed to know that? I thought that Voldemort would kill all of you."

Voldemort: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Harry dies.

Lily: "NO!"

James: "What can we do? There has to be some way to save him. Voldemort, how about you. . . .?"

Voldemort: "No, it has taken me forever to kill Harry and now he's dead. Mwahaha!" *disappears with a poof*

Victoria: "NO!"

Hermione: "I never told him how much he meant to me." *sniff*

Ron: "What?! But you're married to _me_, Hermione!"

Hermione: "Yeah, but we've been with a bunch of different people and Harry was still my first love."

Lupin: "Wait, I have an idea!"

Dumbledore: *sigh* "More extensive reading?"

Lupin: "Well, yeah."

Dumbledore: "It won't work."

Lupin: "How do you know?"

Dumbledore: "Because I am Dumbledore!" *fanfare of trumpets*

Lupin: "I know it will work though!"

Dumbledore: "How?"

Lupin: "Because I am Remus J. Lupin!" *another fanfare of trumpets*

Me: "Okay, that was kind of repetitive."

Sirius: "Everything in this is repetitive. Like all the lines that you have people say, like 'I've never been more insulted in my life!' is used a couple billion times."

Me: "Well, it's true for a lot of people."

Dad: "And a lot of the people who say it are just plain overdramatic."

Dumbledore: "I am _not _overdramatic!"

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs away with Dumbledore close behind*

James: "So what's your idea, Lupin?"

Lupin: "Okay, I got this from a joke book."

Sirius: "Is it, 'why did the chicken use the toilet?'."

Lupin: *sigh* "No. It's a joke about penguins in a bathtub."

Lily: "How will that make Harry alive?"

Lupin: "Isn't it obvious?"

Hermione: "Er . . . no."

Lupin: *sigh* "It's a hard joke to figure out so that Harry will be so overcome with trying to figure it out that he will become alive again, because his dead body wants to know the answer. Duh!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Lily: "Um. . . ."

Sirius: "Yeah. . . ."

James: "Okay. . . ."

Brother: "That's a great idea, Lupin!"

Lupin: "Thanks, Brother! So, there are three penguins in a bathtub, right? And the first penguin . . . he drops the soap and he asks the second penguin to pick it up. The second penguin says, 'what do I look like a radio, pal?,' and the third penguin says nothing." *laughs hysterically*

Sirius: "Ha, ha, ha! That is _so _funny!"

James: *whispers* "Do you even understand it?"

Sirius: "No, but I'm laughing to seem smart."

Me: _Even though you aren't?_

Sirius: "I heard that, Liz!"

Lily: "Um. . . ."

Lupin: "Don't you get it?"

Me: "I do! It's _so _funny!"

All: "Huh?"

Harry: "I don't get it!"

James: "Oh my God, it actually worked!"

Hermione: "My first love!" *gives Harry a passionate kiss*

Me: "That's _my _Harry!"

Brother: "Find a happy place, find a happy place!"

Hermione: "And the person who helped save my first love!"

Lupin: *blushes* "It was nothing, really. . . ."

Hermione: "Brother!" *gives Brother a passionate kiss*

Brother: "Ha, ha, ha!" *nearly faints*

Lupin: "But . . . but Brother didn't _do _anything! It's _me _you should be thanking." *mumbles* "Preferably in the same way."

Hermione: *sigh* "Duh, Lupin, I thought you were intelligent. Brother believed in you when no one else would. He is honest and kind and a great person altogether."

Ron: "Where's the real Hermy?"

Hermione: "This _is _me, Ronnie, only I'm with my true love, Brother, now!"

Brother: *drools*

Ron: "I can see why."

Hermione: "What? Do not be rude to him, Ron!" *tries to slap Ron but Ron ducks*

Ron: "Ha, ha, you missed me!"

Charizard: *blows fire at him*

Ron: "Ow!!!" *runs away with his butt steaming*

Hermione: "The battle is won, you may remove your helmet, Sir Brother."

Me: "What is it with all these quotes from movies? That's from _Shrek_."

Brother: "I don't _have _a helmet."

Hermione: "Oh, right, let's just go right to the kissing part, then."

Brother: *happy dance*

Brother and Hermione ride Charizard into the sunset.

Harry: "What's the answer to the penguin joke?"

Me: So much for a romantic ending.

Sirius: "You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up, Liz."

Lupin: "I will not tell you! That is only a secret for me to know! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Actually, I know, too."

Lupin: *sigh* "Thanks for ruining the dramatic effect, Liz. That is only a secret for Liz and I to know. Mwahaha!" *vanishes with a poof*

Harry: "NO!!!"

Lupin: "Well, it's probably going to be revealed in the footer notes, anyway."

Me: "Urgh! You just spoiled the dramatic effect, again!"

Sirius: "Dramatic effect?"

**A/N: **Only one more chapter! After that, I'd like to get the next chapter of _Distorted Reflections _up. I'm hitting that bloody writer's block again. :(

Also, if you would like to know the answer/point to the penguin joke, just PM me.


	12. Hippies

**Disclaimer: **Once again, I don't own any of the things I reference here, including _Pokemon_, _Invader Zim_, and _Totally Kyle_.

**A/N: **It's the last – and longest – chapter, people! Hope you enjoy it!

**Chapter 12: Hippies**

Hello to all of you people out there! This isn't Liz, this is Sirius Lee Black! Rejoice, rejoice that Liz the evil, obsessed Harry Potter person is dead!

Liz: "I'm not dead, Sirius. And why are you running _Random Conversations_?"

Me!: "Because I feel like it, that's why. Blah! Anyway, let me finish."

So . . . before I was so _rudely_ interrupted by Liz, I was telling you about myself. My name is Sirius Lee Black (get it, it's a pun! Siriusly Black). I am a hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, _very _hot guy! So, all you women out there should be glad to be reading this and if you could see me, you would melt at my feet from my hotness!

Liz: "Oh, please."

Me!: "Quiet, Liz."

So . . . I have my own fan club, too. It's called the Sirius Black Fan Club and it's really awesome. So far, it only has one member (that being me), but I will get more!!!

Lupin: "Doesn't that mean you're gay if you like yourself?"

Me!: "Why is everyone against me in this? I am trying to run _Random Conversations _and all of you people are interrupting me while I'm _trying _to do the introduction!"

Liz: "Remind you of anyone?"

Me!: "Er . . . no."

Liz: *face-palm*

Okay, once you guys leave me alone, we can get onto the story, but as you guys are being so annoying. . . .

Liz: "Once again, remind you of anyone?"

Me!: "No!"

Now, as I was saying, I have an official fan club with ME as the only member, but I will get more members, especially with all of you women out there reading this who will _love _me!!! I love me!

Lupin: "It's good that you have self-esteem, Sirius, but now you're acting _really _gay."

Liz: "Well, that's a rumor, isn't it? That Sirius is gay and that Remus is gay, too, and that they're both madly in love with each other. I mean, a ton of people write fanfics about it."

Tonks: "What? You're gay, Remus? I thought you loved me, but now you love Sirius?"

Lupin: "No, of course not. . . ."

Tonks: "You liar! I have never been more insulted in my life!" *slaps Lupin and runs out wailing*

Lupin: "No, my one true love! NO!!!"

Liz: "I thought Tonks had to force you into the marriage in the first place."

Lupin: "Kind of, sort of, OK, yeah, but then I realized that I was in love with Tonks after we spent time with each other and I started getting over my passivity and self-doubt while I was with her! Tonks changed my life!"

Me!: "I'm still open, Lupin, and I can change your life. In fact, I already _have _changed your life, Moony."

Lupin: "Um . . . no thanks and you changed my life in a _bad _way, Sirius. You made me passive and self-doubting. You created a monster in me, Padfoot."

Me!: "What, I have never been more insulted in my life! I thought that I was your best friend and your lover, but now I see that I am mistaken!"

Lupin: "Basically."

Me!: *wails and runs out*

Liz: "NO!"

Me!: "You mean, you actually missed me?"

Liz: "No. . . ."

Me!: *wails*

Liz: "I mean, yes, but I don't want to continue being 'Liz.' I want to be 'Me' again, as it is _I _who runs _Random Conversations _and who came up with the idea for it."

Me!: "You mean 'Me!'?"

Liz: "Whatever! I _must _run _Random Conversations_! I must!!!"

Hermione: "I think that the stress of this is really getting to you, Liz."

Liz: "Who made you a psychologist?"

Hermione: "No one, but it's kind of obvious. I mean, you've been writing a bunch of other fanfics and you have all that on your plate."

Liz: "Is it my fault that all this inspiration is coming at once and my mind has to soak it all in?"

Hermione: *sigh* "No, but you've written all these fics and, at the same time, maintaining _Random Conversations _and _Distorted Reflections_. Plus, when you _did _upload some fics, reviewers were asking you for sequels. It must be pretty hard for you, I expect. I'd help if I could, but. . . ."

Brother: "But she can't, so she won't."

Hermione: "Stop being so insensitive, Brother. Liz needs our help and I _really _would help."

Brother: *drools* "Yeah." *drools again*

Liz: "That's just sad."

Hermione: "Well, the man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants."

Liz: "Well said!"

Victoria: "Indeed!"

Harry: "What? That's not true! I am the _man _of the house and the stereotypes on television say that the men are the head of the house and the women are supposed to be subservient to them and make them dinner! Now, make me dinner!"

Victoria: "Shut up, and make yourself dinner. I'm trying to have a random conversation."

Ginny: "Hence the name, _Random Conversations_, Harry, so go and make yourself some dinner. Now!"

Harry: "What? Even _you_, Ginny? I thought that you liked me!"

Ginny: "Well, I don't anymore, since I know that I'm too young and spunky for you and will never get a chance with you, so now Colin and I have gotten married."

Liz: "There's some new information."

Colin: "Hey, Liz! Do you mind if I take some pictures of the inside of your brain? Do you? Do you? Do you?"

Liz: "And his voice is just as squeaky as usual."

Ginny: "Yeah, he hasn't really hit puberty yet."

Liz: "Poor guy, so like Sirius."

Me!: "Hey!"

Lupin: "You're wrong, Liz. Sirius has gone well beyond puberty."

Me!: "Thank you, Moony!"

Lupin: "And he's gone past it, so now he's in the declining years of old age."

Brother: "Ha, ha!"

Me!: "Brother, I thought you were my friend, we even formed the Annoy Liz club together! I am having a huge emotional upheaval!"

Brother: "Oh, I thought you were Liz, but you just put a little exclamation point thingy at the end of 'Me.'"

Liz: "No, that's Sirius, Brother, and _I'm _Liz. But if it confuses you, Sirius and I can easily change back."

Me!: "What, no we can't."

Liz: "Yes, we can."

Me!: "No, we can't."

Liz: "Yes, we can!"

Me!: "No, we can't!"

Liz: "OK, let's handle this like the mature people that we are."

Lupin: "Liz, the word to describe you isn't exactly mature."

Liz: "Well, let's just say that I had some strange trigger today that changed my life forever and I have decided to be more mature."

Lupin: "I wonder how long that's going to last."

Liz: "Stop with the sarcastic remarks, please."

Me!: "Moony, I knew you cared!"

Lupin: "I don't, I'm being neutral right now."

Me!: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and makes to run out*

Liz: "Sirius, stop! I care!" _Or let's just say that. _ "Now, _why _do you think you should have the right to run _Random Conversations_?" See, Lupin, I'm being mature! Blah!

Lupin: "OK, that right there just ruined it."

Liz: *mumbles* "Insensitive jerk."

Me!: "Because you've run it for eleven _long _chapters and the twelfth chapter in the Harry Potter books is always supposed to be a highly significant one."

Liz: "So, you running it and confusing the readers between who I am and you are and making them get mad and confused in their reviews makes this chapter significant?"

Me!: "I'm glad to see you understood, Liz!"

Liz: *rolls eyes* "Oh, honestly. Sirius, this is your _last warning_. I mean it. Now, change back and be a good boy."

Padfoot: *barks*

Liz: "Ha, now I have control of the Animagus you! Mwahaha! Now, I will make it do my every command and make you turn back! Mwahaha!" *laughs evilly then starts coughing* "Water, water. . . ."

Padfoot: *barks again*

Harry: "Here you go, Liz."  
Liz: "Thank you, Harry. Wait, how am I drinking this if this is just a dream or a pretend conversation in my head?"

Oldman: "Make up a new law for it, Liz."

Me!: "Yeah, you can be the law-maker of _Random Conversations_, now!"

Dad: "And I can be the minute-taker! Yay!"

Liz: "How about no? And how about I run _Random Conversations _now as it is _me _who came up with it in the first place?"

Me!: "No, so blah!"

Padfoot: *barks _yet again_*

Liz: "Shut up, Padfoot!"

Padfoot: *barks _still more_*

Me!: "Hey, you can't talk to one of my selves like that!" *changes into a dog and barks*

Liz: "Ahhhhhhhhh! This doesn't make any sense!"

Hermione: "Who said that this fic made sense?"

Victoria: "True."

Lupin: "Enough of this foolishness! Let's just get back to the point!"

Me!: "What's the point of this chapter, again?"

Liz: *sigh* "Read the summary. It says that you're doing the debut of that show, _Totally Magorian _or whatever it's called."

Me!: "Oh, cool! Come on, Oldman, let's start!"

Oldman: "Alright!"

Lupin: "But, Sirius, you can't do the show if what you say shows 'Me!' behind it, then the readers will be confused and will think that Liz is running it!" *dramatic scream*

Brother: "They will?"

Lupin: *murmurs* "Yes, they _will_."

Brother: "_They will?!_"

Lupin: *sigh* "Here, have a donut."

Brother: "DONUT!"

Liz: *sigh of relief*

Lupin: "Now, will you let Liz run _Random Conversations_?"

Me!: "No, because I heard the conversation that Liz added on her computer that I wasn't supposed to hear. So, blah, I won't switch!"

Brother: "Ha, ha! PUDDING!"

Lupin: *raises eyebrow* "Pudding?"

Me!: *laughs hysterically*

Brother: "Pudding, pudding, pudding. . . ."

Me!: "Ah, make it stop, make it stop!"

Harry: "I don't know how!"

Liz: "What are you talking about, Harry?"

Harry: "Didn't Sirius mean my cooking skills?"

Liz: "Er . . . no."

Victoria: *sigh* "What did you do, Harry?"

Harry: "Nothing, it's just that I think that this microwave is going to blow up and cover us all in, er . . . stuff."

Ginny: "_Stuff?_"

Harry: "Well, um . . . yeah, mixed-up stuff, yeah. . . ."

Hermione: "Like what?"

Harry: "Um . . . almonds, eggshells, a bunch of different cake mixes, a bunch of different sodas, doughnuts. . . ."

Brother: "DOUGHNUTS!"

Harry: ". . .and almonds."

Guy and Muggle Girl: "ALMONDS, YAY!"

Ron: "It's going to blow up! Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Colin: "Let's sing the Doom Song!" *starts singing in a high-pitched voice* "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Dennis: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Mr. Creevey: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Mrs. Creevey: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Gir: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Hermione: "Who's Gir? You've come up with some pretty weird characters before, Liz, but this. . . ."

Liz: "He isn't mine. He's from this cartoon that my friend told me about."

Ginny: "Well, how did he get in here?"

Lupin: "How did anyone besides Harry Potter characters get in here?"

Victoria: "Because of Liz's obsessive need to have more characters and perhaps make a plot point in this mess of randomness."

Liz: "Exactly!"

Gir: "Had to make room for the cupcake!"

Colin: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me!: "What?"

Brother: "PUDDING!"

Me!: *laughs hysterically*

Gir: "It was me! I was the turkey all along! Me. The turkey."

Dennis: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me!: "Make it stop, make it stop!"

Ron: "Ah, we're all going to die!"

Liz: "And I'm going to have a massive headache!"

There is a very uncomfortable pause.

Liz: "Well, I'd better take some Tylenol." *takes some Tylenol*

Me!: "You care more about your headache than the future of this fic, Liz?"

Keenan: "PUDDING!"

Me!: "Be silent, Keenan! I have the power to protect myself against pudding!"

Keenan: *gazes in awe at Sirius* "What?"

Me!: "Vanilla yogurt!" *heavenly music plays*

Ron: "I LOVE VANILLA YOGURT!" *tries to eat the vanilla yogurt*

Keenan: "Here, have a donut."

Ron: "Yay, a donut!"

Charizard: *blows fire at Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh, a Hungarian Horntail!"

Liz: _I'll just pretend that that didn't happen._ "I can write other stories."

Me!: "But what about all the complimentary reviews?"

Liz: "I get complimentary reviews from other stories."

Me!: "But . . . but what about all those memories that you can never replace once I'm gone? This was the first fan fic you ever wrote, Liz, and you can't replace things like that!"

Right now, allow that really mushy, flashback-ish type of music to play in your head as I have all these reminiscent, happy memories play (in slow-motion), which I'm too lazy to put in right now.

Liz: *wipes tear from eye* "You're right, Sirius, but I can't think of any other way that I can get rid of this microwave unless I run _Random Conversations_."

Me!: "Why?"

Lupin: "Because of some insane new law that Liz just made up."

Liz: "NO!" _Damn, I hate it when they can read my mind._ "Because otherwise I can just make you die an extremely painful death, such as by this blowing-up microwave."

Hermione: "But how will you get rid of it when you run _Random Conversations_?"

Lupin: "Ah, and here's the insane new law."

Liz: "Exactly, Remus. I'm so glad you understand."

Lupin: "Er . . . why did you just call me Remus?"

Me!: *seductively* "I call you Moony, Remus."

Lupin: "Ew, shut up, Sirius! I have never, nor will I ever think of you that way!"

James: "And why do you like all the girls if you're gay, Sirius?"

Me!: "Because Moony was the first one I ever felt comfortable around. I didn't need to mask my insecurity of being gay in front of him! _Right?!_"

Liz: "OK, this is just stupid."

Lily: "Yeah, since when has Sirius been gay?"

Liz: "Since a ton of people wrote fanfics about his being gay and Remus being his lover."

Lupin: "Um. . . ."

Tonks: "Did Jo forget to mention that?"

Liz: "No, that's fan fiction writers making up their own strange ideas."

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "How can Sirius be gay? He is my one true love!"

Me!: "Who are you?"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "I'm a random Muggle girl who loves you, Sirius, who else? Plus, I'll join your fan club!"

Me!: "Awesome!"

Ron: "Ah, it's going to blow!"

Creevey Family: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Victoria: "Shouldn't it have blown up already?"

Liz: "No, for the sake of this plot point, I'm allowing it to take a long time to blow up, because Harry put it in for a long time."

Harry: "I did?"

Liz: "Yes."

Harry: "Oh, yeah, I _did_!"

Me!: "Alright!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "Yay, now we're all going to _live _and I will be with Sirius forevermore!"

Me!: *sigh* "Fine."

Sirius and I switch back so now I, will be referred to as 'Me,' and Sirius will be referred to as, er . . . well . . . Sirius.

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "Oh, my dear Siri!"

Me: *gags* "Siri?"

Sirius: "Wow, Siri? That's the best name I've ever been called! Even Moony hasn't called me _that_!"

Lupin: "How am I supposed to drill this through your thick skull, Siri . . . er, _Sirius_, we never _had _a relationship besides that of being friends."

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Say anything you want if it makes you feel better, Moony."

Lupin: "Argh. . . ."

Me: Wait a sec, if Remus is single now. . . . If I can't get Harry, I might as well get my dear Remmy! "Oh, Remus. . . ."

Lupin: "And now I have no one! My darling Tonks has deserted me!" *sobs*

Me: "Yes, it works exactly into my plan! Mwahaha!"

Tonks: "Wait a sec, why are you still here, Remus? I thought that you'd be in bed with Sirius."

Sirius: "No, I'm actually _not _gay! I have found a soul-mate in this random Muggle girl who _loves _me! Plus, she'll be in my fan club! Yay!"

Tonks: "You mean. . . .?"

Lupin: "Yup. I'm still single."

Tonks: "Yay! I love you again, now!" *gives Lupin a passionate kiss*

Me: "NO! Even my hopes for a guy older than me are shattered!"

Ron: "You do realize that he's way to old for you, don't you? And that he'd use you?"

Me: *pouts* "No."

Hermione: "And how could you really _have _a relationship if you just hear us in your head."

Me: "I don't know but I'll think of something! Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "OK, that's a bit scary."

Me: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails*

Sirius: "Why don't you just tell your sad life story on _Totally Magorian_, Liz? We'd all _love _to hear it."

Me: "Sure!"

Oldman: *face-palm*

Me: "Exams are coming up, you know."

Lupin: "Yeah, but you're exempt from most of them, aren't you?"

James: "So you can't really be stressed and have your brain melting."

Me: "Well, I'm stressed, anyway! _And _my brain is melting! Now leave me alone and let me wallow in peace: wallow, wallow, wallow. . . ."

Snape: *sigh* "Stop with the wallowing, Liz, or you'll have to call this chapter _Wallowing II_."

Me: "Actually I probably would, just to throw the readers off course."

Hermione: "But then they might not read it, because they didn't want to hear your pitiful wallowing."

Me: "Hey, it isn't pitiful! I got some really sympathetic reviews last time!"

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, because they felt sorry for you."

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: *screams* "Yay, another Sirius!"

Snape: "OK, that was just plain insensitive, Black."

Harry: "As if you aren't."

Lupin: "We've had this conversation before, I think."

Harry: "But, still. . . ."

Reginald: "Stop it, Harry! You're unloved!"

Harry: "What? I've never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Snape: *rolls eyes* "How many times are you going to use that line, Liz?"

Me: "I don't know, whenever I feel like it."

Guy: "But that line is getting as bad as the heavenly music in Chapter 10." *heavenly music plays*

Me: "Hey, what was the reason for the heavenly music that time?"

Guy: "What was the reason for Harry repeating that line for the billionth time?"

Me: "Because he was _insulted_!"

Snape: "But other times there has been no reason for it, like when my teenage self says that line."

Me: "Do _not _remind me of him ever again! I couldn't sleep for weeks because of that guy!"

Teenage Snape: "Hey, Liz! Guess what?"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhh, it burns!!!"

Me: "Speak of the devil."

Teenage Snape: "I'm _so _misunderstood!"

Harry: "So am I! No one loves me!"

Teenage Snape: "I feel for you, man!"

Harry and Teenage Snape walk off, arm-in-arm, sobbing.

Snape: "Well. . . ."

James: "Um. . . ."

Reginald: "Yay, I'm loved!"

Sirius: "Well, er . . . let's just start _Totally Magorian_!"

All: "That works."

I imagine this TV set place in my mind's eye and Sirius and Oldman are on the stage there, along with Padfoot (_how _does that make sense? I am _so _crazy!).

Sirius: "Hello, and welcome to the new show, _Totally Magorian_, with your hosts - Sirius Black. . . ."

Oldman: "And Gary Oldman!"

Padfoot: *barks*

Sirius: "And Padfoot, of course." *fake laugh*

Audience: *fake laugh*

Me: *rolls eyes* "This _still_ doesn't make sense; I mean, Sirius _is _Padfoot, that's his Animagus form."

Hermione: "Exactly."

Keenan and Ron: "Huh?"

Hermione: *sigh* "Here, have some donuts."

Keenan: "DONUTS!"

Charizard: "Mmm, I _love _donuts."

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh, a Chinese Fireball!"

Me: "Well, at least he was closer that time."

Charizard: "Not you _again_!" *blows fire at Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Sirius: "Ahem. . . ."

Harry: "What?"

Oldman: "We are _trying _to do a show here, so maybe you guys shouldn't interrupt with all of your pointless conversations."

Me: "As if you don't."

Sirius: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails*

Sammy: "Stop with that line, Sirius."

Chuck: "We've heard it a million times."

Sammy: "And this show is pointless, anyway."

Chuck: "Because it debases the audience's tastes with crude and stupid humor."

Guy: "Yes, that is one of the major criticisms of television!"

Sammy: "Exactly. So basically you're dumbing down the US and the UK."

Chuck: "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

Sirius: "I'm not. What about you, Oldman?"

Oldman: "Nope."

Both: *roll eyes and walk out*

Sirius: "Well, now that that pointless argument is over with, we are pleased to welcome the star of the show – Magorian the centaur!"

Magorian: "Totally!" *plays the guitar*

Umbridge: "Half-breed!"

Bane: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!"

Random Murderous Centaur: "Kill her!"

Umbridge: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away, followed closely by a band of murderous centaurs*

Me: "Will she _ever _learn?"

Lupin: "Not with you writing it."

Me: "What? I have. . . ."

Lupin: "Never been more insulted in your life? And then you'll wail and _try _to run out, because you can't run away from us."

Me: "Damn, I hate when you can read my mind."

Lupin: "I'm _not _reading your mind, but it's kind of obvious."

Me: "Why, you insolent, little. . . ."

Thewlis: "_Professor._"

Me: "Well, well, _Thewlis_. Out for a little walk in the _moonlight_, hmm?"

Oldman: "_What _are you doing? You guys you can do your little imitation of a scene in the _Prisoner of Azkaban _movie another time, but now, we have to do our show."

Me: *sigh* "Fine." _ Insensitive jerk._

Oldman: "_Finally._ So, Magorian, why don't you tell us a story about yourself.? We'd all _love _to hear it."

Magorian: "Alright, dude. OK, one time I was, like, walking through the forest and it was like, dark out. . . ."

Dudley: "Ooh, that means it was night, right?"

Harry: "Great job, Big D."

Dudley: "_Don't_ call me that, Potter."

James: "Aren't _I _Potter?"

Dudley: "Wait, aren't you Harry's dead father?"

James: "I'm a ghost, now. Boo!"

Dudley: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *has a heart-attack and faints*

Petunia: "DUDLEY, NO!"

Vernon: "You have killed my son, you freaks! Now I'm going to kill _you _with my drills! Mwahaha!" *drill grinding (is that the sound a drill makes?), ah, well, a drill er . . . _drilling _in the background*

Voldemort: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Vernon dies.

Petunia: "NO!"

Voldemort: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Petunia dies.

Lupin: "That was a really bad plot-point you know, Liz."

Me: "Hey, I wanted to get back to the point."

Sirius: "Wow, thanks, Liz!"

Me: "Don't get used to it."

Oldman: "Alright, so why don't you finish telling us your story, Magorian?"

Magorian: "Alright, thanks, dude. I remember seeing a yun-ee-corn."

Sirius: *fake confused look* "You mean . . . a unicorn?"

Magorian: "Yeah, that, a yun-ee-corn, and it was lying down. So I said, "Mr. Yun-ee-corn, dude, you should get up. It's not safe to, like, be here alone, you should, like, be with your herd or whatever."

Oldman: "Then, what?"

Magorian: *shudders* "This is the freaky part, dude, because there was somethin' sucking the yun-ee-corn's blood and I looked and saw that it was a snake. . . ."

Harry: "Wait a minute. . . ."

Me: "Why does this remind me of something from _Sorcerer's Stone_?"

Lupin: "Because you're so obsessed that you relate _everything _to Harry Potter."

Me: "Well said!"

Lupin: *sigh*

Sirius: "What about the snake?" *suspenseful music plays*

Magorian: "The snake was wearing . . . _pink bunny slippers_!"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: *raises eyebrow* "Pink bunny slippers?"

Brother: "It burns, it burns!"

Lupin: "But people, they're _pink bunny slippers_!"

Me: "Thank you, Remus!"

Tonks: "_Remus? _Since when have you called Lupin, Remus, Liz?"

Me: "Er . . . well. . . ."

Harry: "What about Professor Lupin?"

Lupin: "Harry, I haven't been your teacher for three years, now. Please call me Remus."

Me: *sigh* "Not the Professor Lupin/Remus discussion _again_! That's happened in nearly every fanfic I've read with Harry and Remus in it."

Hermione: "Then why did you write this conversation in?"

Me: "Some things are out of my control."

Parvati: "_Some?_ You made the tough and . . . _beautiful _Magorian be afraid of a snake with pink bunny slippers."

Hermione: "He's a horse."

Lavender: "No, he isn't! He's a beautiful centaur!"

Parvati: "A _gorgeous _centaur."

Lavender: "Dazzling."

Parvati: "Magnificent."

Hermione: "Horse."

Sirius: "Stop it and let us get back to the show! Magorian, do you have any more stories you wish to tell the eager audience?"

Magorian: *sobs*

Sirius: "Magorian, are you alright?"

Magorian: *sobs again*

Sirius: "_Magorian!_"

Firenze: "Magorian, what's wrong?"

Parvati and Lavender: *romantic sigh*

Hermione: *murmurs* "He's a _horse_."

Magorian: "I'm sorry, it just hurts to think of that, dude! It hurts so much!"

Firenze: "I can understand why. Jupiter is bright tonight."

Oldman: "And?"

Firenze: *sigh* "Do you know _nothing_, human? When Jupiter is bright, it means that centaurs called Magorian will be upset by random, coincidental memories in a fic called _Random Conversations_."

Trelawney: "For once, the nag makes sense."

Firenze: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!" *chases Trelawney*

Trelawney: "I'll just be going now, my dears." *runs off with Firenze close behind*

Magorian: "I'm _so _alone!"

Dad: "Don't worry, man. Here, have a pet moth. They always make you feel better!"

Magorian: "Really?"

Dad: "Yup."

Magorian: "Wow, thanks." *gets a pet moth* "I think I'll call him . . . Pluto."

Ginny: "Aw, he's so cute!"

Guy: "A new member of SPUM, yay!"

Me: *rolls eyes*

Magorian: "Wow, I feel so much better now. Let's do a line-dance about moths!"

Members of SPUM: "OK!" *start doing a line-dance* "We love moths, we love moths!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Why me?"

Sirius: "Because without us there wouldn't be any story; I thought that we explained that to you before, Liz."

Oldman: "So, so we don't need to have _yet another _pointless discussion about the pointlessness of this fic, let's invite the next guest to the stage. Let's see if you can guess who he is. Ready, Sirius?" *fake grin showing bright fake teeth*

Lockhart: "Hey, those are _mine_!" *swipes fake teeth*

Oldman: *sigh*

Sirius: "Ready, Gary. This person enjoys chamber music and ten-pin bowling. . . ."

Oldman: "He has discovered the twelve uses of dragon's blood. . . ."

Sirius: "And defeated the Dark wizard, Grindelwald in 1945!"

Oldman: "Please welcome Albus Dumbledore!"

Gambon: "Hello, Liz's brain!"

Audience: *claps and goes wild like you do at a concert (or the release of a new HP book, but that might just be me)*

Sirius: *sigh* "Liz, can we just get on with this, instead of about your comments about how obsessed you are with books about my godson?"

Me: "Hey, it's _me _who came up with this in the first place."

Sirius: "Yeah, and it was _you_ who allowed Oldman and I to do this show, so let us do it!"

Gambon: "He has a point you know."

Oldman: "Hey, Michael, where's Dumbledore?"

Gambon: "Oh, he found a job as a Physics teacher at a high-school, and was busy, so I came instead."

Columbus: "PHYSICS!"

Cuaron: "PHYSICS!"

Newell: "PHYSICS!"

Yates: "PHYSICS!"

Dad: "I _hate _Physics and werewolves!"

Harry: "I am _not _overdramatic!" *runs after Dad*

Dad: "Ah, I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Sirius: "_Anyway_ . . . since we don't have Dumbledore here, what's it like working in the Harry Potter movies, Mike?"

Dad: "What?"

Sirius: *sigh* "Not _you_, this one, Gambon's first name is Michael or Mike."

Dad: "_Oh._"

Gambon: "Well, it's pretty good."

Oldman: "Wasn't there someone who played Dumbledore before you: Rupert, Ronan, um . . . Ron?"

Gambon: "Oh, yeah, _Richard _Harris."

Oldman: "Oh, yeah, _him_."

Ghost of Harris: "_Him? _Just _him_? I was a very good actor in the movies, to let you know, Gambon, much better than you are with your braided beard. What type of Dumbledore would have a _braided _beard?"

James: "A hippie Dumbledore might."

Ghost of Harris: "But Dumbledore _isn't_ a hippie!"

Gir: "Crows . . . foxes . . . hippies."

Ghost of Harris: "_What?_"

Me: "Er . . . ignore the strange robot named Gir."

Ghost of Harris: "Oh, OK. What were you saying, Gambon?"

Gambon: "Well, now he is! Can't someone be different for once? Why do we all have to conform, man?"

Me: *rolls eyes* "Not when Jo set out a specific description of what Dumbledore looked like and it does not say that he has a braided beard."

Dad: "Nor does it say that he changes the 'do of his beard every few camera angles."

Gambon: "I care about my hair! Is there something wrong with _that _now, too?"

Ghost of Harris: "Yes, there is!"

Gambon: "Then why don't you come and face me like a man, dude?"

Ghost of Harris: "Because I'm a _ghost_, you idiot! If you had been reading what Liz was writing, you would know that!"

Gambon: "Why didn't Voldemort use the 'Fake Latin – Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell,' on you, then?"

Ghost of Harris: "Because of an insane new law that she just made up and which I respect. We must respect the Creator."

Me: _Me, the creator? OK, I'll take it._

Sirius: "Um . . . it was Jo that made up the Harry Potter series in the first place, Richard."

Me: "Damn, you Sirius!"

Sirius: "I'm just here to make your life better one step at a time, Liz."

Me: *rolls eyes*

Ghost of Harris: "Oh, OK. Mrs. Diggory, could you get Voldemort for me?"

Mrs. Diggory: "Sure, Mr. Harris. _Voldemort!_"

Voldemort: *sigh* "I was just enjoying a veggie burger, what do you want?"

Mrs. Diggory: "Do the 'Fake Latin – Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell,' on Harris."

Voldemort: "OK. _Deadus Peopleus Bringus Backus tous Lifeus!_"

Harris is brought back to life.

Harris's Granddaugter: "Grandpa, you're back! Now will you take that role as Dumbledore again?"

Harris: "Of course, right after I beat Gambon up."

Harris's Granddaughter: "Good, otherwise I wouldn't speak to you_ever again_."

Harris: *beats Gambon up*

Sirius: "Eat walnuts, fool and then go off to play with your chemistry set!"

Lupin: *rolls eyes* "That line from the _Prisoner of Azkaban _movie is _so _bad, Pads. Why do you insist on saying it?"

Sirius: "It's a _great _line, Moony. Cuaron is a genius, I tell you. Plus, he gave me enough screen time to satisfy my pathological need for attention, yay!"

Newell: "PHYSICS!"

Sirius: "You!" *runs after Newell*

Newell: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Regulus: "Eat walnuts, foolish hippie Dumbledore!" *stuffs walnuts up Gambon's nostrils*

Gambon: "Ahhhhhhhh, no!"

Harris: "Hey, don't those cause unbearable suffering when stuffed up a person's nostrils?"

Snape: "Yup, I remember well."

Lupin: "Wow, it's amazing that we remembered all these chapters. Liz must be quizzing all of her faithful reviewers for the last chapter."

Sirius: "Wait? This is the _last chapter_?"

Me: "_Lupin!_"

Lupin: "You mean it isn't and the 'smart and humble Remus Lupin' was incorrect when he read your mind?"

Me: *sigh* "You took that from _The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape_, didn't you?"

Lupin: "And if I did?"

Harry: "This is the last chapter, _no_!"

Creevey Family: "Doom, doom, doom. . . ."

Me: "Then, I might do a sequel called _The Many Gruesome Deaths of Remus Lupin_."

Lupin: "Not when you're in love with me."

Me: *blushes* "What? How did you. . . .?"

Lupin: "I heard that conversation that I guess I wasn't supposed to hear."

Me: "Yes, you _definitely_ weren't supposed to hear it!"

Guy: "Why don't you let your dreams be realized, Liz?"

Me: "My dream to be married to a fictional character?"

Guy: "Yes! Even if it can never be possible, in this fic it can be, but you don't let it out in the open, but dreams are only dreams if you don't act on them!" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "Not the heavenly music _again_! We've had this conversation before."

Hermione: "Well, he's just trying to delay the end, Liz, when you so harshly end this fic for all of your faithful reviewers."

Me: "I need to move on."

Sirius: "NO!" *sobs*

Me: "Um . . . _yes_, Sirius."

Sirius: "NO! I don't want this fic to end! I want to continue to be this strangely annoying yet main character guy!"

Guy: "You mean, me?"

Sirius: "No, I mean a guy, as in a male, manly, masculine person."

Lupin: "Well, you weren't really _manly_ when you were pretending I was your lover."

Sirius: "Stop it, Moony! You're sparking more reminiscent memories! Don't end it, Liz! What did I ever do to you?" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Me: "Well, first chapter, refused to leave me alone when I was _trying _to write the introduction, second chapter. . . ."

Sirius: "You know what I mean! Wasn't I a good friend?"

Me: "_Friend?_"

Sirius: "You know what I mean, a thorn in your side, yet one that you wanted to keep there?"

Me: "Okay, one, that's a really bad analogy to describe you, and two, let me explain _why _I'm ending it."

Lupin: "An insane new law of _Fan Fic Writing in General_, since you're ending _Random Conversations_?"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "Well, if you don't want me to tell you, I'll just end it right here and readers can type their tearful reviews and that would make all of you feel bad."

Snape: "Ahem."

Me: "Well, except for Snape and the Teenage James and Sirius, because they're _really _insensitive.

Teenage James: "Yay, I was more insensitive than you, Padfoot!"

Teenage Sirius: "Nuh-uh!"

Teenage James: "Uh-huh!"

Teenage Sirius: "Nuh-uh!"

Teenage James: "Uh-huh!"

Me: *sigh* "I'm ending it because Chapter Twelves are always significant in the Harry Potter series and this is significant because it's the _last chapter_."

Hermione: "There's more than that, Liz. Chapter Thirteens are significant too, you know, and, with this randomness, you could make any chapter number significant in your own demented way."

Me: "Well, all of this criticism would do it, too."

Victoria: "_Constructive _criticism."

Me: "Whatever. Fine, I want to start writing more serious and well-written fics to practice my writing skills for my senior year. Does that make you happy?"

Sirius: "But _this _shows writing skill."

Me: "I'm sure it does, with me using the line: 'What? I've never been more insulted in my life!' a million times."

Ginny: "Don't end it, Liz, _please_. We still have so much stuff to cover."

Me: "Listen, I'll write other humor fics, they might even be set up like this, like _The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape_."

Sirius: *stomps foot* "But I want _this _one!"

Me: "Stop acting like Peter, Sirius."

Peter: "Hey!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Stop, I already have a massive headache and a sore throat _and _I nearly fainted yesterday, so give me a break, people."

Sirius: "But I want more chapters!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "But you have me, now Sirius and you don't need this fic to feel wanted."

Me: "_Thank you_, Random Girl. See, all of you are in some sort of relationship now."

Ron: "What about me?"

Me: "Er . . . doesn't he have Rosmerta or Gabrielle? I lost track."

Hermione: "Er . . . I'm not sure."

Me: "Ah, well, he's just Ron."

Ron: "But what about when you wrote about me in _See You There_? I wasn't 'just Ron,'_ then_, was I? I was the heroic, smart Ron!"

Me: "That's because you were Harry's best friend."

Ron: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life! I'm nothing but Harry's useless sidekick, aren't I?"

Harry: "Yeah, basically."

Ron: *wails*

Sirius: "OK, this is just _stupid_."

Me: "See, Sirius, there's another reason why I should end it, you hate the pointlessness of this fic!"

Sirius: *sigh* "I know I do, but my pathological need for attention makes me want to be one of the main characters at all times, with _all people_. . . ."

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "But. . . ."

Sirius: "Not just people who are part of my fan club."

Me: "But I'm writing other fics with you in them, Sirius, in fact, you are portrayed in an even better light, you're a responsible and fatherly. . . ."

Sirius: "_What?_ I don't want to be responsible _or _fatherly! I want to be _crazy_!"

Me: "You've been being crazy for twelve chapters, so now it's time to tone it down a bit."

Hermione: "And you also want to perfect your writing skills with something more mature than this fic, right?"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "Hey, it isn't _my _fault that I'm taking an Honors-level Composition course that freshmen in _college _take."

Harry: "For what?"

Me: "To become a writer, of course."

Ron: "But you _are _a writer."

Me: *sigh* "An _official _writer, one with works on bookshelves."

Sirius: "Oh, _that _type of writer."

Me: "_That _type of writer? What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius: "You sold us out so that you could be an 'official writer.'"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: "I am _not _a traitor for wanting to become an official writer. Writing is one of the best professions in the world and it's _so _rewarding to see your works on the shelves." *sigh* "Look at Jo."

Jo: "Thank you, Liz."

Dumbledore: "The creator!" *bows to Jo*

Jo: "OK, that's a bit scary."

Me: "But didn't you create Dumbledore in your likeness somewhat?"

Jo: "In my _official_ books, yes, but now this crazy, random Dumbledore who is _so _out of canon."

Hermione: "Why are you here, Jo?"

Dumbledore: "_The creator_, Miss Granger, not 'Jo'!"

Hermione: *rolls eyes* "Whatever."

Jo: "I heard that Liz is ending _Random Conversations_, and I think I have an idea since Sirius doesn't want it to end."

Sirius: "Randomness will continue! Yay!"

Jo: *murmurs* "Is he always like this?"

Me: "Yes, in fact, sometimes, he's even worse."

Oldman: "BECAUSE OF COFFEE!"

Sirius: "I LOVE COFFEE!"

Oldman: "AND LATTES!"

Sirius: "YEAH, AND LATTES!"

Me: *moans*

Jo: "Wow."

Ginny: "So . . . what's your idea, Jo?"

Jo: "How about Liz allows her reviewers and readers to continue the legacy of _Random Conversations_ if they wish to?"

Brother: "Huh?"

Jo: "Who's Brother? I don't remember writing about _him_."

Me: "You didn't. He's, er . . . an original character."

Jo: "_Oh._"

Me: "Oh, I've seen fics like that before, like it says, 'the continuation of 'So and So's,' 'Fill in the Blank Title.' And my reviewers and readers could do that, except maybe they could call me 'Lizzy Lovegood,' instead of 'Me,' or if they were _really _angry, 'Traitor.'"

Harry: "You traitor."

Me: *rolls eyes*

Ron: "There's an author called 'So and So?'"

Victoria: *sigh* "_No_, Ron, Liz is using that as an example."

Ron: "_Oh._"

Harry: "You should change your penname to 'So and So,' Liz."

Me: "How about . . . no? I like the name Lizzy Lovegood."

Lupin: "But you haven't even written any fics about Luna!"

Luna: "What? I am unloved? I should have my Crumple-Horned Snorcack, named Prescott, attack you now."

Me: "But there's a chapter in _An Ironic Title _about you, Luna. _Plus_, you're one of my favorite characters because of your eccentricity."

Luna: "Oh. OK, then."

Me: "Phew."

Hermione: "Forget the fact that Crumple-Horned Snorcacks aren't even real, Liz."

Prescott: "Yes, they are. _See?_"

Hermione: *faints*

Jo: "I knew that, but _Prescott_?"

Me: "My sentiments, exactly."

Luna: "Oh, I see that Jo forgot to mention that I had a pet Snorcack named Prescott."

Jo: "What? I didn't forget to mention _anything_!"

Mrs. Weasley: "Yeah, right." *changes into a tiger*

Jo: "Since when has Mrs. Weasley been able to turn into a tiger?"

Mr. Weasley: "Exactly."

Mrs. Weasley: *growls* "You're mine!"

Mr. Weasley: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away*

Jo: "But that isn't _me_ that left that out, that's Liz using writer's license and putting in these things to _try _and make plot-points in this randomness."

All: "WHAT?!"

Me: "Which is _yet another _reason why I should end this fic."

All: *roll eyes* "Whatever."

Me: "Phew."

Jo: "Now that we have everything worked out, why don't you guys say goodbye to your adoring reviewers and readers?"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: "Like me, Siri!"

Sirius: "OK, Random Girl! Bye people out there, including Random Girl, reading this pointless fic!"

Teenage Sirius: "Bye!"

Random Girl Who Loves Sirius: *romantic sigh*

Me: "OK, this is really cheesy."

James: "It's not cheesy, it's cheddar."

Lily: "Yeah, Liz. Stop being so insensitive at the most sentimental part of this fic."

Me: "I'm only trying to improve my writing skills." *pouts*

Lupin: "You're wallowing."

Me: "Grr. . . ."

All of People from _Random Conversations_ (Even Those Who Were Never Mentioned So All of Those People From Harry Potter in General): "BYE!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "No more cheesiness, please!"


End file.
